Real Relationship Talk

Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives (All About Sex Series)

Lopsided Libido - How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
 
Do you and your spouse have different sex drives? Does one spouse want sex way more often than the other? Many married couples have different sexual desires. This episode will help you to communicate effectively about those differences and create a sex life you both enjoy. The first thing you need to know is that having different sexual desires is normal. Most married couples deal with this. There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage. The problem begins when you try to make your spouse’s sex drive match yours.
 
Last year, I taught a class called Wife Life: What Your Man Wished You Knew. One of the ladies in the class expressed that she was the one with the higher sex drive, not her husband. As a matter of fact, her husband rarely initiated sex. This left her feeling isolated and hurt. I would bet most spouses have little idea of the pain they cause their partner when they don’t properly communicate their sexual needs (or lack thereof). This is why this episode focuses heavily on how to communicate with your spouse about your sexual needs.
 
Feeling Obligated to Have Sex?
Here’s the deal. No one should feel obligated to have sex. Nope, not even married people. Sex is a privilege. It’s not a right you demand. Sheila Wray-Gregoire talked about marital consent on Episode 24: Redefining Sex, Rethinking Intimacy. You shouldn’t view sex as a “have to,” but a “get to.” When you feel obligated to have sex, you kill the mood. It’s not a beautiful exchange or an intimate connection at that point.
 
Instead of treating sex like a chore, think creatively about how to increase your desire. Some things you may want to consider are:
 
Taking a hot bath (even better if you do it together with your spouse)
Preparing the room for your experience
Lighting candles, spraying your favorite scents in the room
Tidying up your bedroom (if that’s where the action is going to go down)
Talking about sex with your spouse
Role-playing. Get creative!
 
When you decide to “just do it,” like I talked about in the Maintenance Sex episode, you’ll find the more you have sex, the more you’ll want to have sex.
 
The Downside of Sexual Rejection
When you (or your spouse) reject sex, it can cause damaging effects on your relationship. No one wants to feel rejected, especially in the vulnerable area of our sexuality. Saying no too often leads to:
 
Feelings of rejection/not being wanted
Insecurity
Depression
Loneliness
Isolation
Temptation (looking outside the marriage)
 
Although you and your spouse may have different sex drives, you need to be on the same page concerning how you’ll handle the deficit. This is where Scriptures like “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” come into play (Philippians 2:4). Love is selfless. It is always seeking the good of the other.
 
The next time you’re tempted to battle over your different sex drives, try to connect over your conflict instead.
 
Resources:
 
How to Cope with Different Libidos in Marriage by Dr. Jessica McCleese
 
Learn to Communicate Better About Sex – Marriage Coaching by Dana Che
 

Making Love...Outside the Bedroom - with Shaun Williams (All About Sex Series)

Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams (All About Sex Series)
 
What does it truly mean to make love? We’ve been told that making love is all about sex, but the truth is so much better than that. Sex is great, but making love is better. In today’s podcast episode, my husband Shaun is back to help us understand the differences between how men and women approach sexual differences and he really talks a lot about a man’s number one need: respect.
 
Create Healthy Habits in Your Marriage
The truth of the matter is your love making is dependent on the healthy habits you’ve created in your marriage. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can make love. Like, literally, how have you made love in your marriage? Some of these habits Shaun and I discuss are:
Investing in your marriage on the front end
Choosing to be consistent with spending quality time together (someone say date night!)
Resurrecting the art of kindness
Communicating about your needs (emotional, spiritual, and sexual)
 
Shaun also schooled us on his revelation on what he did to get more respect from me. Fellas, these truths right here might be a hard pill to swallow, but this is gold. I hope you can relate.
 
Communicating Your Sexual Needs
Some spouses are super talkative between the sheets, and others need more help communicating their sexual needs. At the end of the day, only you can tell your spouse what you like and what you don’t. My heart goes out to both women and men who are unfulfilled and feel taken advantage of because they are not communicating their sexual needs.
 
In episode 4, on how to have a more fulfilling sex life, my friend Jessica and I talked at length about the need to communicate your sexual needs, and she gave some good tips on learning how to speak up for yourself and enjoy your spouse more.
 
Foreplay All Day
I started to name this episode “foreplay all day.” That, in essence, is what is lacking in many marriages. Most husbands see foreplay as a necessary means to get what he really wants, while most wives’ sexual experience will be greatly hindered without it.
 
You may have heard that sex starts in the kitchen . . . this is true. In the morning while making that coffee, at your office while you’re in a meeting, on your drive home from work . . . These are all opportune times to sow seeds (no pun intended) into your spouse. Focusing on each other during the day pays huge dividends at night.
 
Be sure to listen especially to the end where Shaun talks about his take on sex toys. I really had to fight to keep a straight face!
 
Resources:
Register Today! Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom Workshop
Schedule Your Free Coaching Session: Danache.com/Coaching

Lies Women Believe About Sex – with Molly Moses (All About Sex Series)

Lies Women Believe About Sex – with Molly Moses
The thing about the lies we believe is that we don’t know they’re lies. Obviously, right? But after speaking to so many women, I am convinced that women are still being fed lies concerning sex, sexuality, and what men really want. Thanks Cosmo. To help to inform us of the truth concerning sex and our sexuality is a new friend of mine named Molly Moses. Molly and I met on Clubhouse, the new audio-based social media app, and we hit it off right away.
 
Molly is an avid fitness coach, a wife, and a mother. She incorporates her faith along with her love of family, fashion, and fitness into her blog and her social media. In today’s podcast episode, Molly and I have a fireside girlfriend chat about how to develop a healthy body image, the best times to initiate sex, and we even give you some practical steps on how to feel beautiful in under ten minutes.
 
