Real Relationship Talk

How to Know When It’s Time to Divorce

How to Know When It’s Time to Divorce
In this episode, we are discussing the difficult topic of divorce. Although I am pro-marriage through and through, there are times, sadly, when divorce may need to occur: abuse, adultery, abandonment, and addiction. While divorce is never easy, sometimes it is the only option left for individuals to protect themselves and their families. We explore each of these situations and provide information on how to recognize when it may be time to consider divorce.
When to Divorce: Abuse
Abuse can come in many forms, including physical, emotional, and verbal. It is important to recognize the signs of abuse and know when it is time to seek help. I do not believe a marriage can be saved when there is physical abuse present. I always advise individuals to seek help and safety if they are being physically abused. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached 24 hours a day at 800-799-7233. 
We also address the common misconceptions surrounding abuse and why leaving an abusive relationship is often the best course of action. Emotional abuse is different. I believe couples need to seek therapeutic help to determine if mental illness is a factor or if a spouse is simply being mean or a jerk. This is tricky, because all abuse is harmful, but not all cases of emotional verbal abuse warrant divorce. 
 
Should We Divorce Because of Adultery
Adultery can be devastating to a marriage and can leave individuals feeling hurt, rejected, and betrayed. No matter why the infidelity happened, the betrayed spouse needs to know it was not his/her fault. My marriage story includes our journey from adultery, and in no way was it easy. However, just because a marriage has gone through adultery doesn’t mean it is irretrievably broken. 
Your marriage can heal after adultery. In the Bible, the prophet Malachi issues a strong warning to the men to not treat their wives “treacherously” because God hates divorce (Malachi 2:14-16). Too many have focused on the “God hates divorce” part without considering these verses in their proper context. Divorce, in that time, was “cruelty” to women (verse 16). Women in those days had no way to provide or protect themselves. And since God loves his daughters, he hates divorce. Plus, it violates covenant, and God is serious about covenant.
 
Is Abandonment a Reason to Divorce
When a spouse walks out on the marriage, it can be devastating. Abandonment isn’t only a painful experience for the spouse who stayed but also any children that might be present. This leads to feelings of loneliness, rejection, and betrayal for those left behind. 
One of the best Scriptures that pertain to this is I Corinthians 7:15: “But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.” If a spouse walks out on you, you are not required to go chase down behind them or wait for years for him/her to return. 
 
Addiction Ruins Families and May Be a Cause to Divorce
Addiction can have a profound impact on a marriage and can cause significant stress and strain on a relationship. Most people agree that addiction is a disease and usually required professional help to overcome. Addiction is messy, and often non-addicted spouses feel guilty for filing for divorce. 
While I do not counsel couples to divorce, I do advise them to see carefully weigh the positives and negatives in their decision to stay with an addicted partner. There must be firm boundaries set in cases where addiction is wrecking a marriage. 
 
ALSO READ: How to Live with An Addicted Spouse
 
Divorce is never an easy decision, but sometimes it is necessary to protect oneself and one's family. In this episode, we explored four common situations that can lead to divorce: abuse, adultery, abandonment, and addiction. It is important to remember that seeking help and support is essential during this difficult time. I believe there needs to be a lot of support and wise counsel before one makes the difficult decision to divorce.
 
Links Mentioned In this Episode 
 
Episode 6: On the Brink of Divorce to a Different Choice - with Javier and Christina Llerna 
Episode 83: A Marriage Restored After Divorce, Drugs, & Deconstruction - with Chris & Steph Teague 
 
 
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Feeling, Dealing, & Healing from Rejection - with Nicole Langman

 
Feeling, Dealing, and Healing from Rejection - with Nicole Langman
 
Welcome to this episode of our podcast where we will be discussing the topic of how to deal with and heal from rejection.  Rejection is a common experience that everyone goes through at some point in their life. It can be a painful and difficult experience to deal with, especially when you’re rejected by a spouse or someone you love. It’s important to understand that rejection is not a reflection of our self-worth. In this episode, I talk with clinical therapist, Nicole Langman, who wrote the book You are Wanted: Reclaiming the Truth of Who You Are. We explore different ways to cope with rejection and how to heal from it.
 
Understanding Rejection
Let’s start off by exploring what rejection is and how it affects us. Rejection is a normal part of life, and it can come in many forms such as rejection from a job, rejection in a relationship, or rejection from a friend. It’s important to understand that rejection can be painful, but it doesn’t define who we are as a person. Nicole and I also discuss how rejection can affect our mental health and the importance of taking care of ourselves during these times.
 
Coping with Rejection
 
Nicole shares the painful story of how her husband walked out on her after more than twenty years of marriage. That rejection did a number on her soul, until she remembered who she was. It’s important to know that rejection can cause soul wounds, triggering abandonment or loss feelings we may have suffered from in other relationships. This is where narrative therapy really helped her and some of the people Nicole has worked with around this issue. 
 
In this segment, we also discuss different coping mechanisms for dealing with rejection. This is where knowing your identity in Christ is crucial. When you know who He says you are, no matter how someone has rejected you or made you feel, you can heal more quickly from their actions. Nicole and I also talk about the importance of acknowledging our feelings and not suppressing them, as well as the importance of seeking support from those who love us. Some other self-care practices like exercise, meditating on God’s word, getting out of your head, and even journaling can help us cope with rejection.
 
ALSO LISTEN TO: How Apathy and a Lack of Interest is Silently Killing Your Relationship 
 
Healing from Rejection
Lastly, we will talk about the process of healing from rejection. Self-reflection is important here and we can use the experience of being rejected as a learning opportunity. We also talk about how forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, both for ourselves and for the person who rejected us. Finally, we will touch on how to move forward from rejection and finding the courage to love and trust again. 
 
 
Rejection is a difficult experience to go through, but it’s important to understand that it’s not a reflection on who we are. By acknowledging our feelings, seeking support, and engaging in the healing process, we can cope with rejection in a healthy way. Through self-reflection, spiritual practices, and forgiveness, we can also heal from rejection and use the experience as an opportunity for growth. Remember, rejection may have hurt, but it doesn’t have to destroy you. With time and resilience, we can move forward and find true healing as we remember that God can use anything, even rejection, for our good and His glory. 
 
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Nicole’s Langman's website 
Get Nicole's Book: You are Wanted 
 
SIMILAR PODCAST EPISODES ON REJECTION: Episode 122 
 
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Black Marriage: Behind the Scenes (Black Love)- with Early and Cherese Jackson

Black Marriage: Behind the Scenes  (Black Love)- with Early and Cherese Jackson
Black marriage, like any other type of marriage, is complex and multifaceted, evolving over time. Historically, black people in America have faced numerous challenges when it comes to love, dating, and marriage. My guests on today's podcast are Early and Cherese Jackson. Married for nearly fourteen years, the Jacksons discuss how an "independent black woman" and a confident, unintimidated black met, married, and are walking together in business and ministry. It's a behind the scenes look at a real marriage. A healthy marriage. An example of a good marriage. 
 
Emotional Support
Truthfully, whether you're black or not, you need the emotional support of your spouse. Cherese discusses how she often needs her own space to create and be herself. Early, understanding his wife's temperament and needs has learned to adjust and give her the emotional support she desires even while not physically being in her presence. 
 
Parenting Dynamics
When it comes to parenting, most couples will disagree on some levels. Usually, one parent is "softer" than the other, which causes one parent to be more of a disciplinarian. Couple that with a blended family, and you have a recipe for hurt feelings and disconnection. Or . . . you have an opportunity for true unity and compromise. Early and Cherese chose the latter, learning with a limp, as they blended their family together. 
 
From present-day systemic racism, black couples have had to navigate a society that often fails to value and support their relationships. Despite these challenges, black marriage has persisted, and in recent years, there has been a resurgence of interest in celebrating and elevating black love. That's the entire reason I did this #blacklove series on the show. 
 
Thank you for taking this journey with me and celebrating the stories of black love. 
 
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Connect with Early and Cherese and New Direction Coaching
Get Your Free 7 Secrets to a Healthy Marriage!
 
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8 Blessings & Burdens of Growing Up Black (Black Love)

8 Blessings & Burdens of Growing Up Black (Black Love) 
Growing up black was a blessing, but there were facets of how we grew up that could also be a burden. In this episode I discuss the strengths, weaknesses, blessings and burdens that come with growing up in a black family. Whether you’re here to learn about what it was like growing up black, here to learn more about your black friends, or wanted a message to resonate with, this episode dives into my experience as a black person growing up in America.
 
I noticed that a lot of the blessings and burdens are indicative of our black community. The reason I wanted to showcase these things is because I feel that they are strengths that our community can glean from, however sometimes they can also be weaknesses. Here are the 8 blessings that can also be burdens.
 
Being Independent
Growing up black, I think one of the greatest things that I learned was independence. Being independent taught me never to rely on other people for my success. It's taught me how to get stuff done on my own. It taught me that I can do more than I realized. Being black you realize you have to do things by yourself. I was a latchkey kid. This taught me a lot about independence. However, on the flip side of that coin, independence can make us reject the support from others. There's this strong sense of pride in our we have, which is great, but sometimes the burden of it is that it can make us so independent that we don't know how to get along with others.
 
Show Some Respect
The second blessing that I learned growing up black is respect. Now I have a very high version of respect for others. This also caused me to have a very high appreciation for authority. Growing up as a black kid, you didn't call grown ups by their first name; you addressed them by Mrs, Ms., or Mr. (insert last name). Growing up black, there was such a level of respect in our community. On the flip side, it can become a burden. When you don't develop the greatest relationships with your children, because you’re hyper-focused on respect, it turns more into “Yes ma’am, no sir.” vs “Hey Mom, hey Daddy.”
 
Discipline Your Kids
Number three of growing up black taught me discipline. I learned how to be a disciplined person. On Saturday mornings, my mother would wake us up with her loud gospel music and that was our cleanup day. She didn't care that we were out of school that day and we wanted to relax, this was chore day! That taught me that you need to get stuff done. You don't just lay around and not participate in the community you live in. We're a part of a community, our little family. The burden is that sometimes we can be too disciplined, too rigid, and too stoic in our beliefs and our behaviors. 
 
Growing Up Black Takes Strength
We learned strength growing up black. We learned how to be strong and tough. Not only physically strong, but also emotionally strong. It taught us how to not let life tear you down. Black folks were going through some difficult times. You couldn’t let the happenings in society tear you down because you would be completely weak. On the flip side of that, sometimes that strength can make you too hard and unemotional. That takes a lot of work to undo.
 
Resiliency Makes Us Strong
Number five is my favorite thing to talk about. Resiliency is similar to strength, but resiliency is really having the ability to bounce back after getting knocked down. When I was young, I watched my mom go through all sorts of craziness in her life. She just kept getting back up even though she might get knocked down again. Nothing, it seemed, could keep her down. I learned that for myself as well. Unfortunately resiliency can sometimes make you stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships or friendships. It can cause you to not want to ever give up on things, even though “giving up” may be the best, healthiest thing for you. 
 
You Have To Be Resourceful
My mom always knew how to make something from nothing. Growing up black, we learned all you need is a little to make something work. Learning how to be resourceful allowed me to use what I had at the time. It taught me creativity on a whole other level. This, however, can become a burden, because resourcefulness can breed a scarcity mentality. If you're always thinking you don’t need a whole lot, then you won’t expect what you actually deserve. This scarcity mentality can ruin relationships, so be aware of that. 
 
Family Matters
What a blessing to have the rich legacy that black families provide. Family always came first. For the most part, black culture has a very family-centric focus. Having a close knit-family brought so much fun and laughter into my life. Cousins and family abounded everywhere. However, having a close family culture can also cause some burdens. Sometimes our families can meddle a little too much in our business. Because the family ties are so close, people will be up in your business who don’t need to be. It’s so important to learn how to set boundaries because of this.
 
Spirituality and Faith in the Black Community 
Finally, the biggest blessing of growing up black is spirituality and faith. There is a super strong sense of faith and God in the black community. Prayer, faith and spirituality are so interwoven in the fabric of the black family. Not every black person is or was a Christian, but all the black people I knew honored God on some level. Church was a mainstay in many black families. On the flip side, this expectation of “godliness’ can breed hypocrisy, making people be outwardly religious, but inwardly “rachet.” 
 
