Real Relationship Talk

How to Stay Connected When You’re Apart - with Shaun Williams

How to Stay Connected When You're Apart - with Shaun Williams
In the lifespan of a marriage, you are likely to spend time apart, whether temporarily or more long-term. Today, we're discussing some creative ways to stay connected even when you're unable to be face-to-face. This episode was actually Shaun's idea, likely because we have spent a lot of time apart lately due to various business and work trips. 
We all know how easy it is to lose connection in marriage. Well, prolonged distance makes it even worse. That's why it's important to be proactive and diligent when you know that one or both of you will be away. 
Shaun and I discuss several times when we've been apart . . . from just a few weeks and even up to a year when he was away on military leave. We haven't always gotten it right, and each time we're apart, we learn more and more of what each other needs and ways we can help ensure the other spouse feels secure and important. 
I'm sharing some creative practices you can do the next time you or your spouse/partner takes a trip. So, grab a pen or better yet, save this podcast to refer back to. Happy listening! 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 30: Commuter Marriages with Abe & Elaine Romero from Love in the Air Podcast
 
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My Partner Says I Nag: The Difference Between Nagging & Reminding

My Partner Says I Nag: The Difference Between Nagging & Reminding 
No one likes being called a nag. Truthfully, we're just trying to help our spouse/partner anyway, right? Just how do you tell the difference between nagging and reminding? I'm giving you six simple tips to stop nagging your spouse on today's episode. 
But first, did you know the Bible actually has something to say on this topic? Proverbs 27:15 says, "An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike (CSB). The Brenton Septuagint Translation puts it like this: On a stormy day drops of rain drive a man out of his house; so also does a railing woman drive a man out of his own house. Dang. 
Basically, nagging drives our spouses crazy! It's ineffective communication that can actually cause resentment. 
How to Stop Nagging 
There are better ways to ask and even remind your spouse to do something you need. And speaking of reminding, don't do it more than twice. Here are some tips: 
1. Ask, don't tell. 
2. Be patient. Timing is everything. 
3. Make it their decision. (We talked about this on episode 95: How to Get Anything You Want from Your Spouse
4. Use humor. 
5. Use a (shared) calendar.
6. Do it yourself.
Number six will change your life. Oh, the freedom of learning that you are not at the mercy of your spouse's slowness! 
If you find yourself nagging, which of these tips can you employ?
Enjoy the podcast! And leave a positive review! 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Join an amazing community of wives in our next Wife Life cohort!
 
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Quick Tips to Fix Your Boring Marriage - Part 2

Quick Tips to Fix Your Boring Marriage - Part 2
Friends, every marriage gets boring sometimes but it shouldn't stay that way. On today's show, I'm sharing some simple solutions to get your marriage out of a boring rut. 
If you haven't yet listened to episode 96 (I'm Married and Bored to Death!), you'll want to do so before listening today, as we're building on a foundation here. With all due respect, some of what you'll hear today might step on your toes a bit. I'm inviting you into some introspection and perhaps, even, a perspective shift. 
One thing we have to be careful about doing when assessing the state of our marriages is comparing them to someone else's marriage. It's easy to see the highlight reels of everyone and think we're missing out or we're stuck, when in all actuality, that might not be the case at all. 
So take a listen and let me know what other tips you'd share with someone who is dealing with a boring marriage. 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage 
Request marriage coaching with Dana Che
 
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I’m Married and Bored to Death! Part 1

I'm Married and Bored to Death!
If you've been married longer than a week, you know that sometimes marriage can be boring. But, boredom in marriage should only be temporary. In today's episode, I'm shedding light on why marriages grow stale and what's behind the perception that our marriages have gotten boring. 
For starters, let me say there is a difference between love and the feeling of being in love. If you're chasing "those loving feelings," you will make yourself susceptible to being bored in your marriage. JLo, one of my favorite celebs, has been quoted as saying she "loves the feeling of being in love." Think about that. If someone is looking to "be in love," what happens when the feelings die down? Boredom. It's no wonder why we have a generation of people unsuccessfully "searching for love." 
Today is part one of a two-part series I'm doing on this topic, because there are some key practices you can do to help alleviate boredom in your marriage. So, be sure to tune in for those marriage tips next week. 
In the meantime, enjoy today's show as we talk about a topic many married folks will not admit, but likely all have experienced. 
Ladies, check out my upcoming Wife Life group coaching mastermind launching in the fall!
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 79: It Will Work if You Work It
Episode 80: Feelings aren't Forever
Register for the Wife Life Group Coaching Mastermind
 
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How to Get Anything You Want from Your Spouse

How to Get Anything You Want from Your Spouse
Are you tired of bargaining, manipulating, or arguing to get your needs met in your relationship? Are you frustrated that you can't seem to communicate the importance of what you want in your marriage? In today's episode, I'm sharing eight tips to get anything you want from your spouse (or partner, friend, co-worker, whomever . . . the skills are the same). 
You will learn how to state what you want clearly and concisely, how to make your partner think your idea was actually his/hers all along, how to make wishes instead of offering criticism, and so much more! There's no need to be frustrated in your marriage any longer. 
Now, keep in mind, all of these tips can and should be done WITHOUT manipulation. Be sure to listen to the full episode and start improving your ask with your next conversation. 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 49: 5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs
 
And be sure to get in on our 9 Day Lovemaking Challenge! International Lovemaking Day is on June 9th. We’re kicked off the challenge on June 1st and have just a few more days left. Get all the deets at http://r.intimately.us/danache. 
 