Making Sex a Priority  
Molly admitted that having conversations about sex was uncomfortable for her in the beginning of her marriage, because of how she’d been brought up. Let the church say amen. I can relate to that, and so can many others, which is why we discussed this very issue in episode 23: What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex. If you’re uncomfortable talking about sex in your marriage, it’s okay. It can take a while to get comfortable, depending on how much unlearning of inaccurate information you have to do.
 
As married people, we have to make sex a priority, though. Women, your husband told me to tell you he wants you to initiate. Now before you break out in hives, Molly helps us understand that the best time to initiate sex might be when you’re ovulating. I love her explanation of how she arrived at this conclusion and how it’s helped her to initiate sex more often with her husband.
 
Getting Your Sexy Back
You might be wondering how you can initiate sex when you feel anything but sexy. I understand, girl! One of the points Molly and I discuss is how a little goes a long way to help you to feel sexy. Toss out those old sweats, put on some lip gloss, take a shower for the love of all things! When you look better, you feel better, and when you feel better, you do better. Molly talked about how to cultivate a healthier body image, and she talked about the negative side of a positive body image (let that sink in).
 
This is an episode you’ll want to share with your girlfriends. Ladies, sex is a powerful bonding agent that God intended for you and your husband. Use it well. There are so many women, just like you, who need encouragement in this area. That’s why I wanted to have the conversation about the lies women believe about sex. It starts with learning the truth. Embrace your sexuality in all its glory. And then chose to show up as confident as you can for your man.
 
Resources:
 
Molly’s Blog: www.shapeyourfit.com
Molly’s Instagram
Molly’s Twitter
 
Also listen to episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy, Redefining Sex – with Sheila Wray-Gregoire
Be sure to register for our upcoming marriage workshop – Making Love Outside the Bedroom!
Watch the video vodcast at realrelationshiptalk.com/videos.
 
 

Rethinking Intimacy, Redefining Sex - with Sheila Wray Gregoire (All About Sex Series)

Rethinking Intimacy & Redefining Sex- with Sheila Wray-Gregoire
 
There’s a big misconception that sex = intimacy. We even call sexy lingerie “intimates,” and refer to our action between the sheets as intimacy. But what if we actually need to redefine sex and rethink intimacy? The truth is you can have sex without being intimate (think one-night stands), and you can develop intimacy without sex (think a celibate, romantic relationship). If we have a shot at learning how to truly develop intimacy in our marriages and relationships, we have to get very clear on this point.
I wanted to have this conversation with popular blogger, author, and speaker, Sheila Wray-Gregoire, because not only is she amazing, but she has been a great teacher in helping couples to develop real intimacy in their marriages. Sheila is straight up. She holds no punches, and she will have your eyebrows raised for half this interview because what she shares is a much-needed dose of reality for those of us who are trying to build true intimacy in our marriages.
Away with the “Churchisms”
My last podcast episode focused on what the church forgot to tell us about sex. Sadly, I see and hear from many Christians who have been invariably indoctrinated to believe that virginity equals purity and consent goes out the window once you get married.
Let’s talk about it.
The Purity Culture
Sheila and I discussed how harmful the “purity culture” can be to say, a victim of sexual assault or someone who has made past mistakes concerning sex. With a generation of shame-filled saints, it’s no wonder true intimacy becomes a concept to be embraced but never enjoyed. Neither the sins you commit nor the ones committed against you make you impure. Having sex outside of marriage doesn’t make you any more impure than binge-eating (greed and gluttony), cheating on your taxes (lying) or buying that too-expensive house to impress your co-workers (covetousness).
I’m reminded of the beautiful promise of Isaiah 1:18, “Come now, and let us reason together, “says the LORD, “Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” It’s Jesus, not whether or not we wear a purity ring, who makes us pure.
Redefining Sex and What it Takes to Create Intimacy
Let’s get back to basics. How do you define sex? Sheila encourages us to think beyond vaginal intercourse when thinking about sex. Think broader. Sex is more than that. I can tell you there are many sexually frustrated married folks who are bored or unfilled with sex because they have a limited view of what sex actually is. This is dangerous because it gives room for married people to turn their eyes on another instead of each other. If only they knew to prioritize intimacy instead.
As we began to wrap up our conversation, Sheila and I talked about how porn is affected women at higher rates and we discuss the link between pornography and sex trafficking. If you are struggling with porn, please seek help. There are much better and healthier ways to spice up your sex life than porn.
I pray this episode will help you to rethink and rekindle intimacy as you learn to redefine sex in your marriage.
 
Resources:
Sheila’s blog: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum!
Sheila’s books (discussed on the podcast): The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; The Great Sex Rescue(available March 21, 2021)
Sheila’s podcast: Bare Marriage
 
Feeling stuck in your marriage or relationship, let’s work together. Schedule your discovery call today at http://danache.com/coaching.
 