As I’ve mentioned in the episode, growing up black isn’t superior to any other way of growing up. And, certainly, many of these lessons were experienced by other ethnicities and cultures as well. From my upbringing, being raised black, I have learned that what might seem like a burden can also be a blessing depending on the lens you’re looking from.  
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Real Relationship Talk
Get Your Free 7 Secrets to a Healthy Marriage!
Black Marriage in America 
 
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The Myth of the Broke & Broken Black Family (Black Love) - with Kevin and Wanda Turpin

The Myth of the Broke & Broken Black Family (Black Love) - with Kevin and Wanda Turpin
 
We’re celebrating black love on this Valentine’s Day! And I’m dispelling the myth that most black families are broke or broken. The truth is there is a resiliency and strength that is foundational to many healthy black marriages and relationships.
 
Today, I’m joined by one of my pastors, Kevin Turpin, and his wife, Wanda. The Turpins have been married 44 years! Below are some snippets of our conversation as we delve into what they learned from their parents’ longstanding marriages, how they overcame communication problems in their own marriage, and what they think their greatest legacy as a family is.
 
What Did Your Parents Teach You About Love
 
Dana Che: The fact that both of you guys have both of your parents. I love that because I feel like a lot of the stereotype is that all black people grew up in single parent homes and no black people grew up with their fathers. And both of you are living witnesses of the opposite,. You both grew up in families that were intact. Not perfect, I'm sure, but healthy.
 
Wanda: And we even grew up with our grandparents being married, that probably also, Dana, was a benefit to our marriage. I’m sure had our parents had some tough times, but you just don't leave. You work it out. Now, there are some things harder to get over than others, but you work it out and you stick it out until hopefully it does work out and your marriage makes sense. We saw strong marriages growing up.
 
Black Love: Elevating Not Excluding
 
Dana Che: When we say black love, this is not meant to be racially exclusive. We want everyone here to feel included. But I also want to make sure that we elevate black love, especially during Black History Month. We are elevating what black love is, how resilient, how strong it is. Pastor Kevin, let me just start off by telling people we have a big value of marriage counseling and marriage coaching on this show. I know Shaun and I sat across the counseling table from you many times in our relationship, and you've counseled quite a lot of couples, not just in our church, but just couples in general.
 
Let me ask you, just kind of starting off this conversation, if you had to say, over the course of the many couples that you have counseled, what do you see as kind of the main foundational problem that a lot of couples are facing?
Couples with Communication Problems
Kevin: I would say communication on so many different levels. And part of it is not understanding the wiring of the other person or warning the other person, really, to think and to act, to make decisions the way that person makes them. And that's impossible because there's a book called His Brain, Her Brain. We’re wired differently in every facet. Women and men are different. That sounds trite, but it is a truth.
 
So what I attempt to do is to help through various tools, help couples really see how God has wired them so they can understand. Again, this took now what I can give to couples, maybe in four or five sessions, it took me half of my marriage to learn, 45 years to learn it myself. But once you come to understand, one, that you're different, and two, you learn to appreciate those differences. That's when you're on a good road to healing, a good road in terms of understanding how to work with each other in unity and in harmony. So I'll stop there, but communication is at the top.
 
Dana Che: All right. So let's talk a little bit about you said.  It took you, like, 20-25 years to learn. So what was going on with you and Wanda? What were the communication challenges that you were seeing in your earlier years of marriage?
 
Kevin: Well, in our earlier years of marriage, I came in with some unusual baggage. I was very religious, sincere in my passion for God, loved not only God, but loved the church. So much so that I did one thing. I'll tell you this quick story. When I we were married for five years, four years before we had our first child, five years before we had our first child. And I had developed this regiment. On Friday nights, I go to church. I come home, work all day, one that works all day, become home, and I go to church because I was a musician. So at 06:00, I need to rehearse the choir, and then following that was a church service at around 08:00, so I wouldn't get home to about nine or 10:00 that night. Okay. So when we had Kevin, I picked Wanda up. It was a Friday that she came home. We came in the house and I said, okay, sweetheart, you got everything. And guess what I did.
 
Dana Che: You went to church after your new baby had just been born?
 
Kevin: It took some time for me to live that way down, but that was an issue that was out of total ignorance, and it really sent a really bad message to her, to where she felt, okay, this is the way my life is going to be. I got to find a way I'll stay long enough to get things stable for my son, but I don't know if I could stand this relationship.
 
I didn't have a clue, the message that I was sending. And at that time, Wanda wasn't a big talker. She was just saying, well, if this is his life . . . she’s not that type that's going to intrude. If that's who you are and that's what you want, I'm not going to interfere. So she didn't communicate that, but I picked it up, and there's some more to the story. But that's when I really began to kind of understand that, no, I need to learn some things. I need to mature and need to allow her to be who she is. And not try to make her who I think she should be based upon some idealistic, religious, spiritual ideology.
 
Married with a Spiritual Imbalance
Dana Che: Yes. That is so good that you're talking about that, because I do think a lot of Christian couples are dealing with that, where you'll have kind of this imbalance in spirituality and one spouse. I mean, I was this way where I would do the whole shaming Shaun because he didn't want to go to church and trying to make him go to all the meetings and stuff that I wanted to go to and doing the whole blame and shame game. So I think that there's always that tendency because like you said, our intentions are good, but the way that we present it, it really just pushes the other spouse in the opposite direction.
WATCH MY VIDEO: WHEN YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T LEAD SPIRITUALLY
Kevin: It is absolutely right. That was, for me, one of the things that I did that I learned later as I matured, that boy did that damage the relationship early on that needed some time to heal, and I had to prove it was more than words, really. You count and I really respect you. I had to demonstrate that and prove that.
 
Dana Che: So, Wanda, you weren't much of a talker in those early years. Was it just kind of this idea that he's going to do what he wants to do anyway, there's no need or was there something else going on inside of you that you didn't communicate, like what this was really doing to you?
 
Wanda: First of all, my personality is I'm an internal processor. I don't process outwardly. And also, I wasn't trying to compete with God. Now, when Kevin I'm going to go back a little bit. When we first started dating, he wasn't really well, he was involved in church, don't get me wrong, but I very much was at the top of his list. And then we get married and people say this all the time. You find out who the real person is when you get married. And I always say men like to hunt. They like to do all they can to get the prey. And then when they have the pray, they're like, okay, so I can go back to my regular life. So this part of Kevin's life, I really did not know how in depth he was or connected he was to the church. 
What Most Black Fathers Want for Their Daughters
My dad raised three girls. So I had a mom and dad all my life. I don't know anything without a mom and dad. And my dad raised three girls. And his philosophy was, I don't know that you're going to get married. I hope that you find someone special, but if not, I'm going to make sure you know how to survive. So survival, I felt like, wasn't going to be that hard for me because I kind of knew how to do it. But it was important because I already had my son, that he was connected to Kevin, even though I wasn't really connected to Kevin. So I said, well, I'll stay long enough so that I don't destroy my son. I want that bond to be there between he and his dad. And I'm not going to compete with God. If God is number one in your life, then fine. And we are at the bottom. That's where we were going to stand. So I wasn't going to try to compete with God, but I realized later it wasn't per se God. It was the religious environment that we were in.
 
 
Wanda: Dana, I want to say this. I think most people plan for the wedding, but they don't plan for the marriage. And it's very difficult. You're taking two different, totally different personalities and trying to bring them in along with your family dynamics. And we have a great relationship with both sides of our family, which I know a lot of people don't have, but we do have that. We were raised similar as far as morals and your love for your family, but the difference was the religion. Church was a part of our life, but it wasn't everything in our life.
 
Dana Che: Wanda, you said two things that I think are and correct me if I'm wrong or if you have a different perspective, but two things I think that might be kind of unique to black culture. One, you said that your dad raised you to basically survive. He was like, I'm going to raise these girls up to be able to take care of themselves so they're not dependent upon a man. And I find that that is something that is unique to our culture, whether you're being raised by a single mom. I was raised by a single mom for the majority of my childhood, and that was my mom's purpose. It's like, you need to be able to take care of yourself. You need to be able to be independent. And not to say that our other cultures don't teach their kids that, but I do think that there is something very unique about black culture that we want to make sure our kids are going to be all right. 
 
They're not going to be dependent upon anybody. And then the second thing that you said that I thought was really impactful you were talking about just kind of how you grew up and the fact that both of you guys have both of your parents. And I love that because I feel like a lot of the stereotype about blacks is that all black people grew up in single parent homes, and no black people grew up with their fathers. And both of you are living witnesses of the opposite, that you both did grow up in families that were intact, not perfect, I'm sure, but impact families.
Black Families: Legacy Leavers
Wanda: Right. And we even grew up with our grandparents being married, so there was never divorce. I didn't see divorce until I got older and some family members that just didn't make it. But as far as my family and our grandparents, we always saw marriage. So that probably also Dana was a benefit to our marriage, because you just don't leave. I'm sure had some tough times, but you just don't leave. You work it out. Now, there are some things that it's harder to get over than others, but you work it out and you stick it out until hopefully it does work out and your marriage makes it. And we can say for both our parents, they have wonderful marriages, though. My dad died two years ago. 63 years for my parents and 72 years for Kevin's parents.
 
Dana Che: Wow.
 
Kevin: We saw strong marriages. Not perfect, but they modeled, particularly later in life. My dad is 92 and waits on my mom hand and foot, but my mother waits on him, too. So there's that reciprocal relationship, and now it's sweeter than ever. God has blessed us with tremendous role models of what a marriage is.
 
Dana Che: You know, I came across a quote that said, black love is revolutionary. And I've been, like, marinating on that quote. And then one of my friends said it to me not too long ago, and she's a single girl, and she's like, I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to settle for just anybody. So I asked her, and I've been asking different people, like, what does that mean to you? Black love is revolutionary. So I want to ask you guys, what do you think about that quote? Do you agree? And if so, what does that mean to you?
 
To hear the rest of the conversation, be sure to listen to the full episode of the podcast! 
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Grab Your Free 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage Resource
Learn more about the Life Enrichment Center 
Listen to 5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R Your Marriage in Prayer 
 
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From DUI & Deception to Deliverance (Black Love) - with Shaun Williams

From DUI & Deception to Deliverance (Black Love) - with Shaun Williams
My hubby Shaun is back with today! We spill the tea on how we met, our tumultuous dating, including a tragic car accident & DUI, the ups and downs of getting pregnant and married at a young age to where we are today.  Whew!
The first real situation we experienced together was at Shaun’s senior prom. I left with one of my guy friends and Shaun, in a drunken rage, followed and ended up in a car accident. One of the lowest moments in my teenage years was this night. Shaun totaled his car and went to jail. After the accident, we didn’t see each other because my mom wouldn’t allow me to see him. Shaun lost his football scholarship, experienced depression, and was shipped off to boot camp.
 
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Once Shaun decided it was time for change, he left for boot camp. He really felt that this experience helped grow him into a man. He would write several letters to me as he was away, but I was never the long distance type. After many months of being away, Shaun returned from boot camp and ended up running into my mom and me at the mall. Shaun said he was getting married (which was a lie), but once I got ahold of this news, I knew I couldn’t let this happen. We slowly rekindled our relationship and got back together.
 
Surprise Visitor
It was time for me to go off to college and Shaun decided to join me. One month into college, we got a big surprise. I was pregnant. This news completely changed the trajectory of our lives. I knew that it wasn't possible for me to raise a child in a dorm room, so I knew I had to drop out and leave college. Since our church taught us that we must get married because we’d had a child out of wedlock, we married at 18 and 21. Ahem, not advisable. 
 
Early Marriage Infidelity
Shaun and I experienced so many struggles when it came to being new parents and newlyweds. We suffered from infidelity on both sides and experienced a really tough relationship in the earlier years. It got so bad that I didn't think that I would be able to continue on with this marriage. It was extremely challenging trying to build a family foundation when nothing in our life felt stable. We both knew something had to give. It was time for us to both start working on ourselves, creating a relationship with God and healing things that held us back from being all we knew we could be.
 