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7 Ways Men Destroy their Marriages

7 Ways Men Destroy their Marriage
This one's for my fellas. Guys, your wives have been trying to tell you that you're destroying your marriage in one of these seven ways. Truthfully, it's most likely that your marriage might be falling apart in many more ways than just these seven, but we're talking about the big ones here. If you're humble and open enough to receive this wisdom, it will change how you show up in your marriage. 
Just to tease you, I'll give you the first three ways men are destroying their marriage:
1. You're not listening to your wife. 
2. You're downplaying your wife's emotions. 
3. You're working too much. 
You'll have to listen to the full episode to hear the remaining four ways, and I hope you do, because I want to help couples just like you to get unstuck and start loving and living life again. 
Oh, and here's some episodes you'll definitely want to listen to as a complement to this one: 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 28: Need an Intimacy Fix? There's an App for That! with Dan Purcell (All About Sex Series) 
Episode 70: Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life - with Sathiya Sam (Shameless Sex Series)
Episode 78: The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction & Masturbation - with Shawn Bonneted (Shameless Sex Series)
 
And be sure to get in on our 9 Day Lovemaking Challenge! International Lovemaking Day is on June 9th. We're kicking off the challenge on June 1st. Get all the deets at realrelationshiptalk.com/9DayChallenge.
 
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7 Ways Women Destroy their Marriages

7 Ways Women Destroy their Marriages 
 
Ladies, do you know that you can single-handedly destroy your marriage with a few bad choices? That’s a lot of power. The good news is that the opposite is also true. You can also build (create, construct, set up, raise) the marriage of your dreams . . . but in order to do so, you must have wisdom. 
Proverbs 14:1 says, A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Sadly, there are many women destroying their marriages, and some don’t even know it. 
On today’s episode, I’m sharing seven ways women destroy their marriages. Save your eye roll, because next week we’ll discuss seven ways men destroy their marriages. Are you ready for the list?
7 Ways Women Destroy their Marriages
1. UNDERMINING YOUR HUSBAND’S INTELLECT OR ABILITIES
2. CONSTANTLY CHALLENGING YOUR HUSBAND, ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
3. CORRECTING YOUR HUSBAND IN FRONT OF THE KIDS
4. SHARING YOUR HUSBAND’S ISSUES WITH YOUR FRIENDS
You’ll have to listen to the rest of the episode to get the remaining three. 
 
The good news is if you’re still married, you haven’t destroyed your marriage beyond repair. But don’t wait until divorce papers are being filed to reach out for help if you need to. As a marriage coach, I help couples who are struggling all the time. It’s never too early or too late to get help. 
Can you think of other ways women destroy their marriages? I’d love to hear from you. Send me a message, and I’ll feature your response on my Instagram page.
 
Be sure to tune in next week to hear about the 7 ways men destroy their marriages!
 
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Stop Avoiding Conflict: Communicate Confidently Instead (Communication 101 Series)

Stop Avoiding Conflict: Do this Instead(Communication 101 Series)
Do you avoid conflict at all cost? Maybe you think conflict is a bad thing in relationships or that "good relationships" don't have conflict. Actually, the absence of conflict in a relationship doesn't mean it's healthy; it just means it's likely shallow. If you spend enough time with a person, conflict will inevitably happen. 
On today's episode, I'm giving you five tips to stop avoiding conflict and what to do instead. It all starts with reframing the purpose of conflict. Have you ever wondered how can conflict actually serve your relationship? What can learn from it? How can it help you to grow?
You'll need to also be willing to shed some faulty definitions about conflict and peacemakers. If your goal is to just keep the peace, you will ignore problems, ignore your feelings, and ignore opportunities to actually connect deeper in your relationships. 
Affirmations to Stop Avoiding Conflict
We end the episode with three powerful affirmations you can say every day. 
1. I am worthy of being heard and respected. 
2. It's okay to feel how I feel. My feelings matter. 
3. Approaching this conflict is making me better. 
 
Be sure to listen to the entire episode and if you're not also subscribed to the podcast, do that too! 
 
Are we friends on Instagram? I've been posting fun (and funny), marriage/relationship-related reels at http://instagram.com/mrsdanache. Let's meet up over there! 
Links Mentioned During this Episode:
Episode 88: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 
Episode 90: How Men and Women Communicate Differently 
 
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What I’m Not Saying: The Keys to Nonverbal Communication (Communication 101 Series)

What I'm Not Saying: The Keys to Nonverbal Communication (Communication 101 Series)
We all know actions speak louder than words, and this is true, too, for nonverbal communication. It's not what we say, but how we say it. Research shows that only 7% of all communication is verbal, while the other 93% has to do with our tone, volume, inflections, gestures, etc. 
Sadly, most people don't prioritize the 93% of communication. Words do matter, of course, but what's behind the words matters more. In today's episode I share some practical tips to help you focus on your nonverbal communication and what these specific gestures communicate. 
It'll be interesting to hear how a simple change in intentionality concerning your nonverbal cues will improve your relationship. 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Ep. 89: 7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (Communication 101 Series)
 
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How Men and Women Communicate Differently (Communication 101 Series) - with Shaun Williams

How Men and Women Communicate Differently (Communication 101 Series) - with Shaun Williams
Men are from Mars; women are from Venus, they said. How we communicate can differ as men and women. However, I want to help you take your communication skills out of this world! I couldn't resist. Back by popular demand, we have special guest, Shaun Williams, my hubby of nearly 23 years, on the episode today. He is in rare form, and I think we spent a solid quarter of this episode in hysterics. His shenanigans were on full display. Hopefully, you'll still find tons of value of out today's show. 
Is it really true that men and women communicate differently? Well, of course, some of these factors are generalizations, but the truth is, we are different. Men actually use different parts of their brain to communicate than women do. The science behind our differences is quite astounding. Add to that society's "norms," and you have yourself a recipe for a communication catastrophe. But it doesn't have to be this way. 
I'm Different than You
If we could understand and acknowledge that we are different than our spouses/partners and that one way of communicating isn't better or worse than the other, we'd be so much better. Truthfully, opposites do attract, and we are better together. Different isn't bad; it's just different. Part of the joy of marriage is learning to appreciate, respect, and honor those differences. 
And the Winner Is . . . 
As promised, I announce the winner of our Podcast Review Contest on today's episode! THANK YOU to all who submitted a review. Reviews help others to find Real Relationship Talk and grow in their marriages and relationships. So, please, keep sharing, and keep the reviews coming in!
 