 
 

What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex - with Mark & Dawn Lawrence (All About Sex Series)

What the Church Forgot to Teach Us About Sex – with Mark & Dawn Lawrence
Dear Listener, let me preface this episode by saying that as a pastor, I realize I represent the church. But I’m a member, too. And I, too, have been disappointed with what the church has (and mostly hasn’t) taught about sex. These gaping holes in our formation have stifled and shamed many believers into secrecy. And we all know, secrecy is where the enemy does his best work.
I wanted to have a conversation with a married couple who I know embodies the wonder and wisdom of the Christian faith and whose personal lifestyle echoes their commitment to each other. Meet Pastor Mark and Dr. Dawn Lawrence. I’ve known the Lawrences for over 20 years, and the genuine love and affection they have for one another is contagious. They are such a great team, and I’m delighted to have them on the podcast today.
Here’s what we’re not going to do. We aren’t here to bash the church. We aren’t here to call out any specific church leader. And we aren’t here to hide behind old traditions and man-made doctrines. We want to uncover what God says about sex and how he meant for us to enjoy it.
Take Me to Church
If you are still trying to make sense of how sex and church belong in the same sentence, you are the perfect listener for this podcast. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful gift that God gives to his married children. So, if it’s a gift, why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more churches working diligently to prepare singles for this lifetime commitment? Do we expect people to just figure marriage out on their own? The church’s job is to disciple (or train) believers in the ways of God. And sex is not an exception.
Lies We’ve Believed About Sex
If I were to ask you to write a list of all the lies you’re believing, your list would probably be pretty short. The problem is most of us don’t realize we’re believing a lie. If we knew it was a lie, we wouldn’t believe it! Now, put on your thinking cap and ask yourself if what you’ve been taught about sex is producing good fruit (or results) in your life? If not, chances are it’s a lie. And we’re here to uproot some lies on this podcast today.
Some points that stuck out to me from this episode were:
Lies and secrets are the enemies of intimacy.
When you say “I do,” that means I do you, and you do me, exclusively.
Marriage is for more than just pro-creation.
Be honest with your sexual needs. Most people don’t have what they want because they aren’t willing to be honest.
People are watching your lifestyle. What are you showing them?
Stay curious and keep discovering your spouse.
God is watching you when you have sex (LOL. I had to throw that one in there!)
After 35 years, the Lawrences are still trying new things. Now, that’s what I’m talking about. The fact that this long-married couple is still trying new things, still discovering each other is inspirational.
Take a listen to the podcast to glean from all the wisdom they shared.
 
Resources:
Raising them Special by Mark & Dr. Dawn Lawrence
Sex Begins in the Kitchen by marriage and family therapist Dr. Kevin Leman
 
Got relationship questions? Send ‘em my way: QandA@DanaChe.com
Do you feel stuck in your marriage or relationship? Schedule a free 30-minute coaching session with me today.

What Is Maintenance Sex & Should You Be Having It? (All About Sex Series)

What is Maintenance Sex and Should You Be Having It?
When I first heard the term “maintenance sex,” I was like I have got to see what this is all about! What I learned is that it’s not unlike the regular, scheduled maintenance that we do for our cars. Think about it like regular sex checkups for your marriage. Sadly, many married couples pay more attention to their cars while neglecting their sexual intimacy. This ain’t cool, my friends. Just like a car will break down without proper maintenance, so will your marriage.
“But what if I just am not in the mood for sex?” You might ask. We covered this topic at length on the last podcast episode. I mentioned it then, and I’ll mention it now . . . love seeks the betterment of the other, not yourself. A healthy marriage doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself; it means you don’t only love yourself.
Scheduling Sex
A good way to keep your sexual intimacy on track might be by scheduling sex. I just lost some of you right there, huh? Don’t knock it until you try it! There are lots of couples who have found that this works for their marriage. As a matter of fact, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo, who were guests on a previous episode: 6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage are big proponents of scheduling sex. Personally, I see both pros and cons. One thing is for certain: that level of intentionality is wise. Too many couples think having a great sex life is just something that comes naturally. But honey, you’ve got to work at this!
What Husbands Think About Maintenance Sex
They love it! Enough said! Seriously though, most men do not need a lot of emotional “warm-up” to engage sexually. Like a car, they’re ready to go as soon as they get turned on. Women, on the other hand, often don’t believe that maintenance sex is romantic, so they tend not to do it. I would encourage every wife to ask your husband what he feels about having sex to simply keep the connection going in the marriage. I can almost guarantee you he’ll be on board!
 
Resources:
Listen to Spontaneous vs Scheduled Sex: One Extraordinary Marriage
Register for the Making Love Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che
Get more info on marriage or relationship coaching with Dana Che

Mood: When You’re Not in the Mood for Sex (All About Sex Series)