ALSO LISTEN TO: Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding Us: Our Journey Out of Infidelity 
 
Turning Shadows to Light
We both knew that there was healing needed in order to allow our relationship to survive. I got my relationship with the Lord back on track, and my life completely changed. Shaun got therapy and started realizing who he actually was. We both started healing from things that caused us pain in the past.  It sounds super simple, but it’s true: this healing really allowed us to come together and create the family that we have today. Through God's love, grace, and guidance, we were able to not only survive our marriage but thrive in our marriage. Our journey from DUI, deception, near-divorce, and doubt has led us to sharing our testimony with as many people as we can. We are a living witness that if God can do it for us, he can do it for you too . . . if you’re willing to surrender, forgive, repent, and let him make you new.
Listen to the full episode and share with someone who can use some encouragement in their marriage today.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Learn the 7 Secrets to a Healthy Marriage 
Teen Pregnancy, Parenting, & Talking to Your Kids About Sex 
How to Get Your Spouse to Go to Marriage Coaching 
 
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5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in Prayer

5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in Prayer
One of the most important things you can do for your marriage is to pray for your marriage. Learning communication skills, conflict resolution techniques and intimacy hacks are great. However, if you’re leaving your marriage uncovered by failing to pray for your spouse and your marriage, it will always be vulnerable to attacks. Prayer is an essential guiding tool to get you and your spouse on the same page and create unity in your marriage.  In today’s episode I am sharing with you about my acronym C.O.V.E.R. which teaches you how to specifically pray for your marriage. 
 
Pray with Compassion
I believe that when we are praying for our spouses, we need to start with compassion. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.” Think about that for a moment. How are you treating your spouse? Are you treating him/her with kindness and compassion, or are you holding grudges? Are you being kind? The first thing to remember when you go to pray for your marriage is to go to God with a heart of compassion and love.
 
Pray in Oneness
Marriage is all about becoming one. The goal of marriage is not simply to become happy; the purpose of marriage is that you and your spouse become one. Did you know your marriage is a living witness of the realness of who Jesus is? Pray for your marriage that you and your spouse will walk in oneness. Get on the same page as your spouse and become unified. Let go of the idea that you need to “win the fight” or get your point across or have your own way. Start embracing the journey of becoming one with your spouse.
 
Pray with Vigor
When you pray for your marriage, let your prayers be vigorous. Your prayers should be full of effort, energy, and enthusiasm. Isaiah 40:29 says “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” God gives strength to the weary. He is the one who gives us power and energy to put in the effort. When you put in the love, commitment, and vigor into your marriage, God will deliver. 
 
Pray with Expectation
I am always talking about praying with expectation. It’s time we all start to pray with expectation, not just hope for the best. When we go to the Lord, we go with a heart of expectation. God hears you when you pray and is willing to make moves on your behalf. When we go to God, we pray to God expecting that he will deliver. It’s important to pray for your marriage with with a heart of expectation and also to have faith in the answer to that prayer. Start praying for victory from a place of victory. When you pray, believe what you are praying for and watch God make himself known in the most magnificent ways. 
 
Pray with Readiness 
Are you ready to obey what you hear? Prayer is a dialogue. First you pray, then you get quiet and listen to hear what God has to say back to you. Sometimes you may not like what God has to say in return.  You have to be ready for the Spirit of the Lord to give you guidance that you may not want to hear. When you pray for your marriage, really listen in order to get direction. When you pray for your marriage, be ready to take action. Luke 11:28 says, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” If you want God to speak to you, then you need to be ready to obey. 
Listen to the full episode to hear some specific areas I recommend that you pray for in your marriage. There is no prescribed way to pray. Simply pray from your heart and then listen to what God speaks back to you. Prayer is powerful! Now it’s time for you to get to praying.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Download your 7 Things Free Resource Today
 
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What to Do When Your Marriage or Vision Dies

What to Do When Your Marriage or Vision Dies
What happens when your marriage or your vision dies? What are you to do when the dream you had for your marriage seems like it has come to the end? As a married couple, you may find yourself at this difficult stage, but I believe even then, there is an opportunity to save your marriage.
Today, we're going to church! Sort of, anyway. This episode was inspired by a story in the Bible in Luke chapter 8:41- 56 about a man who thought he lost a very important thing to him . . . something that looked like it, too, had died. Friends, I want you to know that the pain and suffering you may be going through right now is not the end of your story.
 
Do Not Be Afraid: Have Faith over Fear
When hard times come, fear gets louder. When our marriages don’t go as expected, we allow fear to creep in and overwhelm our emotions. This fear will not help to repair the problems. Don’t be afraid of what’s on the other side. Oftentimes, when conflict and issues arise in marriage, the first thing we want to do is run. We start going down the rabbit hole of what life could look like if our marriage does truly fail. That thought process doesn’t help anything. Don’t be fearful of what could go wrong. Stand in faith, remembering the marriage and strength you’ve created thus far.
Fear will try to creep in. Fear can exist, but it’s the conscious decision to choose to walk in faith in spite of fear. The Bible says we must walk in faith, but what does it mean to have faith? Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of thing yet unseen (Hebrews 11:1). When you have faith in God and his plan, you can believe strongly that it will work out. When you are in those moments of fear overcoming every thought, return to God. Ask him for the strength you may need to believe in the plan that he has for you.
 
Words Have Power
What are you declaring in your marriage? So often we speak negatively about our lives and our marriage, resulting in those things coming to life; resulting in the death of our marriage vision. Words matter, friends. When we speak limiting beliefs out loud, that is what we will see in our life. The power of the tongue can proclaim the vision in your life. Words create worlds. Think about how you are speaking and how it has affected your life. Are you going around saying positive or negative things about your marriage? My hope for you is that you can declare what you want for your marriage. Speak in the direction that you would like to see for your own marriage. After speaking what we want, it’s important to take on full faith that the declaration spoken will come to life. 
 
Get People Out of Your Business
Are there people who could be bringing your marriage down? There could be outside opinions that are constantly telling you how to conduct your marriage. These outside opinions typically aren’t helping, and they could even be hurting. Turn off social media and stop comparing your relationship to other people's relationships. Quiet the noise that you are hearing from people outside of the marriage. It’s time to come together as a team and figure out the issues alone without being impacted by other people’s thoughts.
 
Marriage Vision Dead Just Temporary Pain? 
Your marriage vision might not be dead after all, but rather just going through a temporarily painful time. It may feel like it’s permanent but really it’s temporary. This too shall pass. When you have faith, you can trust that God has the power to resurrect even the deadest of marriages. Do not give up on the thing that you have worked so hard for.  Have faith and believe in your marriage again. You can heal and come out stronger from the trials you are experiencing. This doesn’t have to be the end for you. 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Thrive Wives Group Coaching
7 Secrets to a Healthy Marriage Free Resource
 
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When Your Marriage Vision Gets Blurry

When Your Marriage Vision Gets Blurry
January is the time where we focus on the vision for our marriages, relationships, and lives. If we are not intentional with our marriage vision, we will experience vision loss in marriage. In today’s episode I talk about how it may be time for us to take a deep look inside of our vision statement to see if we are really practicing what we are believing for.
 
Do You Have a Vision?
The first thing to look at is if you have a vision for your marriage. If not, refer back to the episode 126: How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage: My Step-by-Step Process.  Having a vision is so important to understand where you're at, where you're going, and where you want to be. It may seem like common sense, but you could be experiencing vision loss in your marriage by simply not having a vision.
Be sure to listen to this hilarious story around the 22:30 mark!
 
Prioritize Your Marriage
It’s important to stop and really take a look at what is important in your marriage. Where is the place in the relationship that you think needs more nurturing? When we pause, analyze and figure out what is most important in our marriage, it allows us to really prioritize the things we want and need the most. Take a look at your vision with your partner. Understand where you are, where you want to go, and what is most important right now. Vision loss in marriage can happen if both people are not focused on what is most important.
 
Marriage Goals & Alignment
It’s time you and your spouse get very clear on what your goals are together. Both partners in the relationship should be on the same page when it comes to the marriage vision. If this is not happening, vision loss in marriage can start. Come together, agree on the things you both want, and create a plan of action. Make sure that there aren’t competing visions that could make you work against each other. This is what unity in marriage is all about. When you become aligned in your marriage vision, you will see your marriage strengthen. 
 
Tweak & Set New Goals
Your marriage vision may need to be tweaked from time to time. Maybe there were situational changes that no longer align with your original goals and vision. It’s okay to change aspects in your vision. Like most things in life, sometimes we need fine tuning to get it just right. 
Maybe you and your spouse are high achievers and you are ready to work on something new. Creating new goals in marriage is a way to get clearer on your vision as a couple. Perhaps you’ve started to feel stagnant, leading to vision loss in your marriage. Get a fresh perspective and set some new goals together that you can achieve. Sometimes all we need is something fresh and new to get us going again.
 
Drastic Measures May Be Needed
Course correction may be needed if you feel like you are turning your wheels in the mud. Feeling stuck in your marriage calls for drastic measures. Sometimes couples may need a vision correction. I share a similar example of how I took drastic measures with my physical vision when my health become jeopardized. 
It’s possible that some things may have changed when you created your original vision. Change is okay, as long as it works for both people in the relationship. Evaluate your vision, acknowledging where it’s gotten blurry, and decide on a course of action to focus on your marriage vision again.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Thrive Wives Group Coaching Starts Soon!
 
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How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage - My Step by Step Process

How to Create a Vision for Your Marriage - My Step by Step Process
So you're convinced you need a vision for your marriage, but what is the step-by-step process to actually creating a vision for your marriage that both you and spouse can grasp? Get ready to nurture and grow your marriage into the one you’ve always desired. Let 2023 be the year you begin creating a marriage vision. I go through this exercise with every one of my coaching clients because of how transformative it is. This is hands down, one of my most favorite topics because of how valuable this exercise can be in your marriage. In today’s episode I teach you how to create a vision in your marriage and how to live by it. 
 
Remove Distractions
Step one to begin creating a vision in your marriage is to get in a quiet space and remove distractions. If possible, I recommend going away for a day or two to get some focused alone time together. This will allow each of you to be removed from everyday distractions and settle into the exercise of creating your marriage vision. If that’s not possible, get some quite focused time together right where you are. This can be done in a coffee shop, a long drive, a walk around your neighborhood, or even in your undistracted bedroom. This time is about being focused together to create the vision. 
 
Pray Together as a Couple
There are so many benefits of praying together as a couple. When you pray, you invite God into the decision making process of your life. Step two of creating a vision in your marriage is to pray. This is time for you and your spouse to come together and ask God where you need to head in the next year. Allow him to lead you and show you his vision for your life. When you invite God into this time, he will help provide the answers for the direction you and your spouse should go in your vision.
 
Write the Vision, Make it Plain
When you write something down, your brain tends to remember that thing more than if you just think about it. Step three is writing down every word that comes to mind when you think of the marriage you desire to have . Both husband and wife will start by writing down positive words about your marriage. This list should be exhaustive and helpful in creating a vision for your marriage because it gets all the ideas on paper. In writing these words, you will start to think about how you would like to shape your marriage in a more positive way. This is the part in the process where each partner can freely write whatever they desire in the marriage. Together, you should have around 25-30 words written down. 
 
Highlight What Resonates
After you write down the words, you will circle or highlight the words that resonate with you and your partner the most. Step four is taking the words that you and your partner felt most connected to and bring them to life. You will then use these words to create short phrases for creating a vision in your marriage. Use the words to come up with a few solid sentences that could be used as your marriage vision statement.
 
Write Your Marriage Vision Statement
Once you have some phrases identified, begin to start forming some sentences. These sentences should be coming from language that you and your partner already use. You really want to embrace authenticity when it comes to creating your marriage vision. Remember, this is your vision statement together! Both husband and wife need to participate equally to feel heard and be excited about this. This is your future after all. Give yourself some time to go through this exercise. This may take a few iterations to get your vision statement to a good place, but it’s worth the time.
Repeat Your Vision Out Loud
The time has come for you and your partner to rehearse the vision statement out loud. Memorize this special sacred statement that you can return back to each day together. Each person must memorize the vision statement and continue to keep this vision in the forefront of their mind. Together as you rehearse, you will remember the importance of creating a vision in your marriage.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 125: Why You Need a Vision for Your Marriage with Gaby Sundra
Real Relationship Talk
 
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Why You Need a Vision for Your Marriage - with Gaby Sundra

Why You Need a Vision for Your Marriage - with Gaby Sundra
Having a vision for your marriage is essential if you want to go the distance. Plus, a marriage vision is a helpful tool that can keep you and your spouse on the right track. Today’s guest, Gaby Sundra has created her own playbook that helps couples create a long lasting marriage that will thrive as they create a vision for their marriage. Creating a vision is about two people coming together, discussing their desires and goals, and working together to build something beautiful. In this episode, Gaby shares tools and tips on how you can start creating a vision in your marriage today.
 