Other Resources Mentioned on this Episode: 
7 Tips to Become a Better Listener 
 
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7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (Communication 101 Series)

7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (Communication 101 Series) 
 
Do you listen to understand or to respond? Here’s the hard truth: most of us are not good listeners even though we think we are. In today’s episode, you’ll learn seven tips on becoming a better listener and the art of wholehearted communication. I’m super passionate about this topic, because I see communication gone wild all.of.the.time. The good news is with a few tweaks, anyone can become a better listener and have more mutually beneficial conversations with those they care about. 
Psychology and Science Say You Don’t Listen Well 
Did you know that there are psychological and scientific reasons why we don’t listen well? First, our brains process what people are saying almost four times faster than the rate they’re saying it. This is why we finish each other’s sentences (and cut each other off). Listening is, indeed, an art. Secondly, our brains can’t handle too much information, so it begins to weed out what it deems unimportant or unneeded (like your spouse’s request for you to clean the gutters or pay off that credit card). But let’s not blame science. Let’s learn from it. 
Become a Better Listener in 7 Ways
I truly believe most of us have good intentions when it comes to listening. We just don’t complete the mission. In the podcast episode, I share seven practical tips to listening better, including listen with your eyes, listen without pre-conceived judgments, listen for the main point, listen to what’s actually being said (and what’s not being said) and more. If you follow these principles, you will notice a significant improvement in your relationships and marriage. Be sure to listen to all seven tips on the podcast. 
 
And remember, you have one more week to enter the podcast review contest! The winner will be announced LIVE on the May 3rd episode! To enter: 
 
1. Listen to an episode
2. Write a review on Apple Podcasts 
3. Email me to let me know you’ve submitted a review. 
 
Find great listening exercises and more on hearing vs listening here. 
 
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Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships (Communication 101 Series)

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships (Communication 101 Series) 
 
Did you know there are four major communication problems that will wreck any relationship (also known as the four horsemen of the apocalypse)? These communication blunders are often practiced unbeknownst to the person. Thankfully, marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has discovered what these four communication problems are and solutions to help us learn how to communicate better. 
 
On today’s episode we’re talking about these four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness,, and stonewalling. You might refer to the four horsemen as different names, but after listening to the episode, you’ll likely arrive at the same solution: they can’t remain in a healthy relationship. To help you destroy these four horsemen, I am sharing some antidotes or solutions that will allow you to practice better communication in your relationships. 
 
This is one episode you’ll want to chew on a little bit. Don’t just listen and keep to business as usual. Which of these four horsemen do you identify with? How can you change your heart and your behavior in order to practice more effective ways of communicating? What’s really at the core of why you’re communicating this way? These are all heartfelt questions that I hope you’ll work through. 
 
After you hear today’s episode, you’ll walk away with some practical tools to communicate better. I guarantee it. Share this episode with your spouse or loved one and see if you agree on what horseman (or multiple horsemen) have hijacked your relationship. 
 
Remember, we are launching our Podcast Review Contest today! You can win a $50 Amazon gift certificate when you do the following: 
 
Listen to an episode
Write a review on Apple Podcasts 
Email me to let me know you’ve submitted a review
 
The winner will be announced on the May 3rd episode!
 
Thanks in advance for your awesome review!
 
Resources and Links Mentioned During this Episode:
John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 
Real Relationship Talk Episode 86: It’s Not You; It’s Me (I Statements) 
Real Relationship Talk Episode 87: The Silent Treatment vs Silence
 
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The Silent Treatment vs Silence (Communication 101 Series)

The Silent Treatment vs Silence (Communication 101 Series)  
 
If you’re like me, you can give a good silent treatment. The problem, though, is that the silent treatment is a terrible method of communication. Whether you "go ghost" due to fear, being unheard, frustration, or manipulation, intentionally icing out your partner can cause major disconnection in your relationship. At best, it stalemates the conversation. At worst, it communicates that you do not care about your partner or his/her needs. But there is a better way.  
 
Alternatives to the Silent Treatment
In today’s episode, we talk about six alternatives to the silent treatment when attempting conflict resolution. Spoiler alert: one of these ways is to do a walk and talk. I love a good walk and talk. It lowers the temperature of the conversation in several ways. For starters, it allows you to have challenging conversations without staring into each other's eyes or intentionally diverting eye contact. When you're walking, you're usually looking straight ahead for the most part.
We also discuss whether the silent treatment can ever be beneficial. Also, is there a difference between silence and the silent treatment? If so, what is it? 
 
I believe that silence can benefit your relationship and help with communication if you follow a few “rules.” For starters, you need to decide how long you’ll be silent. Also, what’s the purpose for your silence? Have you communicated this to your partner? 
 
Be sure to listen to the full episodes to hear the remaining alternatives to the silent treatment. I hope you’ll practice these in your marriage or relationship as you continue to grow in your communication.
 
ALSO LISTEN TO EPISODE 86: IT'S NOT YOU; IT'S ME (I STATEMENTS)
 
 
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It’s Not You, It’s Me (Communication 101 Series)

It's Not You, It's Me (Communication 101 Series)
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who constantly tells you all the things you're doing wrong instead of how they're actually feeling? No bueno, right? Most people have never learned the tools of good communication, so they do things like make accusations, abdicate responsibility for their feelings and/or choices, and incorrectly assign motive to their partner's behaviors. But, oh friends, there is much better way. Learning how to use "I statements" is not only effectively but gives your partner an inside look at the real you: what you're thinking and feeling. 
 