Mood: When You’re Not in the Mood for Sex (All About Sex Series)
Let’s talk about sex, baby! It’s not just a song that R&B group Salt-n-Pepa sang in the 90’s. Getting in the mood for sex is a daily battle many married people face. Sex can become just one more thing on our to-do lists, and combined with illness, unforgiveness, insecurities, and the like, sex can become a daunting task in marriage. But what if it didn’t have to be this way? What if you could not only address the issues of why you’re not in the mood for sex, but overcome some of the challenges that are causing a divide between the sheets?
In today’s podcast episode, I am going to unpack several causes of us not being “in the mood,” and give you some practical tips on how to get your mind, body, heart, and environment prepared.
Reasons You May Not Feel in the Mood for Sex
Busyness – It’s time to tackle that never-ending to-do list and create some margin in your life. Your marriage deserves your time and attention. Let me say it another way . . . your sexual intimacy deserves your time and attention. Don’t foster a sexless marriage because of doing too much.
Insecurities – Whether it’s a weight issue, past hurts, or plain ol’ lies we’re believing about ourselves, insecurities can have a field day in our minds and cause disconnection between spouses. If you’re struggling with negative thoughts, it’s time you let those go. Don’t allow your insecurities to rob you of a vibrant sexual relationship with your spouse.
Unforgiveness – We talked extensively about unforgiveness in episode 13 of the podcast, so go back and listen to that if need be. If you’re carrying an offense against your spouse, you won’t likely be in the mood for sex or be able to initiate or receive intimacy from him/her.
Bad Religion – Raise your hand if your church talked openly and favorably about sex as you were growing up. Oftentimes, what we learned (or didn’t learn) as children in church or at home negatively affects our sexual intimacy as adults. It’s time to weed out those incorrect teachings.
Depression – If you are dealing with depression, it’s time to seek professional help. Emotional intimacy is nearly impossible when you’re facing the emotional trauma of depression. So, take care of your mental health.
Poor health – Obviously there are times when we get sick and are unable or uninterested in sex. If you need to see your primary care physician due to prolonged illness or symptoms that keep you from being in the mood for sex, please do so. Many health-related problems, including low libido and low testosterone can be remedied if you’re willing to address them.
Selfishness – I saved the worst for last. Some married people aren’t suffering, they’re just selfish. A Scripture to help guard against selfishness is Philippians 2:4, “Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." I’m going to let that sit right there.
Quick Tips to Get in the Mood for Sex
Now that’s we’ve discussed reasons why some married people struggle with being in the mood for sex, it’s time to talk about some quick tips for overcoming the mood issue and readying ourselves to change.
Music – music is a powerful motivator and affects our emotions. Turn on something that will have you thinking of your honey in the most delectable ways.
Focus – Some of us need to learn how to focus our attention on our spouses; not the kids, the laundry, our friends’ issues, post-election news, etc.
Environment – It’s hard to feel in the mood for sex with a dirty, cluttered environment. Clean your room! Get that clutter out of that backseat (You know car sex is still a thing, right?). Make your space inviting and intimate.
Communication – Maybe you just need to have a conversation about your sex life with your spouse and what’s keeping you from being in the mood for sex. If so, don’t put it off any longer.
 
Sex isn’t the only part of marriage, but it’s a big, important part. Employ some of the suggestions from this podcast and get yourself in the mood for sex. Your spouse is waiting!
Be sure to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss one single episode!
 
 
 

#MarriageGoals for 2021

#MarriageGoals for 2021
It’s the end of 2020, ya’ll! Aren’t we glad?! As we prepare to start a new year, we should all have some new marriage goals. Today's episode will help you to be intentional about the marriage you want and deserve. It’s been said that most people don’t plan to fail; they fail to plan. If you want a great marriage, it won’t happen by chance. Great marriages happen by choice. I am looking forward to building a great marriage. Aren’t you? This episode details five marriage goals I am focusing on for 2021 including:
Pray for my husband daily.
I pray for my husband every day, but I mean, I want to really pray for him daily. I want to become more intentional in lifting him up to the Lord and covering him more than I have before. Husbands and wives, we have the extraordinary privilege and responsibility to pray for our spouses. If we don’t, who will?
Have consistent pillow talks at night
Pillow talks are when you and your spouse lay on your pillows at night and talk about your highs and lows . . . the good things and the not so good that happened in your day. It’s an intimate time of connection that can help you sort out your feelings and nip any issues in the bud.
Start weekly meetings
I admit, weekly “meetings” sounds so formal. But in planning them, we can focus on the nitty-gritty, ordinary issues of family life like finances, groceries, children’s schedules, etc. You should strive to not talk about these topics on your weekly date nights. Save it for your weekly meetings.
Have weekly date nights
Shaun and I have always dated throughout our marriage, but I can’t say we do this every single week. In 2021, one of my marriage goals is to be more consistent with our weekly date nights. You can date just about anywhere. Check out this article for fun date night ideas.
Plan three couples’ getaways for the year
Getting away together is so important. I don’t know many couples, however, who are intentional about going away. As a matter of fact, I would say the vast majority of married people rarely vacation alone together. My final marriage goal of 2021 is to plan three getaways for Shaun and me. These don’t have to be expensive or grand, but consistent alone time is crucial for a healthy marriage.
I want to encourage you to make some marriage goals for your relationship as well. No matter what happened in the past, you can begin again today. You can choose to have the marriage you want and deserve.
Maybe one of your marriage goals is to work on your sex life. We will dive right in to this topic in season three of the podcast - Maximizing Your Sex Life. Stay tuned!
 
Resources mentioned this episode:
 Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom Workshop by Dana Che
 
Books:
31 Days of Prayer for My Husband book by Jennifer Smith
Marriage Fitness book by Mort Fertel
Conversation Starters for Couples book by Rich & Deanna Millentree
Romancing Your Husband book by Debra White Smith
Subscribe to Real Relationship Talk On Apple On Google on Spotify.
 
Like this podcast? Write a review on Apple or write a review on Android so others can grow their relationships like you!

How to be Heard in Your Marriage or Relationship

How to Be Heard in Your Marriage or Relationship
When Shaun and I first got married, we struggled so much with our communication and wondered how to be heard by the other. So, Shaun came up with the brilliant idea to begin a communication notebook to help us verbally process our feelings with one another. It was a chance to express our feelings without interruption. It also allowed us to be honest with one another without fear of being misunderstood. In this episode, we're sharing creative solutions on how to be heard in your marriage or relationship to stop back-and-forth misunderstandings and ineffective communication. 
Oftentimes we can’t move forward in our marriages or relationships because of communication barriers. Depending on your communication style, one spouse may need more time to process their emotions while the other spouse may be quick to respond. The key to being heard in your marriage or relationship is allowing grace for each person to communicate how they are wired best and truly making an effort to hear not only what’s being said, but the heart behind what’s being said.
Parenting Issues
If you are married with kids, you have surely experienced disagreements with how to be heard by your spouse when you disagree with each other’s parenting styles or decisions. This can be so tricky because each spouse has their own perspective, values, and ways of doing things. If you’re not careful, your children can come between you, driving a deeper wedge in your communication. To combat this, Shaun and I decided long ago that it’s us against the kids. We love our kids, of course, but we are careful to not allow them to come between our relationship.
If one parent is the stronger disciplinarian, the other parent has to decide if you want to be right or if you want to be reconciled. Do you want your parenting issues to actually become communication issues between you and your spouse? Choose to back your spouse, especially in front of the kids. If necessary, the two of you can have a further discussion out of their earshot at a later time to discuss the situation further.
At the end of the day, we all want to be heard. We all want our voices and feelings to matter. It is my hope that after you listen to this episode, you will feel more confident in allowing your voice to be heard and hearing the voice of your spouse, and becoming creative with solutions that will better your marriage.
 