Ownership, Compassion & Creativity
We all know marriage takes a lot of work. The magic comes in identifying the work that is helpful to making your relationship thrive. The start of creating the vision for your marriage begins with Gaby’s acronym OCC that stands for ownership, compassion, and creativity. Each person in the relationship typically has their own healing to do in order to show up as the best partner. This is what it means to take ownership of your own “stuff.” It’s also important that you own your needs and desires. Compassion starts with you giving yourself compassion and then your partner too. Gaby said, “Express compassion for their experience.” When you are able to show your partner a little compassion, it lets them know that you are there to support them. Creativity comes into play when solving issues in the marriage. Creative thinking can be used to give some options as couples work together and through the problem.
 
Creating a Vision for your Marriage
Imagine if you could create a vision for your marriage. It’s SO possible to create a blueprint of what you want your marriage to look like and create that in real life. Often times we focus on what the problem is and not what we want to happen. Creating a vision is about defining what you want the marriage to look like. When you stop focusing on the story of what you don’t want and focus on the need you want met, the vision can start to come alive. Creating a vision for your marriage is all about getting super clear on what you both desire as a couple, writing it down, and speaking it into existence. It takes work from each partner to fully embody the vision that you see for your marriage.
Human Needs in a Relationship
What are your needs in your relationship? Marshall Rosenberg says there are seven basic needs; Connection, Physical Well-Being, Honesty, Play, Peace, Autonomy, Meaning. Gaby said, “All conflict is, is us struggling to get our needs met. If we can get away from the story and move into the need we want to have met, that is the essence that’s trying to work through the conflict.” Rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader knowing what your needs are, tell them your needs! When we can communicate what we want, how we want it, and what we desire, it can help create that vision in your marriage. 
 
A Marriage Vision that Honor your Desires
Your desires mean something good about you. When you can communicate what you desire in your marriage, this will help get clear on your vision for marriage. Gaby said, “The word I hear most often when couples share their visions is, ‘relief.’” This relief is created because couples can actually get on the same page of where they want their marriage to go. Honoring your desires is an act of self love and an act of love in the marriage. Two people can come together and build something so beautiful and sacred when they get clear on each of their desires, create a vision for your marriage and grow. 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Gaby’s Free Playbook
Gaby Sundra’s Website
 
 
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Your Faves - Top 10 Episodes of 2022

Your Faves - Top 10 Episodes of 2022
Can you believe we are already winding down 2022?! This year has been filled with so many blessings for me and this podcast. On today’s episode, I share the top 10 episodes of 2022. This year I had the opportunity to have conversations with some incredible guests that were able to bring you some of the top relationship and marriage advice! 
 
Number 10 -  The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture (episode 74)
This top 10 episode of 2022 was a part of our “Shameless Sex series.” I dedicated this particular episode to my single men and women as many have remarked how “it’s rough out here in these dating streets.” Society seems obsessed with free sex. The hookup culture is alive and well, and it’s not just millennials or Gen-Zers engaging in sex on demand. In this episode, we discuss five reasons the hookup culture is no bueno and five practical steps to exit right out of it.
Listen to The Lowdown on the Hookup Culture
Number 9 -  The Silent Treatment vs. Silence (episode 87)
This may have been one of my top episodes of 2022 because I sometimes struggle with giving people the silent treatment. This was a part of our “Communication 101 series.” In case you didn’t know, I dedicated an entire series to the art of communication in relationships. The main takeaway from this particular episode is that there is a difference between the silent treatment and silence. Silence can actually be very good and healthy in your relationship, but the silent treatment never is.
Listen to The Silent Treatment vs. Silence 
Number 8 -  7 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriages (episode 94)
This episode was for my fellas. Guys, your wives have been trying to tell you that you’re destroying your marriage.. Truthfully, it’s most likely that your marriage might be falling apart in many more ways than one, but we’re talking about the big ones here. If you’re humble and open enough to receive this wisdom, it will change how you show up in your marriage. This top 10 episode of 2022 can help men correct behaviors that may be detrimental to your marriage.
Listen to 7 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriages
 
Number 7 -  4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart (episode 103)
I know there are so many couples who are recovering from infidelity. I really wanted to create a podcast where we dive deep on giving practical relationship and advice that will help heal the broken heart. Most of us have been through this unfortunate situation at some time or another. It’s never easy mending a broken heart, but it is always possible. This top 10 episode of 2022 will give you the tools you need to start your healing.
Listen to 4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart
Number 6 -  7 Ways Women Destroy Their Marriages (episode 93)
In this episode we talk about how women do things subconsciously that unintentionally destroy marriages. The good news is if you’re still married, you haven’t destroyed your marriage beyond repair. But don’t wait until divorce papers are being filed to reach out for help if you need to. As a marriage coach, I help couples who are struggling all the time. It’s never too early or too late to get help. Listen to this episode and learn seven ways women destroy their marriages.
Listen to 7 Ways Women Destroy Their Marriages
Number 5 -  How Men and Women Communicate Differently (episode 90)
In this episode we talk about how men and women communicate differently. Men are from Mars; women are from Venus, they said. How we communicate can differ as men and women. However, I wanted to help you take your communication skills out of this world with this episode, because no matter what society says, there are differences in the genders, especially in how they communicate. This episode has a very special guest, my husband Shaun. You don’t want to miss this one!
Listen to How Men and Women Communicate Differently
Number 4 -  7 Tips to Become a Better Listener (episode 89)
Do you listen to understand or to respond? Here’s the hard truth: most of us are not good listeners even though we think we are. In this episode, you’ll learn seven tips on becoming a better listener and the art of wholehearted communication. I’m super passionate about this topic, because I see communication gone wild all.of.the.time. The good news is with a few tweaks, anyone can become a better listener and have more mutually beneficial conversations with those they care about.
Listen to 7 Tips to Become a Better Listener
Number 3 -  12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in your Relationship (episode 102)
Did you know that 1 in 4 marriages will experience infidelity? The good news is half of these marriages will survive it. In this top 10 episode of 2022, I’m giving you 12 practical (but not easy) steps to rebuild trust in your marriage or relationship. This is one episode you will want to refer back to should you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of affair recovery. I truly believe that all is not lost when someone commits adultery. Your marriage or relationship can survive this, but you need an action plan in order to succeed.
Listen to 12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in your Relationship
 
Number 2 -  The Female Orgasm (episode 81)
This episode was extra special for the LADIES! Listen, these days, there’s a lot of faking it going on when it comes to women having orgasms. But let’s get real. My guest, intimacy expert Julie Sibert, and I are answering your questions and demystifying the important yet often overlooked female orgasm. The truth is there are many women who have never, and I do repeat, never experienced an orgasm. There are also women who “fake it til they make it.” But these situations are living below the pleasure potential that married sex provides. This top 10 episode of 2022 will teach you all about orgasms and how to get yours right.
Listen to The Female Orgasm
Number 1 -  Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage (episode 73)
This was the top 10 episode of 2022. Lysa TerKeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministries, recently filed for divorce from her husband, Art TerKeurst, because of repeatedly breaking their marriage vows/covenant. In a raw and real Instagram post, Lysa discretely details her thought process in ending her marriage. Sometimes enough is enough. Many Christian marriages experience infidelity, sadly, and many betrayed women, especially, don't know how to end their marriages because they've been taught to stay no matter what. You do not want to miss this episode!
Listen to Why Lysa TerKeurst Called Quits on Her Marriage
 
THANK YOU my loyal listeners and new podcast listeners for a great year! What was your favorite episode of 2022?
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Real Relationship Talk Youtube Channel
 
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5 Free Gifts Your Spouse Will Love This Christmas

5 Free Gifts Your Spouse Will Love This Christmas
Christmas is such a beautiful time of the year. It’s a season a giving; a time to come together, spend quality time with those you love, and enjoy each other's presence and presents. But some might not be into presents or able to afford them. So, in this episode, I share five free Christmas gifts that your spouse will love this season. Gift giving doesn’t always need to be focused around monetary gifts. Sometimes a thoughtful, free gift can make Christmas time extra special.
 
The Gift of Passion in Marriage
Passion is the number one free Christmas gift you can give to your spouse this holiday season. I want you to think about what passion looks like in your marriage. Where does your marriage need a fresh dose of passion? Passion is creating excitement and igniting interest in your partner and your marriage. Find a place where you can insert more passion into the relationship to create a spark of joy this holiday season.
 
The Gift of Touch
There is a statistic that says if a baby is not touched within the first seven days of being born, he or she could die. Touch is so integral to relationships. It literally is so necessary. If you are in a marriage and you only touch during sex, that is a problem! This kind of touch could be a gentle massage, a tight embrace, or brushing your hand on your partner's shoulder. Touch is a free Christmas gift that will help bring you and your spouse closer together. Hugging and other forms of touching triggers your brain to release the chemical of oxytocin, which is known as the “bonding hormone”. This simple and free Christmas gift could bring you and your spouse closer together in a matter of seconds.
 
The Gift of Decision-Making
Sometimes spouses who are more laid back spouse have problems making decisions. If they do make decisions, they are extensively cross-examined as to if their decision was the right one. Give your spouse the free Christmas gift of decisions and preferences. Instead of you always creating and implementing the plans, give your spouse the opportunity to choose. This will give your spouse the space to choose something that they prefer to do this holiday season. It’s such a gift when you say to them, “I care about what you care about, and your voice matters.”
 
The Gift of Affirmations
Most people love to get compliments. How can you affirm your spouse this Christmas season? I think words of affirmations should be part of your daily rhythm in your relationships. Most of us are so hard on ourselves, so when you have someone who tells you how great you are, it feels really good. One of the best free Christmas gifts you can give this season is the gift of affirmation. You can show gratitude, express appreciation, and tell them how much you love them. When you fill your partner's cup with affirmations, you will see a change in your spouse and in your marriage.
 
The Gift of Peace
John 14:27 says “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives do I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Peace is an inner knowing that all is well. There is a peace that you can give to your spouse that no one can take away. This holiday season you can set aside your differences and give your spouse the free Christmas gift of peace. Bring peace to conversations that normally may be stressful. Peace starts with YOU. Fill yourself with gratitude and love and pass peace along to your partner to create a nurturing atmosphere this season.
 
ALSO LISTEN TO: A Very Sexy C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S 
 
 
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The Dating Playbook for Christian Singles - with Kait Tomlin

The Dating Playbook for Christian Singles - with Kait Tomlin
If you’ve been feeling a little lost in the dating scene, this episode will provide you with the Christian dating playbook you’ve been seeking. Kait Tomlin is a dating expert, author, wife, and Christian follower who has turned her pitfalls into passion through forming her own Christian dating playbook. Kait has had her fair share of dating tragedies that she learned to turn into her purpose. Her mission is to help other Christian singles find the love that they so ever desire. Through her work, she teaches individuals to date with integrity while being open to receiving the gifts that God may reveal. 
 
The Hookup Culture
Over the last 100 years, the dating culture has changed significantly. With emerging technology, negative impacts from media, and decision fatigue, it surprisingly makes it more difficult to find that special person for you. The dating norm has gone from courting a lady, to finding someone at the bar and hooking up. This cannot be the right path, people! This is not the best way to do it. Kait said, “Media has really infiltrated how we view relationships, dating, connection, and the process to get there.” The Christian dating playbook can teach you to step outside of what you see in the media, and lead from the love of God to find your person. 
 
Finding a Good Christian Husband
Many Christian women find it so hard to find a good Christian man. Kait said, “The reality is that they [men] are not everywhere, but you have to be open that they do exist.” If you allow the bad guys out there to dictate that all men are like that, you will totally miss the good ones. A key piece in the Christian dating playbook is to date the unexpected. We have a giant list of preferences that could be holding us back from finding our perfect person. The key here is to remain open. Preferences often become non-negotiables which can seriously limit the dating pool. When you shift your perspective and focus on core character qualities, rather than preferences, you will see more potential possibilities in dating. 
 