"I Statements" Formula
In today's episode, I am going to coach you on how to use a very simple four-part formula to communicate your feelings and needs. You will learn how to better use your words for more effective conversations. "I statements" have made such a difference in how I communicate not only with Shaun but with everyone! It's so freeing to not have to be the judge of every one's choices and motives. You should try it! 
 
If you're already using "I statements," I'd love for you to share some of your powerful statements with us! Let us know in our Facebook group or email me !
 
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The Best Defense for Offense: Plus that Will Smith Slap! (Communication 101 Series)

The Best Defense for Offense: Plus that Will Smith Slap! (Communication 101 Series)
Do you find yourself getting offended easily or often? Today, I'm sharing six steps to help you avoid offense, plus we have to talk about the Will Smith/Chris Rock slap heard around the world! Here's the deal: Jesus, himself, said, "Offenses will surely come..." (Luke 17:1). BUT, we don't have to take offense. We can truly learn how to live unoffendable. Imagine not only saying "no offense," but actually living this way. 
The Will Smith / Chris Rock Slap
But first, that Will Smith slap! If you watched the Oscars (which, let's be honest, most of us didn't!), we heard about Will Smith slapping comedian Chris Rock clear across the face. I share my thoughts on that situation in this episode. But more importantly, I share how this situation helps us to ask one very important question of ourselves when we are offended. 
Living Unoffendable 
I'd love to spell out all six ways to help you avoid offenses but I really want you to listen to the full episode, so I'll give you two. You'll have to listen to the full episode to get the other four: 
Don't assume the worst; believe the best 
Stop looking for offenses 
Do you have other tips to help avoid offenses? We'd love for you to share them in our Facebook group. 
 
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Preparing for Difficult Conversations (Communication 101 Series)

Preparing for Difficult Conversations (Communication 101 Series)
 
Do you struggle with starting difficult conversations in your relationships? It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you need to communicate a problem or an issue. But did you know that there are actually action items or steps you can take before the conversation that can help steer you in the right direction and make your conversations more successful?
 
In today’s episode, I am sharing four ways to prep for difficult conversations. Be sure to listen to the full episode to get the “sauce” on these four tips. 
 
Tip 1 - What’s your purpose?
Tip 2 - Timing matters 
Tip 3 - Have a singular goal 
Tip 4 - Pray
 
This prep work is intentional but it doesn’t have to be intensive or time-consuming. Once you begin to build this new rhythm into your communication, you will notice a major difference in the outcome of these conversations. Sadly, many people don’t think (or prepare) before they speak. They just spew, but that doesn’t have to be you! 
 
You can decide to be a better communicator and a better partner by simply applying these four tips on the front end of your conflict conversations. 
 
Need more coaching tips? Schedule a free discovery coaching call with me today at http://danache.com/coaching.
 
ALSO READ: 20 TIPS FOR CRITICAL CONVERSATIONS
 
 
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A Marriage Restored After Divorce, Drugs, & Deconstruction - with “Out of the Dust’s” Chris & Steph Teague

A Marriage Restored After Divorce, Drugs, & Deconstruction - with “Out of the Dust’s” Chris & Steph Teague 
 
Not many marriages recover from the depths of drugs, deconstruction, and divorce, but that’s exactly what happened to our guests, Chris & Steph Teague, from Out of the Dust music. Not only did the Teague’s experience the loss of their marriage but also a loss of Chris’s faith. These former high school sweethearts never imagined a reconciliation was possible, but then, the miraculous happened. 
 
Come hear about how God turned Chris and Steph’s lives completely around as they share openly and vulnerably about the darkest time in their lives. This episode is sure to bring hope to hopeless marriages and situations. 
 
And as a special bonus, we’ve interwoven snippets of their newest album, The After, into the podcast. If you think their story is beautiful, just wait until you hear their music! 
 
If God did it before, he can do it again. 
 
It was an absolute honor interviewing these two.
 
Learn more about Chris & Steph and hear Out of the Dust’s music at http://outofthedustmusic.com.
 
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5 Signs You’re Doing Relationships Right

5 Signs You're Doing Relationships Right
We often focus on what's wrong in our relationships and marriages, but in this episode, I'm giving ya'll kudos for doing relationships right. How do you know if you're on the right track in your relationship? Hint, hint, most of these signs start with the mind. What do you really believe about yourself? Your partner? How do you view him or her? What do you focus on?
You'll have to listen to the full episode to get the rundown on all five signs, but they include practices like being secure in who you are, keeping short accounts (yeah, that's a big one!), and keeping hope alive in the face of disappointments. 
Here's the deal . . . every relationship and EVERY marriage will hit turbulence at times. That doesn't mean your relationship is unhealthy. It just means you have work to do. The foundation of this podcast is to help couples to really think about the actual structure of their marriage or relationship. This is heart work, ya'll! 
I'd love to hear from you! What are some more signs that people are doing relationships right? Share them with me on Instagram or Facebook! 

The Female Orgasm: Get’n Real - with Julie Sibert

The Female Orgasm: Get'n Real - with Julie Sibert
Listen, these days, there’s a lot of faking it going on when it comes to women having orgasms. But let’s get real. My guest, intimacy expert Julie Sibert, and I are answering your questions and demystifying the important yet often overlooked female orgasm. The truth is there are many women who have never, and I do repeat, never experienced an orgasm. There are also women who “fake it til they make it.” But these situations are living below the pleasure potential that married sex provides. 
Learning to Communicate Your Needs
Julie shares her journey in learning to openly communicate her sexual needs and desires with her husband and how that intentionality revolutionized her sex life. She also discusses ways that women can take the initial step from awkward conversations in order to help her husband learn her body and how she would like to receive pleasure. 
 