Resources:
 
Register --> Making Love . . . Outside the Bedroom – Couples Workshop
 
Listen --> Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing in Your Marriage or Relationship
 
Rate & Review --> Real Relationship Talk Podcast
 

How to Love Your Spouse When You Don't Like Your Spouse

How to Like Your Spouse When You Don’t Love Your Spouse
 
Do you ever wonder why you chose your husband or wife? You know you should love your spouse, but you don’t even like them. This episode is going to dive right into a thought that most married people have had at one point or another. “How can I love my spouse when I don’t even like him?” Truth be told, our feelings are fickle, and you should never allow your feelings alone to make decisions for you. You did like your spouse at some point. Remember?
I can totally relate to the feeling, though. Due to the marriage problems Shaun and I had for so long, I had started to become hopeless, thinking there was no way I could ever look at him with love again. I didn’t like him. I was often angry. I had been hurt too much. The fact that we are still married (and going strong at that) 21 years later is a testament to the wonder and faithfulness of God!
A Dangerous Prayer
I remember back to five years or so into our marriage, I prayed a dangerous prayer: “Lord, teach me to love my husband like you do. Give me unconditional love.” I think that’s when the bottom fell out. I could not have imagined the trials we would encounter or the way God would take me up on my little prayer and teach me how to love . . . His way. God’s love is radical. It’s illogical. And we are so undeserving of it. He shows us this crazy, radical love and then asks us to show it to our spouse. And yes, you can do this even if you don’t like your spouse. Because love without risk isn’t love at all.
In order for God to teach you how to love unconditionally, he has to show you people in their full humanity. #TweetThat.
In order to learn to like your spouse again, you are going to have to be intentional to find ways to reconnect. So many marriages are in habitual disconnection, caught in the hustle and bustle of life or trapped by past mistakes and unforgiveness. We talked a great deal about unforgiveness in Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships. Be sure to listen to that one.
 
You can learn to like your spouse even if you don’t like him. A resource that might help you to do this is Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk. Shaun and I took our marriage small group through this book over the course of a year, and it was super beneficial.
 
In the meantime, keep listening to this podcast, and be sure to write me your questions to QandA@danache.com.
 
Do you need more support in your marriage? Give marriage coaching a try. I work with “solo spouses” and married couples alike.
 
Learn more about my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching.
 
 

Stop Fixing Your Marriage Problems and Start Connecting Instead - with Mort Fertel

The way to fix your marriage problems is simpler than you think. Stop focusing on the problems in your marriage and start creating connection instead. When I heard marriage expert Mort Fertel say this in his program, Marriage Fitness, I was confused. How could my marriage change if I stopped trying to fix the problems that were destroying it? Could he be just another person promoting another program that would leave me in the same condition I was . . . hopeless?
As I began listening to Mort’s wisdom and following the steps to “fixing my marriage problems” that he outlined in his program, Marriage Fitness, things did begin to change. I became more peaceful, powerful, and purposeful in the decisions I made in my marriage. Years later, after launching the Real Relationship Talk podcast, I knew I had to have Mort on the show.
Why Most Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work
Mort does not believe the way most counselors provide marriage counseling works. He actually says, “The worst day of the week for many married couples is the day they go to marriage therapy together.” Can you relate? The reason, he says, is because the key to solving marital crisis isn’t in fixing what’s wrong (fixing your marriage problems), but in making new things right. Making new connections with your spouse is actually fun, productive, and far more effective than rehashing what’s wrong all the time.
Married couples need to know that it takes a lot of work to make a marriage work. This shouldn’t be shocking. The best athletes, doctors, and professionals in the world all have coaches and intense training. Why should marriage be any different? If you want to fix your marriage problems and make your marriage last, you must be willing to commit to making new connections and building new habits.
The core problem of every marriage is the same—a lack of connection. So work on that instead.
The Truth about Fixing Your Marriage
The truth about marriage is often painful, and many couples would rather go around in circles rather than being honest about how to fix their marriage. Yet, the key to having a great marriage isn’t in finding the right person (or trying to make your spouse better), but in becoming the right person (bettering yourself).
 
For more information on Mort Fertel and his marriage fitness program, visit https://marrriagefitness.com.
To work with me as your marriage coach or for info on upcoming events, visit http://danache.com/coaching.
 