Rejection Is Redirection
Kait had to go through the struggle herself, to birth The Heart of Dating. Through her rejection, she was able to discover her purpose to help singles find the true love of their life and in themselves. When Kait was blindsided by her ex no longer wanting to marry her, she was shattered. It forced her on a journey to rediscover who she was along with her identity as a Christian woman. When rejection hits, it allows us to go within and ask ourselves deep questions about ourselves. Rejection is part of the equation. It’s possible to feel rejection, but also feel loved and worthy at the same time.
 
The Dating Playbook But First Single and Content
The narrative has always been so focused on getting married, having kids, and living happily ever after. That scenario is not always the case for everyone. It’s important to remain content in your singleness and enjoying the gifts that it brings. There is such beauty in spending time alone, learning about yourself, and growing into the best version of you. Remembering that single is a season of your life that is all about you. When we see this time as a gift, it allows us to appreciate what we have. The Christian dating playbook teaches you to also enjoy your singleness, while you prepare for the person God has for you.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Thank You For Rejecting Me
Heart of Dating
 
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Raising Culturally-Conscious Christian Kids in a Chaotic Culture - with Catherine Segars

Raising Culturally-Conscious Christian Kids in a Chaotic Culture - with Catherine Segars
Have you and your spouse ever disagreed about how to raise your kids? Disagreements about parenting can wreak havoc on a marriage. Further, raising Christian kids is no small feat. Today, our guest is Catherine Segars, an author, podcaster, speaker, and motherhood apologist who helps parents be a godly example for their children. In our conversation, we discussed the wild ride it is to be a parent. Culture can cause challenges when it comes to raising Christian kids. Catherine provides guidance on how to equip children with a tool belt to help then navigate, make decisions, and grow in a faith that they can call their own.
 
The Importance of Unity in Parenting
You’d think that every Christian would want to raise Christian kids, but that is not always the case. When husbands and wives aren’t in sync with the way they parent their kids, it can cause friction in the marriage and family dynamics. Catherine said, “You gotta be united. Kids will sense weakness very quickly.” It’s not always easy for parents to be on a united front when it comes to parenting, but Catherine says this is extremely important to reach the end goal of raising Christian kids. When parents are in sync and on the same page, they will have more success behind raising children that stay in faith.
 
Words Matter When Raising Christian Kids
Catherine believes in helping children create awareness around the terms they use and the biblical truth behind those words. So often in culture, words are modified and changed based on the culture’s beliefs at the time. As cultures continue to develop, terms and definitions are skewed subjectively based on the person speaking about the term. Catherine says when raising Christian kids, it’s important that children are taught to be active truth-seekers and challenge the definitions that are being reformed in society. Challenging definitions of truth allows us to make sure we have accurate definitions of words that are consistent with reality and biblical truth.
 
Allow Kids to Question Everything
As a parent, you have got to be on your toes in this day and age. Society and culture are trying to teach kids not how to think but what to think. True education is teaching kids how to process information and arrive at a truthful conclusion. We can teach our kids how to look at an issue from all sides, and to figure out the truth of that. It’s important that children have the chance to think and question for themselves in order to arrive at their own conclusion. Parents remember, this is healthy behavior when raising Christian kids. 
 
Challenge Labels in Culture
We need to start challenging labels in culture and society. Culture labels people and discards them. God does not. If you stand up for truth, you are going to get labeled. Catherine repeating what Jesus taught, said, “The enemy is the father of lies.” We need to have the expectation that we will be labeled if we are standing for biblical truth. As we are raising Christian kids to be resilient and courageous, it’s very possible that it may happen to us. This doesn’t mean we have to put labels on other people. We need to have that expectation we will be labeled, we may get discarded, but we will not operate that way. We can’t operate by the world's standard; we operate by our God’s standards of helping and serving people. It’s key to remember that we, as parents must always lead by example when raising Christian kids. This is how we walk the talk and help our kids to become leaders who love God and love people in a chaotic world.
YOU'VE GOT TO ALSO HEAR THIS: Episode 8 - Teen Pregnancy, Parenting, and Talking to Your Kids About Sex - with My Mom, Paula Wynn
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Catherine Segars Website
Christian Parent, Crazy World Podcast
 
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How the Enneagram Can Improve Your Marriage - with Christa Hardin

How the Enneagram Can Improve Your Marriage - with Christa Hardin
The Enneagram, a system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions, can tell us a lot about ourselves. Even better, when you pair the Enneagram and marriage, you can learn deeply about your relationship.
 
The Enneagram is a 9-type personality test where you score 1 through 10. Once you figure out what type you are, you can better understand your struggles and your strengths. Christa Hardin, our guest today, is no stranger to the Enneagram. She is a relationship coach whose specialty is the Enneagram and marriage. She works with her clients to nourish their relationships by understanding the Enneagram and using it to their advantage.
 
Understanding the Enneagram Types
As stated, there are 9 types on the Enneagram scale. You can take an Enneagram personality test to better understand the weaknesses and strengths of your personality. Sometimes we get caught up with our weaknesses, but the Enneagram helps us to realize that sometimes our “shadow parts” (the unhealthy side of our personality) can actually guide us toward healthier interactions. Enneagram and marriage compatibility is something you can learn and grow from once you understand the meaning behind some of the things your partner does. When you find that you can work together, rather than against each other, that’s the sweet spot. Enneagram within marriage can help spouses to reveal more of the truth in themselves and create a better understanding of each other.
 
Compatibility in the Enneagram
Some people wonder if they should search for someone on the Enneagram who is compatible with their Enneagram type. While it could be helpful, it’s not necessary. Christa says, “Often love finds us in the sense of opposites, and the polarity is what brings us together.” Sometimes love meets you in a way you never expected. Be aware that every type has a different gift. The combinations of those gifts are endless. 
 
It is far better to have a good commitment and partnership with someone than to find a good match on the Enneagram scale. Learning about the Enneagram and marriage can help guide you closer to your partner and create a more loving, nurturing relationship.
 
My Partner Doesn’t Believe in the Enneagram
What if you’re “sold” on the Enneagram, but your partner isn’t? The best way to change someone's mind about something is to lead by example, Christa reminds us. If you want your partner to understand the value that the Enneagram understanding brings to your life, you have to pave the way to understanding. No one ever said learning about the Enneagram and marriage is fool-proof. However, when you show how the Enneagram has created guidance and light in your life, it will become contagious. When your partner sees you maturing and growing, they will want to jump on board. When you find clarity in your life from the Enneagram tool, you can also help others better create understanding for their own life.
Listen to: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage 
 
Self-Compassion and Growth
Self-compassion is the first step to owning your emotions and overcoming your shadow side. Allowing yourself to explore all the facets of your personality is a great way to recognize where you are and where you want to be.
 
By being open to learning about Enneagram and marriage, you can have a new perspective on how you see yourself and your struggles. It opens your mind to new possibilities of seeing yourself and your life. When we learn to work with our wounds, it allows us to grow and help people along the way. When we take time to work on healing, it will benefit us in our relationships. Be sure to listen to the full episode and learn all about how the Enneagram can help you in your marriage!
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Enneagram and Marriage: Christa’s Website
The Road Back To You: One of the greatest books on the Enneagram
Take the Enneagram Test by Truity
 
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Finding Financial Peace in Your Marriage - with Austin Black

Finding Financial Peace in Your Marriage - with Austin Black
I had the wonderful privilege to have a conversation with Austin Black, who is a Ramsey Solutions Master Financial Coach. In this episode, we talk about how families can create financial peace even when times are hard. Austin teaches financial management and helps couples to see how money affects nearly every aspect of their lives. He uses his skills to teach people that you can win with money in life and marriage to achieve financial independence.
 
Dave Ramsey’s 8 Baby Steps
In order to help his clients achieve financial peace, Austin helps people learn the eight steps to achieve true financial freedom. This eight-step process helps guide people in learning about money, creating smart financial decisions, and planning for the future. The steps used on his clients are meant to guide them to use money as a tool, not a burden. Before jumping into the eight steps, Austin believes that there needs to be a strong financial vision in place before starting the work to achieve financial peace.
 
Create Your Vision for Financial Transformation
It can be overwhelming and daunting when you decide to take a hold of your power and get serious about your money. Austin believes that before you begin to make changes you must identify your vision, create a plan to accomplish the vision and then manage your behavior to make that plan happen. It takes a deep knowing that you are ready to commit to big change. When couples can, together, get aligned with a shared financial vision, that’s where the magic happens. With big change comes big reward. Creating financial peace doesn’t come easy, but it is possible. Regardless of how fast you want to go, you must have the desire to get to the place you want to be. “You gotta start with the desire, that’s where everything begins,” Austin advised. 
 
Effective Money Conversations In Marriage
Couples often need help when it comes to communicating around finances. At times, couples will find themselves running into issues when it comes to being in agreement about their budget. The budget, however, will not solve anything if the communication is not there in a marriage. Austin said, “We gotta figure out how you guys can talk to each other without arguing, while being able to understand each other and respect each other.” A lot of times, couples have the same goals around money but the communication barrier gets in the way of them achieving true financial peace. Austin brings his clients back to the basics by learning to communicate clearly around their money needs and goals.
 
Finding Your Financial Balance in Marriage
The core essence in marriages when it comes to finances is his belief that women are the natural savers and men aren’t as worried about saving. Women have the need for security, stability and insurance through finances. It’s so important to understand both sides of the masculine and feminine dynamics in a marriage when it comes to finances because it gives clarity on how to move together better. When partners can understand their strengths and see they are on the same team, it can help achieve financial peace. It takes work in communicating and understanding strengths that each partner can bring to the financial table. When couples can remember that they are on the financial journey together, they will be on the right path. 
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Freedom Money Coach
Heart of Money Podcast
Start with Why by Simon Sinek 
 
 
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Love Never Fails (Love Is... Series)

Love Never Fails (Love Is... Series)
This is the final episode in our love is series on how to love unconditionally . . . a love that never fails.
I am fresh off of a world-class trip all the way across the world to Tanzania, East Africa, and if this is maybe your first time listening to the podcast, maybe you didn't know that I was away for so long. Well, of course I have to update you on all the wonderful things that happen on that trip and maybe I'll do a bonus episode just to kind of give you guys, those of you who want to know all about the trip, I'll be able to share with you some really great details. 
 
It was really a great time. There were so many things that God did in and through our team. Just some things I just don't even have words for yet. I'm still processing, I'm still thinking on what I experienced and what I was able to be a part of as I led this team. It was incredible, you all, it was incredible. One of the things though that I think I was so struck with was these people's hunger and thirst for God. 
 
So what we are here for today, you guys, is to talk about our conclusion to the Love Is series. I'm so sad. I'm like, oh my gosh, this series has been so amazing. I have promoted the Love Is workbook. And if you don't have your copy, please go to http://realrelationship.com/loveis and get your copy today. This is the last time that we'll talk about the workbook 
Love Never Fails But People Do
Okay, on to our topic: Love never fails. Think about that statement, love never fails. So if you have been in a relationship with someone who has failed you, or maybe you have failed someone, then the question is, was it love that failed or was it you or that person that may have fallen in your expression of love? You see, I believe that when we look at what the Bible teaches about love, the Bible says God is love. And even for those who are not Christians, even for those who do not consider themselves to be believers, that scripture is pretty common. God is love. That means that at the core of who God is, that yes, God is good, and yes, God is powerful, and yes, God is holy, and yes, God is amazing. But at the core of who he is, he is love. He is the very essence of love. And so to know God is to know love. And to not know God is to not know love. As a matter of fact, it says in I John, chapter four, “the one who does not love does not know God because God is love.” So if you're a person and your love is very fickle, your love is conditional. You choose who you're going to love, when you're going to love, how you're going to love, how much you're going to love. Well, this scripture says, my friend, that you don't know God. 
 