Talking about sex in an honest yet wholesome way is crucial for wholehearted marriages. We have got to get over the shame, stigma, and fear of “going there” in these conversations. Orgasms are a part of sex, and not just for the man. Need I repeat? If you are a husband, and your wife is not consistently experiencing orgasms, it’s time for you to re-evaluate. Married and dare I say, Christian married sex, needs to be mutually beneficial. 
 
Around the 14 minute mark, Julie discusses how faking orgasms brings a lie into your marriage. That one statement is worth an offering. I’m serious. You’ve got to listen to the full episode! 
 
Our hope is that after listening to today’s episode, you never experience boring sex again. Not every encounter has to end with utter euphoria, but both spouses should give and receive sexual pleasure on a consistent basis. 
 
Want to listen to more wholesome advice on married sex? Be sure to listen to the entire Shameless Sex Series on the podcast, especially these:
Episode 76: 8 REASONS WHY WOMEN WON’T INITIATE SEX (SHAMELESS SEX SERIES) 
Episode 77: HOW TO HAVE NON-AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE – WITH SHAUN WILLIAMS (SHAMELESS SEX SERIES). 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Learn more about Julie and Intimacy in Marriage.
Jumpstart Your Intimacy: A Video Series for Wives 
 
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Feelings Aren’t Forever

Feelings Aren't Forever
Are you "feeling some kind of way?" While we all feel the feels from time to time, we can't be ruled by our feelings. In marriage and relationships, feelings are fickle. Feelings aren't forever. They come and they go. As a matter of fact, feelings are meant to be a gauge not a guide. They're indicators not instructions. This is why we should never make major decisions solely based on how we feel. 
 
I've seen many marriages end because one or both partners were feeling some kind of way about each other and about the fate of their relationship. Nothing pains my heart more than to see people let go of their potential due to a short-lived season of flawed feelings. While we should all be in touch with our emotions, we need to remember that we control our feelings. They don't control us. 
 
In today's episode, I share some powerful truths to combat the feelings fiasco and help you to make solid decisions in spite of how you feel. You're going to want to listen to the entire episode. 
 
Our podcast downloads are way up! Thanks so much to all of you who subscribe to the podcast and share these episodes. You're making a difference in the lives of future listeners! Let's keep it going! 
 
And check out this helpful blog post I wrote on "In My Feelings." You can find it here. 
 
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It Will Work If You Work It

It Will Work If You Work It
 
If you want your marriage to work, you have to work it. I know that seems too simple, but the truth is a thriving marriage takes effort. If we want to succeed in anything in life, we have to be intentional and put in the effort. Nothing worth having comes easy. We all know that. So why, then, do we fail to realize this in our marriages? 
 
Today, I’m sharing five ways to be intentional and actually put that effort into your marriage. 
 
You have to have a purpose for your marriage. If you don’t know the purpose of a thing, you will abuse it. What is the purpose of your marriage?
You need to learn yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you tick? Do you actually know yourself? If not, it will be difficult for you to know your spouse. 
You need to learn your spouse. We aren’t the same people we were when we got married. If you think, “I know my spouse already,” you’ll setting yourself up for failure. Keep learning. Stay curious. 
Decide on marriage goals. #marriagegoals is a popular hashtag, but it has to be more than that if you want your marriage to succeed. What are some goals you can accomplish together as a couple?
Get feedback. When we want to improve, it’s crucial that we elicit feedback from others better than we are. Ask your spouse. Ask a mentor couple. Again, keep learning and keep growing. 
 
The universal language of love is effort. So, put in the effort! If you work your marriage, your marriage will work! 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
8 Reasons Women Won’t Initiate Sex - Episode 76
 
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The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction & Masturbation - with Shawn Bonneteau (Shameless Sex Series)

The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction & Masturbation - with Shawn Bonneteau (Shameless Sex Series)
Erectile dysfunction is one of those secret symptoms men don't like to talk about when it comes to their sexual health. However, statistics show that 1 in 3 men under the age of 40 experience erectile dysfunction (ED), and the vast majority of these men are or have been addicted to pornography. 
But porn isn't the only cause of ED. We've been taught that erectile dysfunction is a medical problem, and though it can be, there are other factors. Psychological issues and past trauma can also be contributing factors of erectile dysfunction, according to my guest, Shawn Bonneteau. As a certified professional mentor who's helped countless men overcome pornography addiction and ED and armed with his own personal journey with both, Shawn sheds light on what the little blue pill won't help with. 
Throughout our conversation, we also talk about masturbation and how it affects women and men. This is one conversation you're going to want to listen to multiple times. Grab something to take notes with and listen to this powerful conversation! 
 
Learn more about Shawn and his wife Helena's coaching at https://secrethabit.ca. 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
The Overcoming ED Mini Course
The Secret Habit Podcast
Real Relationship Talk - Ep. 70 - Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life - with Sathiya Sam
 
 
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How to Have Non-Awkward Conversations About Sex with Your Spouse - with Shaun Williams (Shameless Sex Series)

How to Have Non-Awkward Conversations About Sex with Your Spouse - with Shaun Williams (Shameless Sex Series)
My hubby Shaun is our guest today, and we're talking about how to broach the conversation of unmet desires, fantasies, and unrealized hopes concerning sex in your marriage. This is one episode you'll want to hear especially if talking about sex makes you squeemish or triggers feelings of embarrasment, shame, or even pain. The truth is talking with your spouse about sex should be normal. Somehow, society has made it weird. How should you start? When should these conversations take place? What does it mean for Christian spouses to embrace their sexuality? What if talking about your sex life makes you more insecure? Shaun and I tackle all these hesitations and more in today's show. Plus, hear a listener's question in our Q & A with Dana Che segment concerning a previous episode on why married sex is the best sex.
 