 

Uncovering Shame, Recovering Vulnerability in Relationships (Relationship Mistakes Series)

 
Did you know that shame is one of the silent killers of relationships? Many people deal with shame and don’t know it or don’t acknowledge its presence in their lives. Left unattended, shame causes disconnection, isolation, and destruction in our lives, marriage, and relationships. Why do so many people deal with shame? The answer is also the problem. They hide it. Truth be told, you can’t fix what you won’t face. Shame causes us to hide our true selves. We hide our emotions, needs, pain, and weaknesses from others, and sadly, some of us even hide these things from ourselves.
In this podcast episode, we will uncover the work of shame in our lives and uncover ways to become more vulnerable. My husband, Shaun, joins me yet again for today’s conversation and as I stated in the intro, things got a little tense as we dug deeper into some of the areas shame has made its mark on our marriage.
Knowing that you are suffering from shame is only half the battle. Once you realize its hold on you, it’s time to dismantle it. To help with this, I share four practices that helped me tremendously in my battle against shame:
Reflection – Ask yourself the hard questions . . . When did I start feeling this way? What happened? Who told me I should be ashamed of myself?
Empathy – We know that empathy is putting ourselves in the shoes of another and feeling someone’s pain. It’s very similar to grace. We often don’t show ourselves grace. When we learn to treat ourselves kinder, we will dismantle a lot of shame’s hold on our lives.
Courage – Brene Brown says that, “Courage comes from a word meaning ‘heart.’ To live with courage, you need to be willing to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” I couldn’t agree more. We uncover and dismantle shame when we are willing to face the truth of who we really are.
Affirmations – Knowing who you really are should be enlightening and encouraging! You are not your mistakes. You are not your past. You are who God says you are! Learning the truth of who you are in Christ makes all the difference in the world. Find out what He says about you and begin to say those same words over yourself.
As we do the “heart work” of uncovering shame and discovering vulnerability, all of our relationships will change. You just watch.
 
Upcoming . . .
Married ladies, I’d love to see you at our upcoming workshop: Married Women’s Rights & Wrongs on December 15th. Join us LIVE in-person or online. Tickets are on sale now at http://danache.com/coaching. Be sure to register today!
 
Next week’s podcast episode features marriage expert, Mort Fertel, author of the book Marriage Fitness.
 
Let’s stay in touch! Follow me on Instagram or Facebook.
 
Have a question about your marriage or relationship? Email me at QandA@danache.com.  
 
 

Go Away to Stay Together – the Power of Vacationing for Your Marriage

Did you know that couples who vacation together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who don’t? Could it be that getting away actually helps keep you together? Ustravel.org reports that “Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires.
Shaun and I had only been married a few years when we decided we were going to prioritize vacations in our relationship. What a difference it has made! Life is busy and is full of mundane, ordinary responsibilities. When you go away together, you rekindle something, something that is so easily lost in the everyday hustle and bustle of life. Even vacationing with your children can be therapeutic . . . I’m being serious. Family bonding works wonders for your marriage as well.
In this podcast, I share several travel tips that have helped Shaun and me to save money while still prioritizing our commitment to vacation. Tips like:
Using the Hopper app to save time on booking airline flights
Booking through the hotel or resort directly
Searching for unadvertised deals
Being flexible with your dates
And one supercalifragilisticexpialidocious travel tip that you must listen to the podcast episode to glean!
No matter how or when or how much money you save when you vacation, take it from Nike, and JUST DO IT! Your marriage and your family deserve it!
Have a relationship or marriage question you’d like me to answer? Email me at qanda@danache.com.
And be sure to check out my relationship coaching packages and events at http://danache.com/coaching.  

How These Hidden Fears Are Ruining Your Relationships (Relationship Mistakes Series)

Are you struggling with the fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of failure, or a fear of commitment in your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder why you can’t connect deeply with the person you love? In today’s episode, my husband, Shaun, and I tackle these 4 major fears and help married couples and singles decode the reason many people self-sabotage their own relationships. Love can be scary. It’s risky, and there are no guarantees. The very fact that love is not “controllable,” is reason enough for some folks to remain shallow and fickle in their relationships.
I think of a time when our youngest son was afraid to go into the deep end at the local pool. He wanted to stay in the shallow end where the dangers were minimized. The problem is the shallow end gets boring after a while, and the rest of the family wanted to go deeper. Sadly, many people act like my son did that day. They forgo deeply connected marriages and relationships because of fear.
Once you recognize how these fears are affecting your relationship, it’s time to rid yourself of them. I share four simple solutions on how to do just this.
Learn to embrace uncertainty. Brene Brown says, “the opposite of faith isn’t fear, it’s certainty.” Life isn’t certain, and love is a risk. In order for love to exist, you must take a risk.
Heal from your past. This may require deep soul searching and/or working things out with a counselor or relationship coach.
Silence your inner critic and replace your language. Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation Church, wrote the book Crash the Chatterbox to help us tackle those limiting beliefs. Be careful of how you talk to yourself about yourself.
Take the courageous next step forward. How do you scale a mountain? One step at a time. Don’t try to tackle all your relationship problems at once. Examine which fears are holding you back and tackle one at a time.
 
Would you like a relationship coach? Be sure to check out my coaching packages at http://danache.com/coaching.
And finally, grab your free copy of The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life today!
 
Thanks for listening to today’s episode. I appreciate your ratings and reviews!
 