God's love isn't fickle. His love isn't inconsistent. His love doesn't have conditions. As a matter of fact, it can be intimidating sometimes when we think about God's love, because we can't live like Him. We're not God. We're not perfect. But you know what we can do? We can choose to love in ways that are like Him. We can choose to love people who don't always love us in return. We could choose to love people who will never be able to give us anything in return. Why did I go to Tanzania? Was it because I wanted these people to give me something that I needed, whether it be finances or affirmations or accolades? No, I didn't want or expect anything from them. I simply went because I believe that God called me to go and because I wanted to just give them everything I had, anything that I had. That is what it means to love.
Unfailing Love Changes Us and the World
Think about a good parent who loves their baby. That baby can't do anything for you. As a matter of fact, that baby is going to keep you up at night. It's going to cry and scream when you need to go to work in the morning. It's going to refuse milk when you know that that is what the baby wants. I mean, the baby can't give you anything. The baby is not loving you. But because you love that child unconditionally, you will keep showing up night after night after night. You will keep trying to soothe that child. You will keep trying to provide for that child's needs because you love him or her. 
 
I wonder what the world would look like if we all showed up like that in our relationships, where we weren't loving people to get something from them, but we were just simply showing up to love them because we understood that love never fails. You see, our love shouldn't wax and wane. Our love should be consistent. We shouldn't love people based on their performance. I will love you until die. None of us ever gets married and says that in our marriage vows, right? None of us gets married and says, I will love you until . . .  Love doesn't depend on the performance of the one to whom it's given. Meaning, if you're going to love somebody, love them, regardless of what they can do for you. It isn't about how well they perform, how they float your boat, how they meet your needs, how they love you in return. If those qualifiers are present, my friend, your love is conditional and it will not last.
 
We have to become a people who truly learn how to love people, regardless of who they are, what they're doing, what they're not doing, how they're meeting our needs or not. It's easy for us to love people who are good to us. It's easy for us to love people who are kind to us, who show up for us, who are encouraging us, who support us, right? Who have our best interests at heart. It's easy to love folks like that. 
How to Love the Unloveables
But what about the people who don't show up for you? What about the people who don't encourage you? What about the people who don't even receive the love that you're trying to give to them? Or who are ungrateful? That stuff hurts, you guys. And I'm not brushing it aside and saying, well, just get over it and just love him anyway. No. Like, it hurts and we have to take a minute sometimes to be like, whoa, that's not what I expected here. But then what are you going to do? Are you going to let your love be conditional because their love is conditional?
 
Are you going to let your love be inconsistent because their love is inconsistent? Or are you going to show up and say, you know what? I'm going to choose to love you regardless of your performance. You see, I believe that we can't truly love without having the experience of God's love, not just the understanding of it, because a lot of us know in our minds that God is love and he's loving and he's kind and he's all of that. But so many of us have not experienced the love of God. We have not experienced it for ourselves. And so because we haven't experienced it, we can't give it. We still see God as this scary guy who as long as we're doing good, we're in his good graces. But the moment that we mess up, he wants to kind of kick us to the curb. 
 
Think about like a two year-old that knows that his parents love him regardless of what he does. So he can hit, he can bite, he can have a tantrum, he can do whatever he's going to do. But at the end of the day, when he's afraid, he runs into his mommy and daddy's room because he knows that's the place of his protection. That's how God wants us to see Him. Not as some scary God who's judging us for all the things that we're doing. Because if you have that viewpoint of God, then you're never going to draw near to Him. You're always going to stay away. I preached about this when I was in Tanzania, and I'm not going to get into it now because hello, bonus episode. But I will tell you this. If you've not experienced God's love, you're not going to be able to give God's love to people, and you're not going to be able to receive love from other people. You will always be a little bit suspicious. When people love you deeply, you'll always think, what do they want? They have something in mind. What's the catch? But people who are loved well love well. And people who are loved well know how to be loved well. 
Unconditional Love Heals Broken Hearts
If you are someone who you've been in relationships that have been unhealthy, that have been toxic, that have been inconsistent, maybe you've been betrayed, you've had your heart broken. My prayer for you, my friend, is that you would experience the healing power of God's love so that you can not only be a person of love, but so that you can also receive real love when it comes your Way. You see, I believe that when God is the source of your love and again, I'm not talking about just having an understanding of his love, but I'm talking about when he's truly the source of your love. And when you have that experiential knowledge and depth of his love, it will fuel you to love other people. That's the kind of love that doesn't fail. This is how you can still love people when they abuse you, misuse you, or even try to hurt you. Now.
 
There is a difference between loving somebody and being in proximity with that person. I've talked about this on other episodes. A lot of times I'll say there's a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. You can forgive someone and not be reconciled to them in a physical relationship. The same is true with love. You can love someone and not be in close proximity to that person. Maybe that person is not a safe person. Maybe that person is not someone that can be trusted. And so, therefore, you cannot be in proximity to them, but you can still keep your love on toward them. 
Keep Your Love On
Danny Silk wrote a book several years ago called Keep Your Love On. And he, likens love to a faucet. And he says that it is up to us whether we're going to turn the faucet on keeping our love on or whether we're going to turn the faucet off turning our love off. And that simple little analogy. You all was such an eye opener for me because I realized that in my relationships, I would turn the faucet on and off, depending on how the other person was acting. So if you were treating me good oh, man. We're going to have a full faucet here. Full of water pressure. I was going to turn my love on. I was going to go through all the hoops and the bells and the whistles, but the moment that that person started to treat me anything less than what I felt like I should be treated, off went the spigot. And I turned my love off. And I got to a point.
 
Going through that study with a group of married couples, Shaun and I leading these groups of married couples, I realized I don't want my love to be like that. That's easy love that's cheap love I wanted my love to remain on even when people were inconsistent with me. And y'all, I am challenged in this every single day, just like you are. And sometimes I fail the test and sometimes I pass. My goal isn't perfection. My goal is to choose to show up for people, regardless if they're showing up for me or not. My goal is to have a love that does not fail. A love that sands the test of time. A love that when people when I'm done loving these people, that they can look back and say, you know what? I didn't always treat Dana the way that she deserved to be treated. But she loved me, didn't she?
 
The Bible says that God is kind to the ungrateful. I've said that many times on the show, and it's true. And when we have that understanding of who God is and how he shows up for us, even though we don't always show up for Him, it humbles you. I know it humbles me because I can't give God a list of all of my accolades and all the wonderful things that I've always done. No, it's quite the opposite, actually, where I have a list of my flaws and my faults, and I'm like, God, why do you still love me? Why do you still bless me? Why do you still give me these incredible opportunities? Why do you give me influence? Why do you trust me? And he's like, because I love you. It's not because you're the greatest. It's not because you're the smartest. It's not because I couldn't choose anybody else. There's nobody else available. I just love you. It's just as simple as that.
You Have to Experience Love to Give Love
Some of you have never experienced God's love. You show up on this podcast. You listen to all these other podcasts. You're trying to figure out how to make your relationships work, and it's not working because you haven't experienced God's love. Can I encourage you to start there? If you don't have a relationship with God, would today be the day that you open your heart to Him and you say, god, there's a lot of junk in my heart. There's a lot of bad teaching, maybe philosophies that I believe that have gone against what I believe now about who you are. Don't worry about all that. God will clean all that stuff up. The only thing that he needs from you is a willing heart to invite Him in and to surrender your life to Him. And when you do that, he will show you things that you never could have imagined. Your relationships that have been struggling, some of y'all going around the same old Melbury tree for ten years, you will not have that struggle any longer. Once you get a taste of God's love for you, once you allow Him to love your spouse, your partner through you. You see, that's what I realized. That for me, when it was very difficult for me to love Shaun, it was because I was trying to love him the "Dana way." Well, the Dana way doesn't work, okay? I had to learn how to love him the God away. I had to learn how to go first, how to initiate some things, how to say I'm sorry, even though I needed an apology. I had to learn how to lay my life down and lay my desires down and stop keeping score and stop thinking about all of my needs that were not being met. I had to learn how to love the God way.
 
And I will tell you something that when I learned how to love the God way and I'm still working on it, you all, I am not an expert here. I am not on a high horse. But when I learned the difference, it made all the difference. People always ask us, what changed in your relationship? What was the thing that took you guys from this horrible adulterous relationship to where you are today? And Shaun and I have both tried to think of, like, a real quick response and answer something that sounds like profound, but the truth is, you all, we just decided to do things God's way. That's it. We just decided to stop trying to do things our own way because our way wasn't working. And maybe you're looking at the shards of your relationship and you're starting to have an understanding of revelation that your way isn't working. Listen, friend, there's no shame in that. Don't feel bad or guilty about that. Praise God, you've seen the lights. Now the question is, what are you going to do about it?
 
Are you going to keep on trying to love in your own conditional, inconsistent way, tit for tat? Or are you going to choose this love that never fails, this love that doesn't end, this love that isn't based on conditions or performance, that's the love that never fails. That's the love that we're after. And every episode that you're going to hear on the Real Relationship Talk podcast is going to be talking about that kind of love. Am I not going to talk about things that you need to do and tips and tricks that you need in your relationship? Absolutely. Because we all need that. But the tips and the tricks and the tools only work if you have first surrendered to unconditional love. That never fails. That's the only way it works. You all, you can keep on trying to do this in your own strength. You can keep on putting the bandaid on, you can keep on going from one relationship to the next to the next to the next. Think that's the next person. That's going to be the magic pill. But at some point, you're going to have to come face to face with, am I going to receive this love that God has for me? Am I going to first receive it for myself? And then, am I going to give it to those people that God has placed in my life? When you do that, everything's going to change for you. Maybe you have an incredible relationship, an incredible marriage. Keep it up. 
Don't Allow Your Love to Fail
Don't let your love wax and wane. Don't let it fail, y'all. We're going to go through seasons in our lives and seasons and relationships. Relationships have seasons. You're not always going to be up. There are hills and there are valleys, but when you go through the valley, you have to keep your love on. As hard as it is, I'm still tempted to turn my love off because it's a protection, it's a self-preservation mechanism. That's what it is. So when we turn our love off, we feel like we're protecting ourselves from getting hurt. But the truth of the matter is we're actually just closing ourselves off. It doesn't protect us at all because we still get hurt and then we become bitter. And then that bitterness leads to resentment, and resentment left undetected and unhealed, turns into hatred, which is absolutely the opposite of what we're going for here. One of my favorite scriptures is out of Romans 8:38, 39, “For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.”
 
Being a Christian isn't about belonging to a specific church or a denomination or wearing dresses or home schooling your children. That's not what being a Christian is all about. Being a Christian is about experiencing and surrendering to the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, that he gave his very life for you, that he died a cruel, cruel death so that you wouldn't have to. And it's just simply saying, I receive that love now. I want to give that love. I want to be conformed into your image. I want to spend the rest of my life learning how to be like you God. That's what being a Christian is. And I'm sorry for the many Christians who have messed it up and who have treated people way less than what God would ever treat someone as who have given the word Christian a bad reputation and a bad name. But I want to tell you something. Don't judge God by his children, okay? Because some of them are illegitimate anyway, but even the legitimate ones who get it wrong, don't judge God by them. That's not who he is. When you experience his love, you'll know, and you'll be forever changed and so will your relationships.
 
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
How to Forgive Someone Who's Hurt You
Keep Your Love On Book by Danny Silk
The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
 
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Love Rejoices with the Truth (Love Is... Series)

Love Rejoices with the Truth (Love Is... Series)
We are talking about truth today, but many people want to know what truth is. Love rejoices with truth. I’m here to tell you first hand that understanding the truth can be difficult, especially when it comes to the truth about love. Truth affects our marriages and relationships, but I believe that it also affects every other aspect of our lives. We can discover truth from the word of God by listening, reading, and understanding what God’s heart is for us. In today’s episode, we dive into what truth really is, what may be preventing you from seeing the truth, and how to live a life full of truth and love. 
What is Real Truth?
1 Corinthians 13:6-7 says, “Love rejoices with truth.” That is a very simple, yet complicated scripture. Love rejoices with truth, but what is truth? Truth is not something that we get to create based on our culture, experiences, or preferences. Truth is a matter of fact. There are some things that are true, and some things that are not. God is the author of truth and the Source of love. It is possible to have truth and love at the same time, although sometimes, the truth can hurt. In your relationships, you can speak truth and also be speaking love.
Sometimes in relationships, your partner could be saying something that's true, but due to your own personal wounds, it could cause hurt. Your friends, family, and partner may want to express truth to you, not to embarrass or criticize, but to show you they truly love you and they care. You have to accept and expect for people close to you to want to express the truth and about you and welcome it with love. 
 