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8 Reasons Why Women Won’t Initiate Sex (Shameless Sex Series)

8 Reasons Why Women Won’t Initiate Sex (Shameless Sex Series)
 
If you’re a woman who struggles with initiating sex, a man wondering why your wife won’t initiate, today’s show is just for you. A common sexual issue in many relationships is a difference in sex drives. Generally speaking, men seem to have a higher sex drive and initiate sex more often than women do. But why? Is it truly the way they were created? I think not. On the podcast, I share eight reasons I believe many women struggle when it comes to initiating sex.
 
#1 – Women have been socially and even spiritually conditioned to believe that “good girls” don’t like sex or that ladies do not pursue. This is a sad reality that has caused sexually-driven women to feel confused or ashamed.
 
#2 – She might feel awkward initiating sex, because she doesn’t know how. If a woman has been fed faulty messages concerning her sexuality and wasn’t sexually active prior to marriage, she might not know what to do.
 
#3 – Women may struggle with a fear of rejection. No one wants to make a move and be rejected. So instead of trying, she may decide to just allow things to happen “if they happen.”
 
#4 – She may be too tired. I know this sounds like a lame excuse, but it’s often true. There is so much pressure on women to be domesticated divas, at the top of her game at work, mommy of the year, and then she has to be “Ready Betty” at night. It’s a lot to keep up with!
 
You’ll have to listen to the full episode to get the other four reasons why women won’t initiate sex. And after you do, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to add to this list by writing a comment in the show notes of this episode.
 
And as a bonus, I also share four easy ways for women to initiate sex. Hint, all of these ways are practical and simple. Even the shyest wife can do these!
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Real Relationship Talk – Episode 27: Lopsided Libidos – How to Deal with Different Sex Drives
Real Relationship Talk – Episode 75: Why Married Sex is the Best Sex
 
 
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7 Reasons Married Sex is the Best Sex (Shameless Sex Series)

7 Reasons Married Sex is the Best Sex (Shameless Sex Series)
Sex outside of marriage is touted as the norm or ideal sex, but today’s episode covers reasons why married sex is actually the best sex.
The Bible has a lot to say about sex, and some people don’t understand why. Some wonder does God really care what people do behind closed doors. Well, my friends, the answer is yes. One of the best explanations of this can be found in I Corinthians 6:18-20. I love how the Message translation puts it:
There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
IMO (in my opinion), that’s all the reason we need. Still, there are some who don’t esteem God’s words in the same way that I do, so I give six (well, actually there’s an additional bonus reason included) ways why married sex is the best sex.
 
Maybe you have additional reasons you’d like to add to our list. If so, feel free to email info at danache.com and share your nuggets of wisdom!
 
 
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The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture: Five #Facts (Shameless Sex Series)

The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture: Five #Facts (Shameless Sex Series)
 
Society seems obsessed with free sex. The hookup culture is alive and well, and it’s not just millennials or Gen-Zers engaging in sex on demand. In today’s episode, I’m giving you 5 reasons the hookup culture is no bueno and 5 practical steps to exit right out of it.
 
Many of us have been sold a lie that in order to embrace our sexuality, we need to be “sexually free,” or promiscuous, for lack of a better word. There are no rules, right? Do whatever pleases your fancy. The truth is the hookup culture has caused more pain, heartache, and loss than it’s worth. Whether or not you are a Christian, there are many reasons why the hookup culture isn’t a great idea. These reasons range from scientific reasons to spiritual reasons.
 
Here are a few (You’ll have to listen to the full episode to hear them all):
 
Risks of Premarital Sex
The hookup culture is responsible for a higher divorce rate.
The hookup culture is responsible for fake intimacy (This is really important. Please listen around the 13:12 mark.)
The hookup culture hinders commitment.
I go into much detail on these three and two additional “risks” of premarital or extramarital sex. But let’s not just talk risks . . . let’s talk about real, practical steps people can take when trying to turn their sexual lives around.
Practical Steps to Exit the Hookup Culture
Decide to become accountable to yourself. Real accountability is an inside job first.
DO NOT rush into marriage. This might sound counterintuitive coming from a pastor and marriage coach. But trust me, marriage will not solve your self-control issues.
Watch what you watch. This is another very important simple step in the right direction.
To hear the additional two tips for exiting the hookup culture, be sure to listen to the full podcast.
 
Remember, we are invited to live in freedom, but sexual freedom is not what our culture teaches us it is. The apostle Paul writes in Galatians 5:13, For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love (NLT).
 
Other Helpful Resources:
Web MD – Benefits in Delaying Sex Until Marriage
Why Premarital Sex is a Bad Idea
Need Relationship or Marriage Coaching?
 
 
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Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage

Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage
Proverbs 31 Founder Lysa TerKeurst announced this week that she was divorcing her husband of nearly 30 years due to his repeated patterns of behavior that have violated their marriage (i.e. infidelity). This statement isn't new to Lysa; she made a very similar statement in 2017 when Art, her husband, was caught in adultery. However, the TerKeursts walked through a journey of repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, and renewed their vows in 2017. Sadly, it appears Art returned to his cycle of destruction and now their marriage is irretrievably broken. 
There are some lessons we can learn from why Lysa's decision to end her marriage, which I share plainly in this episode, along with her official statement. 
If your marriage is suffering from adultery, or if it ever has  . . . heck, if you don't want your marriage to experience infidelity, you need to listen to the full episode. 
Learn more about how to protect your marriage by downloading my free e-book 5 Mistakes that are Wrecking Your Life at http://relationshipmistakes.co.

Best of 2021: A Year in Review

Best of 2021: Year in Review
 
Oh, what a year! There have been highs and lows, but we brought the best of the best with this top 10 countdown of our most popular episodes of the year. Counting down from the tenth most downloaded episode to the number one most downloaded show was a sweet trip for me down memory lane. I’m sure these shows are some of your faves as well. Be sure to listen to today’s episode for my commentary on the significance of each show.
 