The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships: Release Them, Restore You (Relationship Mistakes Series)

If you’ve been a real relationship with someone, chances are that person has likely offended or hurt you at some point and you’ve had to choose to forgive . . . or not. Sadly, many relationships end not because of an offense but because of the offended person’s inability to forgive. Forgiving someone who hurt you isn’t easy. As a matter of fact, the closer the relationship, the harder it is, sometimes, to extend forgiveness.
In this podcast episode, my husband, Shaun, and I share from our own experience on times when we chose forgiveness. And, newsflash, it is work! However, there are a few quotes that I hang onto when I’m tempted to hold on to an offense and withhold forgiveness from someone: First, Nelson Mandela writes in his book, Long Walk to Freedom, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison." That.Is.Deep. When you chose to walk in forgiveness, you are literally walking out of a prison cell yourself. On the contrary, when you choose to hold on to unforgiveness, you remain locked in a prison cell of your own choosing.
Secondly, Martin Luther King Jr. reminds us that, “He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love." You can’t really say you love someone if you aren’t willing to forgive him/her.
Lastly, the words of Jesus Christ himself should send shivers down our spine when we realize that, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:5). I don’t know about you, but unforgiveness is a cost that I am unwilling to pay. It’s too expensive! Holding on to unforgiveness costs you true joy, peace, and relational wholeness. It just isn’t worth it.
As a reminder, on each episode I will be answering a listener question on a segment I’m calling Q & A with Dana Che. Today’s question comes from an anonymous Facebook listener who wrote, “My wife and I have been struggling to rebuild our marriage for a long time. I am starting to lose hope. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust her again even though I am desperately trying. How can I trust her when she continues to keep things from me?” What a loaded question. You’ll have to be sure to tune in to the end of the podcast for my answer. Hint, hint, we covered this in detail on episode 3: Rebuilding Our Marriage, Rebuilding Trust.
 
Download your free e-book:  The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life.
Thank you for rating and reviewing this podcast! I appreciate your support!

How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage or Relationship (Relationship Mistakes Series)

It's a true fact that many people compare their relationship to someone else's. But what we don't talk about is how we compare ourselves to our partners. Comparison in relationships damages the joy, the appreciation, and the forward progression. We've all heard it said that the grass isn't green on the other side; it's green where you water it. And that is true. But what is also true is that when you learn to see your partner's strengths as assets that don't take anything away from you, you will be much less likely to compare yourself to them. I see this happen all the time in marriage. One spouse is better with finances or is more hospitable than the other. Instead of appreciation the differences, if spouses aren't careful, they can begin playing the comparison game. And real talk, there are no winners in the comparison game. It's not about being better than anyone else. Growing in relationships is about being better than you were yesterday. 
My husband, Shaun, and I discuss how we have compared ourselves to each other in our marriage and the fallout it created. We also talk about how I compared our marriage to someone else's relationship and again . . . the fallout it created. Here's the thing: Shaun and I disagree on some aspects of comparing when it comes to unmet needs. You'll have to listen to hear us hash it out. In the meantime, be sure to download your free copy of the 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life and let us help you avoid these pitfalls in whatever relationship you find yourself in. 
Download your copy here --> 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life 
Like this podcast? Be sure to rate and review it and let me know what you think!
Interested in working with Dana as your relationship coach? --> Danache.com/Coaching

How Apathy & a Lack of Interest is Silently Killing Your Relationship (Relationship Mistakes Series)

Are you steadily losing interest in your marriage or relationship? Have past hurts, disappointments, or rejection taken its toll on you or your partner? Join me and my husband, Shaun, today, for a conversation about apathy and how it is silently killing your marriage or relationships. Apathy is one of the undetected obstacles that plague many relationships. A partner is repeatedly offended and instead of continuing to move toward his/her spouse, he/she begins to clam up and move away from (or disconnect from his/her spouse. Left unattended that indifference becomes a lack of interest that will threaten to keep you emotionally (and eventually physically) seperated.
Many married couples (and those who aren't yet married) experience bouts of apathy and indifference. Is that normal? I would venture to say that there will always be some level of drifting in every relationship, but when it becomes prolonged, that's when it becomes a major problem. Shaun and I share from our experience on how hurt feelings, the silent treatment, and misunderstandings nearly destroyed our intimacy. 
This is one conversation all married people need to hear. Your relationship is worth your time, energy, and attention. Don't allow the fear of rejection or past wounds to steal from the beautiful possibilities of what can be. 
Stay with us as we launch season 2 of the podcast where we will dive into all five relationship mistakes that are wrecking your life from my newest ebook, The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life. Get your copy here --> http://danache.com/relationshipmistakes. 

How to Fix the Communication Problems in Your Marriage & Relationships

Communication problems are the #1 reason most couples cite when separating or divorcing. But don't be fooled, every couple communicates . . . you just might not do it well. Today's episode features marriage pastor Richard and his wife Deanna Millentree who wrote the book, Face to Face: Conversation Starters for Couples, as a way to help those in marriages or relationships to learn how to have healthy communication and better ways to reconnect to one another. This conversation will help you determine what story you are telling yourself, how to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and how to say what you really feel without judgment or shame.

6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage with Intentional Intimacy & Less Talking - with Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo

Are you looking to have an extraordinary marriage? What if I told you that scheduling sex, being intentional with your intimacy, and having fun with your spouse were some of the top secrets of couples who enjoy a good marriage? Don’t just take my word for it. On todays’s episode, Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of the One Extraordinary Marriage podcast grace us with their bold, effective marriage advice and help us to understand how to connect with a disconnected spouse, how to take the guesswork out of creating intimacy, and what six pillars every healthy marriage needs in order to thrive.

Teen Pregnancy, Parenting, & Talking to Your Kids About Sex with My Mom, Paula Wynn

With shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant, teenage pregnancy used to be a hot topic conversation in many homes. Though statistics show that teen births have dramatically decreased, parents still need to have these crucial conversations about sex with their kids. My mom and I were both teen moms. On today's episode, we both our stories of overcoming the statistics. We also share super practical tips with parents on how to have intentional and purposeful sex conversations with your kids before BoBo down the street or Sexy Sally from the Internet schools 'em. 