The Truth Sometimes Hurts
Do you remember a time when someone told you something about yourself that you didn’t want to believe? You may have felt a knee jerk reaction to be upset or deny what they said. Sometimes the truth about ourselves can trigger us because we don’t want to seem like flawed individuals. People who love us and have the best intentions for us will speak truth in a loving way for our growth as humans. Love rejoices in truth. When you find people in your life who are willing to step out there to tell you the truth by God's grace, that's love. It is helpful to surround yourself with people who will speak the truth to you in love. People that love you will help guide the way. It doesn’t always feel good, but sometimes things need to be said. It’s our personal job to not take truth as criticism, but to hear truth as is it. It sometimes can feel like tough love, but at the end of the day, it’s love.
 
Speak the Truth in Relationships . . . in Love
Healthy relationships are not relationships that avoid conflict. Healthy relationships are measured by how quickly you recover from conflict. When you think of your relationship, do you feel conflict consumes the majority of your relationships? If you answered yes to that question, you may need to look at how truthful and loving you and your partner are being.
Healthy relationship are ones where love rejoices with truth. It’s about being grateful to your partner for having the ability to be truthful to you about things and accepting you for who you truly are. Hopefully, you can have a relationship where you both recognize the truth about one another, imperfections and all, and still stand by each other. It can be challenging to speak the honest truth in relationships, but sometimes partners need to hear it. We all have blindspots that we don’t see about ourselves, but our partners love us enough to speak up and communicate things that we may not see about ourselves.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
5 Guidelines to Speaking the Truth in Love 
7 Tips to Become a Better Listener
 
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Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs (Love Is... Series) - with Dr. J. Calvin Tibbs

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs (Love Is... Series) - with Dr. J. Calvin Tibbs
Friends, love is not easy. We are all flawed humans and mess up from time to time. The truth is, love doesn’t keep score. Why do we keep records of wrong doings? Sometimes, it can be a form of protecting ourselves. In today’s episode, I had the honor of speaking to Dr. J. Calvin Tibbs. Dr. Tibbs is the senior pastor at Kingdom Dominion Church in Georgia. Today we talk about how we can let love win, start forgiving, all the while letting go of keeping score.
 
Stop Holding Anger and Forgive
We often hold on to bitterness, resentment and anger while trying to keep score in relationships. This is no way to love our partners. Again, love doesn’t keep score. We are conditioned, as humans, to hold on to anger. This learned behavior closes us off to fully love our partners the way God intended us to love them. When we hold in anger, it can build up, causing more tension and pain in the relationship. It is so important for couples in relationships to be able to communicate freely and let their partner in when something may be bothering them. When we stop our anger from building up, we allow our partners to get closer to understanding where our real pain may be stemming from. When we step out of anger and begin to forgive quickly, it allows us to move through the healing process more efficiently. 
 
Stop Keeping Score
So many people are operating relationships in autopilot. When we wake up and realize we are doing something wrong, we need to also give grace to our partner and give space to forgive. Each partner needs their own time to heal. When an issue arises in a relationship, it can be difficult to move on when one partner continues to keep score. Couples need to realize that they are on the same team. Some couples feel that keeping score allows them to have justice for the wrongdoings. They use justification for the way they may treat their partner because they feel like they have one up on them, but love doesn’t keep record of wrongs. Sacrifice is needed in every single relationship. When you are able to love your partner in their imperfections, you can give them grace and love for the mistakes that they make.
 
Serve Your Spouse Without Expectations
Couples can transform their relationships by serving each other to the best of their abilities. When you let go of the need to receive and simply give love freely, you will see the blessings unfold. Each partner who gives their love without expectations will nourish something beautiful in their relationship. Dr. Tibbs said each partner should ask themselves, “Why am I here?” When partners realize that they are here to serve God as well as their spouse, they can fully understand their purpose. When couples can slow down in the relationship and understand where the resistance is coming from, it can give them direction on where to go. When you seek God in the pursuit of your relationship, love keeps no record of wrongs.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Calvin Tibbs Inc: Dr. Tibbs’s Website and Coaching
A Man Made For Marriage: Dr. Tibbs’s Book
The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships  
 
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Love Is Not Easily Angered (Love Is... Series)

Love Is Not Easily Angered (Love Is... Series)
Are you someone who is easily angered? Or, maybe, you are in a relationship with someone who is. Either way, this episode is going to be very beneficial for you. Today we are talking about the damages of anger in relationships and how anger, a natural emotion, can sometimes get the best of us. I know it can be a very difficult thing to deal with someone who is always angry.
Love is not easily angered. If we are going to be people of love, we are going to be people who need to address our anger issues. Struggling with anger in marriages and relationships can be very shameful at times, so it’s important to understand why we get angry. What is anger? Can anger ever be beneficial? If so, how?
 
Anger is a Cover-Up
Anger is always a secondary emotion. When you get angry, what is the first emotion you feel? For me, it’s usually fear or feeling out of control. Anger is often triggered when you are feeling emotions of disrespect. This can often show up in families when you ask your children to do something and they don’t listen. When feelings of anger arise in you, it is possible to slow down and try to understand where that emotion is coming from. Instead of jumping to anger and lashing out, you can choose to slow down and recognize that maybe you are feeling hurt or upset.
Angry outbursts are a true sign that there is some healing that needs to be done. Anger is a light that shows you that you need to start owning your own true emotions and communicating your needs. Ask yourself What is this anger covering up? What am I really feeling? Then deal with those emotions.
 
Be Slow to Anger 
James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Oftentimes when we lash out in anger, we aren’t listening for the other person's perspective. When we lash out in anger, our mouths are running faster than our brains can catch up. This is why when we are angry, we often say things we don’t mean. 
When you are slow to speak, it will keep you from saying things in anger that you don’t mean. We are all going to experience anger at times, but it’s our choice to choose what we do with that anger. We get to choose if we are going to lash out or exercise self control. We get to choose if we are going to blame others for the way we feel, or reflect on our of actions and how we may be affecting the situation. 
 
A Soft Answer Turns Away Wrath
I used to really struggle with anger. When I would get in my angry outbursts, the worst thing someone could do was to lash back. Typically, when you meet an angry person with the same energy, it will build the tension and anger in the air. The Bible says, in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” This doesn’t mean that you diminish yourself or allow people to abuse you. When you answer someone with a soft answer, and they are angry, it can be disorienting. Because when someone is in a volatile state, raging, and angry, and someone responds in a genuine, soft, respectful way, it’s almost discombobulating for the angry person. This can ease the tension and de-escalate the situation.
 
Healing from Anger
It’s easy to be angry, it’s much harder to say how you feel. We do not have to be controlled by anger. Anger doesn’t have to define who you are. Anger doesn't have to be something that you live in shame with for the rest of your life. The best thing I’ve done in my life is to expose the things I’ve struggled with. By bringing to light the pain that anger caused in my life, and taking responsibility for my actions without blaming anyone else, I was able to heal from anger and learn new ways to deal with my emotions. And, so can you, friend.
 
Other Helpful Resources 
How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse 
Control Anger Before It Controls You 
Connect with Me on Instagram @mrsdanache or @realrelationshiptalk .
 
 
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Love Is Not Demanding (Love Is... Series) - with Dr. Mike Frazier

Love is Not Demanding (Love Is... Series) - with Dr. Mike Frazier
We have a lot to learn about love. One key aspect is love is not demanding. Most relationship and marriage advice focuses on how women can make their relationships better but today it's about the men. I talk to Mike Frazier about how men can show up better in their relationships. Mike Frazier, M.D., is the founder of Strong Men Strong Marriages. He is a licensed psychologist and marriage coach dedicated to helping couples achieve the relationships they want and deserve.
 
Give Without Expectations
We can often get caught up in competition when it comes to marriage and relationships. Sometimes, partners enter into a cycle where they think I did this for you, now you owe me something back. Mike says, “I call it the mosquito mentality , because you're trying to suck off the attention and approval of your partner.” Typically, individuals will serve their partner in the beginning of the relationship and do the things their spouse or partner wants, but eventually a partner will want something back for their “service.” Often, in marriage, couples begin to keep score and wait for their partner to return favors in order to provide them with more. 
Mike shares most guys have the same basic expectations: attention, affection, appreciation, and sex. Ladies, take note. Typically, a man will love you in order to receive these things in return. While that’s not wrong, love is not demanding, so what happens when those expectations are not fulfilled?
 
Becoming More Attractive in Your Marriage 
As time goes on, the spark can fade and the attraction can die down in a marriage. That doesn’t have to be the road you go down if you desire a marriage and relationship full of passion, attraction, and love. Typically this determent in attraction comes from a wife not getting her needs met and/or a husband feeling resentful. When resentment and negative thoughts and feelings arise in a partner, it’s important couples come together and communicate. 
Mike said, “It’s about generating feeling states and intentions that are attractive. Really trying to live in the fruits of the spirit. Love, patience, peace, self control.” When partners can learn to switch their thoughts and feelings and find gratitude and love for their partner, the attraction will again become ignited. It’s also important that each person in the relationship is able to look at themselves and see how they view themselves. If you think negative thoughts about yourself, it’s possible that you will project that onto your partner as well which is not attractive.
 
Just Ask for What You Want
Resentment can come from men not getting what they want in their marriage or relationship. But in order to get what they want, they must ask. For men, asking what they want can be difficult. Mike said that there are three things that get in the way of men asking for what they want. The first thing being that men aren’t clear on what they want. Sometimes men in relationships desire something but they aren’t exactly sure what that is or how to receive it. They also are often afraid they are going to get turned down (fear of rejection). This can be one of the preventing factors for men asking what they want, because if they risk being vulnerable, and being turned down, that can hurt them. Lastly, men sometimes don’t ask for what they want because they are trying to control their partner's emotions. Because they don’t want to inconvenience their partner, they beat around the bush and don’t just straight communicate what their need is and where they may need support. 
 
But First Get Clear on What You Want
In many marriages and relationships, one partner may want something from their partner and use different tactics and situations to force their partner into doing something they want. This is a form of manipulation that couples use to get what they want. They are looking for an outcome, but aren’t actually getting to the root of the need. The first thing that they should do is get clear on what they really want. 
Simply communicate what you want and give the reason why you want that thing. This allows your partner to understand why that thing may be so important to you. Mike says, “When you give a reason for your request, there’s something about it that makes us more likely to want to do it for the other person.” This is an exercise for both partners because the person asking must get clear on what they want and communicate why they may need that. This is where boundaries come in. Each partner has the opportunity to withstand their boundaries based on the asks and requests in the marriage. 
There’s so much more in this episode. Be sure to listen to the full episode and learn how love is not demanding.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Mike's Website
Strong Men Strong Marriages Podcast
Episode mentioned about Comparison in Marriage
 
 
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Love Is Not Proud or Passive (Love Is... Series) - with Chris and Jamie Bailey

Love is Not Proud or Passive (Love Is… Series) - with Chris and Jamie Bailey
Continuing with the Love is series, I had the honor of chatting with Christian marriage counselors Chris and Jamie Bailey of Expedition Marriage. Chris and Jamie have been married over 27 years, but their journey hasn’t always been easy. In today’s conversation we talk about taking responsibility for your baggage. If we are always looking at our spouse as the problem, it will cause friction in our marriages and relationships. This doesn’t allow us to love freely and be fully supported in our partnerships. We go on to discuss how love is not proud or passive. They are two opposite extremes that show up in a lot of marriages.
Pride destroys, and passivity can cause resentment in our marriages. The solution is that we must learn to allow each other’s voice to be heard without resorting to either extreme. 
 
How to Support and not Compete 
It’s important for couples to understand the amount of refinement that comes with marriage. It takes work y’all! It is a learned skill to learn how to support and encourage each other without competing with each other. Jamie said, “I learned that my job and my success is helping him become what God created him to be. Success looks different in marriage. It’s the goal of becoming one and looking out for each other. When you bring pride into that, it’s one looking out for themselves.”
It feels so good when we can support our partners fully and help them become a better person and better partner. Chris said,“Next to God, your partner should be your most impactful resource. When you are able to be there and support your partner, you can celebrate your wins together.” That’s what it means to support one another without competing. 
 