Top 10 Relationship Podcast Episodes in 2021
 
10 – Episode 69: Oral Sex: Oh My! (Shameless Sex Series)
 
9 – Episode 55: How to Get Over an Argument Quickly (Young & Married Series)*
 
9 – Episode 25: Lies Women Believe about Sex – with Molly Moses (All About Sex Series)*
*Episode 55 & Episode 25 tied for the #9 spot.
 
8 – Episode 48: Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage – with Jenard Moore (Young & Married Series)
 
7 – Episode 27: Lopsided Libido: How to Deal with Different Sex Drives (All About Sex Series)
 
6 – Episode 24: Rethinking Intimacy – Redefining Sex – with Sheila Wray-Gregoire (All About Sex Series)
 
5 – Episode 41: When Life Falls Apart: Unearthing Treasure in the Unexpected – with Hallie Lord (Hope Series)
 
4- Episode 26: Making Love Outside the Bedroom – with Shaun Williams (All About Sex Series)
 
3 – Episode 36: How Guys Think: A Single Man Bares All – with Avery Martin (Single AF Series)
 
2 – Episode 40: Dealing with Disappointments (Hope Series)
 
1 – Episode 49: 5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs (Young & Married Series)
 
I hope you enjoy listening (or re-listening) to these episodes! And tell me, what was your favorite episode or episodes from the podcast?
 
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A Very Sexy C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S (Shameless Sex Series)

A Very Sexy C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S (Shameless Sex Series)
 
Christmas is right around the corner, and we’re celebrating by sharing these sexy Christmas tactics to help you and your boo have the sexiest Christmas ever! These practices are also good for the other 364 days of the year, of course. However, in the hustle and bustle of buying gifts, decorations, hosting and attending Christmas parties, etc., it’s easy to lose sight of our most important relationship. I’m sharing nine ways for you to focus on your spouse this Christmas and re-energize your sex life.
 
Because I’ve always loved a good acronym, I’m giving you a gift of a beautifully illustrated acronym for the word Christmas. Each letter represents an important “must-have” sex tactic to help refresh and renew your sexual connection.
 
The following acronym will help you have a better sex life if it is:
 
C-ommitted
H-oly
R-espectful
I-ntentional
S-pontaneous
T-imely
M-eaningful
A-dventurous
S-exy
 
Now, you’ve got to listen to the full episode (it’s a short one today!) to hear all the goods. Maybe you could add to this list or even come up with your own acronym! I’d love to hear it.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 9: 6 Ways to Build One Extraordinary Marriage with Less Talking
Episode 70: Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life? With Sathiya Sam (Shameless Sex Series)
Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
 
 
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Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life? (Shameless Sex Series) - with Sathiya Sam

Can Porn Improve Your Sex Life?
Do you watch porn or wonder if it can improve your sex life? Today, our guest, Sathiya Sam, shares some shocking revelations about porn and its effects in marriage and life in general. You may not know, but the average age of porn exposure is 11 years old. #LetThatSinkIn. Also, I share my own story of my introduction to porn and my not-so-great response years later when I found my kids had also discovered it.
Here’s the truth. Porn can be a shameful vice. This podcast series is on shameless sex, so having this conversation is necessary for couples who are wondering if watching porn can actually enhance their sex lives. It’s a valid question for many, and Sathiya shares some valid stats with us on porn’s actual effects in our relationships. First, he shares his own personal journey with pornography, saying, “Porn was my reward and my relief at the end of the day.” It didn’t start as an addiction for this pastor’s kid who knew right from wrong, but rather, like most vices, was a gradual process.
More than behavior modification, those who want to walk away from porn need something more. They need to be set free of the shame that feeds the cycle of porn, and they need to be able to have honest and SAFE conversations with people who are in their corner who can help. Here’s the thing . . . [SPOILER ALERT]: Porn may start off as a thrilling experience in your sex life, but it almost never lasts. It causes more devastation than it’s worth, and it robs you of the true intimacy you’re after. There is a better way to better intimacy, which I share here.
Learn more about Sathiya and his new book The Last Relapse (out on 2/2/22) and download your free resource “The Ultimate Recovery Guide” using the links below.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Unleash the Man Within Podcast
Sathiya’s Ultimate Recovery Guide
 
 
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Oral Sex: Oh My! (Shameless Sex Series)

Oral Sex: Oh My! (Shameless Sex Series)
 
We're diving deep and talking about oral sex and all its wonders. Grab your spouse and listen in as we debunk some myths about oral sex. Plus, you’ll never look at one particular Bible hero the same! It’s all here as the inaugural episode in our shameless sex series, dedicated to helping you recover the beauty of being “naked and unashamed.”
 
Check out these interesting articles on my “bonus content” at the end of the show:
 
https://www.premierchristianity.com/home/bible-stories-uncensored-ruth-the-maneater/1011.article
 
https://ymi.today/2020/04/does-the-end-truly-justify-the-means/
 
And for the nitty-gritty techniques of marital sex, visit http://themarriagebed.com.
 
Finally, check out episode 23 and episode 25 (what the church forgot to teach us about sex and lies women believe about sex, respectively) to continue the conversation.
 
Let’s stay connected:
 
On Facebook: @therealrelationshiptalk
 
On Instagram: @danachewilliams
 
On YouTube: @danacheunlimited
 
Real Relationship Talk is a marriage and relationship podcast that helps couples build better relationships by having honest conversations about sex, marriage, commitment, and lasting love. Hosted by marriage coach Dana Che Williams, the podcast is challenging yet conversational and tackles real issues real couples are facing in an encouraging, often humorous, and authentic way. Dana Che and her hubby, Shaun, live in Virginia Beach, have been married for over 22 years, and have four children.
 
Need marriage or relationship coaching? Visit http://danache.com.
 
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast on whatever platform you're listening to!
 