Race Conversations 101: How to Have Civil, Compassionate, & Courageous Conversations About Race

Having healthy relationships with people of other races is crucial, especially in the times we’re living in now. But, how do we have more productive, civil, compassionate, and courageous conversations with those we disagree with?
The essence of healthy relationships isn’t that we don’t have conflicts, but that we learn how to manage them. My goal is to encourage you to have honest, vulnerable conversations that will help us to heal our world and make it a better place as we lean in to some necessary conversations about race. 

On the Brink of Divorce to a Breakthrough by Choice: the Value of a Faithful Marriage Community with Javier and Christina Llerena

Many of us have experienced childhood trauma that, unbeknownst to us, affects our marriage. Today's guests, Javier and Christina Llerena's marriage fell apart after a few years due to unresolved pain, unforgiveness, and a bout with depression. The Llerena's realized quickly that in order for their marriage to heal, they would need to do some real, internal work and surround themselves with a community of faith . . . specifically, other married couples who could support them in their dark season. 
On this episode, we discuss the value of premarital counseling and what the red flags the Llerena's missed before getting married. There is also a cultural nuance in their marriage . . . Javier just became a U.S. citizen recently, and having a very different upbringing than Christina, the two struggled to connect. It all came to a head one fateful evening when Javier and Christina realized they needed help. Through making the choice to fight back and experience a breakthrough in their marriage, they have now helped hundreds of couples to overcome in marriage. 
The Llerena's have written a book called Boundless Love, and serve premarital and marital couples in the California area primarily. To find out more about the Llerena's or to purchase their book, visit http://boundlesslove.us. 
 
Thanks for listening to today's episode! For more information on my marriage coaching or upcoming workshops and to get your free copy of my latest e-book The 5 Relationship Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life, head over to http://danache.com/relationship-mistakes. 
 
 

Do Absent Fathers Have Rights Too? with Parental Advocate, Eric Carroll

This episode is for single moms and single dads who are dealing with custody issues of children. Today's guest, Eric Carroll, founder of Dad Talk Today, shares with us some a very important perspective on the truth about "dead beat dads" and what's known as parental alienation. His commitment to see more dads be able to actually parent their kids is refreshing and his story, at times, is heartbreaking. Take a listen and see if you believe absent fathers have rights, and if so, what we can do to help them. 

How to Have a More Fulfilling Sex Life with Dr. Jessica McCleese

Learn what you can do to have a better sex life today! Join me and licensed sex therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese, as we have a conversation around building sexual intimacy in marriage. Sex shouldn't be a taboo topic in marriages nor should it illicit shame and anxiety. From a Christian perspective, Dr. McCleese shares about the value of having open and honest conversations with our children about their body parts, having the courage to tell your spouse what you do and do not like in the bedroom, and how to maximize the often forgotten about "afterglow" experience. This is an important conversation that will yield powerful and pleasurable results in your marriage. 
For more information on Jessica's practice, visit http://befullwell.com. 
And be sure to subscribe/follow my podcast and let me know how it's helping you in your relationship/marriage.

Rebuilding Our Marriage - Rebuilding Trust with My Hubby, Shaun Williams

Have you ever wondered how married couples stay together after experiencing infidelity? Are you, maybe, searching for help with affair recovery after finding out that your spouse has been cheating? Are you struggling to forgive him/her or wondering if it’s time to just move on? In today’s episode, my husband, Shaun, and I have a very transparent and honest conversation about how we recovered from infidelity and how we rebuilt trust in our marriage. 
To be honest, this isn’t easy. Recovering from infidelity takes a lot of work and you will have to pay a price. But it is possible. There are many couples who have overcome this kind of trauma in their marriage and their marriages have actually become even stronger as a result. If you are looking for help forgiving your spouse or looking to recover from an affair, you need to listen to this episode.
Looking for one-on-one or group marriage coaching, schedule a discovery call with me at http://danache.com/coaching. 
Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and give it a good rating if you would!

Overcoming Infidelity in Marriage with Dr. Cyrus Williams

Sadly, infidelity affects more and more married couples each year. It's one of the leading causes of divorce and yet it is 100% avoidable. How do couples find themselves in situations where infidelity has wreaked havoc in their marriage? And, more importantly, what can they do to overcome it? Join host, Dana Che, as she has a conversation with marriage therapist Dr. Cyrus Williams as they discuss setting boundaries, rebuilding trust, and avoiding the root issues that cause infidelity in marriage. 
To learn more about Dr. Williams, visit http://impactccc.com.
For marriage coaching with Dana, visit http://danache.com/coaching. 
Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a rating while you're at it!

Welcome to Real Relationship Talk

Welcome to Real Relationship Talk, a podcast about marriage, family, dating, friendships, and all things relationships. I'm so glad you're here!  I am your host, Dana Che (pronounced Day-na Shay). I have been preparing this show for years, and I have been being prepared just as long. I wanted to create a show where real people with real issues could find real solutions to their real relationships.
I want our times together to be fruitful, joyful, and mutually beneficial. To that end, I carefully choose the relationship experts I have on the show with you in mind. No fakers allowed. And, you can trust that I will ask the questions you are thinking. 
Relationship podcasts abound, so what makes this one different? We will address relationships holistically. For example, you can't really have a solid marriage if you're still wounded from childhood. You can't have fulfilling friendships when you haven't learned how to love yourself. I want you to feel confident in the episodes I share. And, of course, we will always keep it real! 
So be sure to click that SUBSCRIBE button, SHARE, and RATE this podcast. Your support means the world!
To learn more about Dana Che, visit http://danache.com.