 

Compatibility vs Intentionality in Relationships - with Dr. Joli Hamilton - Part 2

Forget Compatibility! Great Relationships Require Intentionality - with Dr. Joli Hamilton - Part 2
Everyone wants to find someone they’re compatible with, but what if we’re looking at this the wrong way?  Dr. Joli Hamilton is our guest for part two of this conversation. Do opposites really attract? Is it true that we create our compatibility? And if so, how does intentionality play a role? The truth is, we are different. And when you decide that being different is not only okay but preferred, you’ll unlock another dimension in your relationship.
 
You can’t force your partner to be the same as you. Love is about flourishing and growing and being who you were meant to be. Sadly, Dr. Hamilton reminds us, that often the things you wish you could project on your partner or spouse are the things you wish you could own about your own life. That is a deep revelation! What have you been disowning about yourself that you need to reclaim? Own it. Don’t ask your partner to take on these things.
 
High Functioning Couples
Joli and I also discussed the roles in high functioning couples. Often, power struggles occur because of a lack of intentionality in conversations and structure. “Some people think relationships should be really easy or really hard, and these two people are usually married to each other,” says Dr. Hamilton. That’s going on Instagram today!
 
Have a Vision for Your Marriage/Relationship
The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint” (Proverbs 29:18). Having a vision (or purpose statement, as Joli calls it), is vital to a healthy relationship. Without knowing where you’re headed, you’re bound to run around in circles, get frustrated, and ultimately “cast off restraint.” Another way to say this is that you’ll lose the fight for your relationship. You might stay together, but you’ll be distant at best. So, create a purpose or vision statement today.
 
At the end of the day, when you’re ready to up-level your relationship, all it takes is deciding. “Love is a learnable skillset,” Joli says. Stop groping around in the dark and decide to create compatibility by intentionality.
 
Be sure to listen to the full episode by clicking the episode link.
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Get real with The Curiosity Date
Get Joli’s book: Project Relationship: The Entrepreneurs Action Plan for Passionate, Sustainable Love
Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community!
 
 
 
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Growing Together While Staying True to You - with Dr.Joli Hamilton

Growing Together While Staying True to You – with Dr. Joli Hamilton
 
Growing together in relationships is critical to its success. Today, we are joined by psychologist Dr. Joli Hamilton who shares the importance of unmasking (being the real you) while also striving to grow together in your relationship. Joli and I do not share the same beliefs when it comes to certain major aspects of relationships, yet I hope you can see this conversation as a model on how to find common ground on the things you do agree on while still remaining open to learn new methods of relating to others. It’s good stuff!
 
I started the interview by asking Joli, “Do you believe there’s a special person out here for someone?” Her answer will make you pause and think.
 
We also discussed why growth is an important concept for us to understand in relationships. We are meant to help one another grow together. Relationships tend to bring out our real selves, but sadly, instead of owning our part, many of us we blame our partner, when all they’re doing is holding a mirror up to what’s really going on inside of us. #thatpart
 
Some other nuggets from Joli:
‘Be more interested in each other’s growth than your own comfort.”
 
“Love is about knowing someone completely and being fully known.”
 
“Some couples practice not feeling their life.” (Whoo lord! That was deep!)
 
And then Joli talked about a concept called “Individuation.” I just like the sound of the word, but the concept is also an important one.
 
This episode was full of so much gold that I split it into part one and part two. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.
 
 
 
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Until Death Do Us Part (Marriage Vows Series)

Until Death Do Us Part (Marriage Vows Series)
 
If I had to vote on the most important phrase of the marriage vows, it’d be “until death do us part.” In today’s episode, we are discussing the final phrase of the traditional marriage vows, capping off our 10-part series where we have dissected the wedding vows phrase by phrase. Marriage is sacred, yes. And it is meant to last forever. That word forever means f-o-r-e-v-e-r. It is not temporary. It is not until your “love” wears out. Marriage is a lifetime business.
 
Today, we’re discussing the meaning and weight behind these powerful five words. The words that literally mean life or death. In our throwaway culture, forever can seem like a suggestion. But to God, it was anything but. Take a listen to the full episode and be challenged to shore up your conviction on what forever is all about.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Join the Real Relationship Talk / Christian Marriages & Relationships Facebook Community! 
Want Dana to Coach Your Marriage?
 
 
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Forsaking All Others (Marriage Vows Series) - with Shaun Williams

Forsaking All Others (Marriage Vows Series) – with Shaun Williams
 
Part of the wedding vows that can get a little sticky is the whole “forsaking all others” part. What does that mean? Can married people really not have friends? That’s not how I read it. I do, however, believe that once you’re married, all other people have to take a backseat to the marriage bond (oneness) you are trying to create. If there’s a friend (platonic or not) that is threatening your union, they’ve gotta go. Kids? Give ‘em the ax! Well, maybe not technically, but if you have kids, you know they will try to come in between your marriage. Don’t let them. Co-workers, best friends, parents, etc., all these relationships have to be re-evaluated. Now, while I don’t believe in isolating yourself as a married couple, I do believe in using wisdom and communication to know how best to “re-categorize” some folks in your life once you get married.
Real and Raw
Today’s episode was real and raw, and if I think about it long enough, a tad embarrassing, because Shaun and I had a little argument on the podcast. Yep, I kept it in there, so don’t judge us. This information will be used for training purposes. Anyway, I’d love to hear your take on what does it mean to “forsake all others” in your marriage? How have you done this well, and how have you messed up? If we can be real, so can you.
This is a worthy conversation that many married couples are simply not having. Yet, they should. Communicate your needs, desires, and even fears about your spouse’s relationships with others outside your marriage.
I want to make something clear: you should retain autonomy of yourself in whatever relationship you’re in. This isn’t some weird, cultish “lose yourself” teaching. You are a unique individual and will always be, but remember the purpose of marriage is oneness.
 
Okay, that’s all the teasers I’m going to give you. You have to listen to the full episode to get the rest of the goods.
 
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