Self-Protection vs Vulnerability in Marriage
Many couples are dealing with a fear of disconnection. At times, we are afraid of our emotions and how these emotions will affect our partners. Often, we quiet ourselves in order to keep the peace, but this quieting can cause bigger issues down the road. Jamie said, “It’s not peace making; it’s ’peace faking.’” 
Chris added, “It’s fear of disconnection, fear of losing the relationship, fear of I am not enough as I am. If she knew my real answers, I wouldn’t be enough, and now I'm vulnerable. It takes vulnerability to speak your truth and puts you in a situation where loss could happen.” Men like to feel strong and have their protective barrier even though that protection may not always be giving the desired outcome. 
 
Pride vs Passivity
It’s interesting how we are contrasting pride and passivity. Love is not proud but neither is love passive. Many men fall into passivity trying to appease their wives. But strong women need (and want!) strong men. Strong women want a man who can lead without being proud or arrogant but also one who will listen, support, and build with her. Chris talked about how he was raised in a house where his father leaned more toward passivity than pride. For some men with similar experiences, this can make them passive as well. Neither extremes are helpful. 
 
Doormat or Jerk
Chris said, “Many men think they only have two choices: being a doormat or being a jerk.” Men think, if I stand up and push back, that will come across as being a jerk. Sometimes men think it’s either one or the other. You're either falling in the tracks of toxic masculinity or you're a doormat. The beautiful thing about marriage and relationships is that it does not have to be one or the other with healthy communication. Love is not proud or passive. It’s about finding the middle ground to make your marriage or relationships flow easily. When one partner feels as if their voice isn’t being heard, it can cause resentment, control, and domination. 
 
Both Partners Matter in Marriage
Both people should have the ability to show up fully as they are and allow each other the opportunity to manage their emotions. We need to feel confident in showing up as ourselves and knowing and believing that our partner will accept us the way that we are. It takes work and healing in the marriage to get to that point, but it’s possible. When you see yourself on the same team, rather than as competition, you are able to work together and have a beautiful and successful marriage.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Expedition Marriage
Not Your Average Man Podcast
Get Your Love Is...Workbook!
 
 
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Love Is Not Jealous or Envious Either (Love Is . . . Series)

Love is Not Jealous or Envious Either
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who’s jealous? Jealousy is like a cancer to a relationship. Thankfully, there is a cure to jealousy. Before we talk about the cure to jealousy, we first have to talk about what are the root causes. Jealousy comes from 3 things; Insecurity, lack of trust, and fear. If we are going to be people in secure relationships, we need to have the ability to be aware of how these things may be causing jealousy in our relationships and marriages. 
 
Jealousy. Normal or Nah?
Feeling some jealousy from time to time is a normal feeling in a relationship or marriage. I believe in most healthy relationships, a bit of jealousy should be present. Imagine if you saw your spouse flirt with another person, yet you felt no jealousy concerning their actions. Think about why you don’t feel any jealousy or envy. In that scenario, your devotion to your partner would be questionable. When we feel threatened or when we feel our love being threatened, the feelings of jealousy are evoked. We can have a healthy relationship with jealousy but if there are consistent or habitual feelings of jealousy, you have a problem. Jealousy, when not misused or abused,  is a sign that you care deeply about your relationship and you are willing to do anything to protect it. 
 
Insecurity: The Root Cause of Jealousy
I believe the number one thing that causes jealousy is insecurity. Typically you don’t feel secure in yourself or your relationship. When this insecurity pops up, you try to hold on too tightly to the relationship. This is a vicious cycle because most healthy people don’t want to be constrained and controlled. When jealousy pops up in a relationship, the other partner typically feels like they are walking on egg shells and has to watch out for every little thing they do. The jealous partner will often become triggered by every little thing, causing them to hold on tighter and try to keep things in their control. This all stems from insecurity.
Lack of confidence and security can often cause this type of jealousy in a relationship. The triggered jealousy may not even come from something that happened in the relationship, but something that caused the insecurity prior to the relationship forming. You can’t ever make an insecure person secure. They need to do the work on themselves to heal this.
 
A Lack of Trust Triggers Jealousy
If there has been trust issues or past cheating in the relationship, you will typically see jealously flair up in a relationship. It’s important that each partner is able to heal if there was lack of trust in the past. If the healing did not happen, the problems will consist in the relationship. You can’t just simply forget infidelity happened; you have to be relentless and intentional to destroy the toot and its effects if that’s the case.
 
Fear Feeds Jealousy
Fear is similar to insecurity and can show up in many ways in relationships. Oftentimes, people are afraid of losing the relationship and being alone. Fearful thoughts then become jealous thoughts. Some spouses fear not being fully loved by their partner. The fear of not having full commitment can cause partners to spiral and be overcome with jealousy. This fear can cause people to unintentionally sabotage the relationship. Fear has been called False Evidence Appearing Real. This is exactly what happens in jealous relationships. 
 
How To Cure Chronic Jealousy
There is a cure to jealous relationships. We need to start getting real with our insecurities. This starts with going inward and understanding things that you are struggling with in yourself. Oftentimes, we project our insecurities onto other people. Don’t do this. Self-awareness is key when it comes to overcoming insecurities. You can start by recognizing an insecure thought and redirect that thought to love and empathy. Change your thoughts and begin to think about the good qualities you have. 
Next, look and probe your relationship for breaches of trust. There are times when you are simply discerning something that you need to pay attention to. It’s one thing to be aware of how your discernment may be watching over to protect your relationship, but it’s another if this discernment becomes obsessive and controlling. 
Last, be willing to deal with the fears that are controlling and sabotaging your relationship. We often have fears that pop up in our marriage that makes us jealous. We need to get real with these fears that pop up that cause us to think our partners will leave the relationship. Returning to love will help with overcoming fears.
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Get Your Copy of the Love Is Workbook
12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship
The Hidden Fears that are Ruining Your Relationships
 
 
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Love Is Kind. But Are You? (Love Is . . . Series) - with Anne Visser

Love is Kind.  But Are You? (Love Is… Series) - with Anne Visser
 
I was reading an article last year about when a mutual friend set up Prince Harry and Megan Markle on a blind date.   Megan says she had only question in mind: "Is he kind?" Love is kind, so let's talk about kindness. We’ve seen the t-shirts, we’ve used the hashtags, but how important is kindness to a relationship? Or to a marriage for that matter? To be honest, ya’ll, I wouldn’t rate kindness as one of my top attributes.   I mean, I’m not mean, but it’s just that there are so many other qualities that rank more important to me than kindness.  Like responsible.  Dependable.   Faithful.  Heck, even a sense of humor.   But the more I think about it, I realize being in a relationship with someone who isn’t kind is kinda rough. 
 
What do you think about when you think of the word kindness? For some reason, Barney comes to my mind.   He’s always smiling.   He never seems to have a bad day.   He’s forever optimistic.   And Barney loves everyone. Kindness is usually synonymous with gentleness.   Therefore, many men don’t readily identify with this word.   Can you be tough and kind? Can you have swag and be kind? Cool and kind? Or do you need to act like Barney? I think kindness is more about a heart expression than a facial expression.   Kindness is more than just being nice.  It’s compassionate, selfless, and its very definition is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.   Kindness is putting others first.   And you can do all of that without smiling. 
 
In Ephesians 4:32, Paul instructs Christians to be kind to one another.   Tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God, for Christ’s sake, forgives us.   Elsewhere, in Galatians, we see that kindness is a fruit of the Spirit…basically it’s one of the evidences of God’s spirit in you… or not. We all know about those mean ol’ church ladies, right? 
 
Random Acts of Kindness
I’ve been the recipient of random acts of kindness more times than I can count.   Several years ago, after a long and stressful day of non-stop sports, I pulled my weary self into the Chick-fil-A drive through.   I knew it would be the cashier's pleasure to serve me, or at least that's what they always say, I mean kindness is literally written all over their employee handbook.   But what I didn't expect is the person in front of me to pay for my whole ticket.   Do ya'll know how expensive Chick-Fil-A is for a family of six? You might at well go sit down somewhere at a restaurant.  
 
Another time at Starbucks after ordering an especially sugary drink and battling shame as I inched my way through the drive-through.   Again, someone, a complete stranger, paid for my drink.   FYI: I haven’t battled shame in the Starbucks line ever since. Kindness literally destroys shame.   Ooohhh... 
 
Hesed: the Biblical Definition of Kindness
Kindness is a theme all throughout Scripture.   God extends us kindness through giving us grace and mercy.   Jesus modeled kindness by caring for the poor, lifting up women in a hyper-mysoginistic culture.   From the patriarch, Abraham, who showed hospitality to strangers (who just happened to be angels), to the prostitute, Rahab who hid the Israelite warriors from her own people who were trying to kill them, and the prophet Hosea, who married a wayward prostitute and kept pursuing her while she was pursuing other men, all of these people extended kindness without expecting anything in return.   But ya’ll know what, when you do something kind without expecting anything in return, God has a way of returning it back to you. 
 
There’s this really beautiful Hebrew word Hesed that shows up in the Bible.   Hesed means loyal love, faithful devotion and unfailing kindness.   Sounds just like God to me.   But did you know we are called to show hesed in our marriages and relationships? Loyalty, faithful devotion, unfailing kindness.   These are all action-oriented nouns. Hesed is kindness rooted in love. So we know kindness is good for us spirit, but can talk about science for a bit? 
 
How Kindness Affects our Physical Bodies
Did you know that according to Mayo Clinic Health, being kind boosts serotonin and dopamine, which are neurotransmitters in the brain that give you feelings of satisfaction and well-being, and cause the pleasure/reward centers in your brain to light up? Endorphins, which are your body's natural pain killer, also can be released just be practicing kindness.   So hesed is good for your physical health too!  Being kind just feels good.   
 
How to be Kind in Marriage & Relationships
I think one of the most obvious ways we can show hesed is in how we communicate, specifically how we talk to those we’re in relationship with.   When I was a kid, my sister and I would mock my mom’s telephone voice, you know you made fun of your mom too.   You know the voice I’m talking about? That super nice, cheerful, proper voice (hello) my mom would answer the phone after she just got finished yelling at my sister and me for not cleaning our rooms. Well, much to my dismay, my own kids joke my podcast voice! Ya’ll, I don’t have a podcast voice. Really what they’re saying is my tone with them is lacking the same sweetness I obviously have with my listeners. 
 
But let’s talk about marriage for a bit.   This is a marriage podcast after all.   We all have a tendency to take our spouses for granted.   Think of the last conversation you had with your spouse.   If you were to be rated on a scale from 1-10 on how kind that conversation was, how would you score? Think about when you were dating vs your conversations now.   Remember how you’d be so excited to talk to each other on the phone or you’d get that tingling feeling deep in your stomach when you saw your future mate had emailed, texted, or reached out to you on social.   
 
Now, that you’re married, how often do you think of kindness in your conversations? No judgment here, you guys.   I, too, am guilty as charged.   And that’s why our guest today is here.   She is going to help us learn to communicate more kindly. I invited Anne Visser, who is a life coach, and also a certified John Maxwell coach, speaker & trainer.   With her husband, Melis, of 42 years, they co-founded 4 Better 4 Ever, which seeks to help Christian women learn to communicate clearly and confidently. Anne is going to chime in on this conversation we're already having on Kind communication.  
 
Kind Communication in Marriage & Relationships
Communication is key in relationships. Anne shares how couples can improve their communication, and in turn, improve their relationships. Through healthy communication, we can all learn to give a little more love to the people around us, while building thriving relationships. Anne shares meaningful ways that we can open ourselves up to love through vulnerability, kindness, and patience.
Being vulnerable is never easy, but it is worth it. When we take the chance to get vulnerable with our partners, it allows us to enter a space where we can speak freely from our heart, in a safe space. Anne said of kind communication, “It was a shift in Melis’s and my mindset and a shift in the way we communicated.” When Anne and her husband created vulnerability in their marriage, they regained hope in their marriage. Through deep, heart-opening conversations, Anne and her husband were able to overcome strife and regain the love they desired.
Conflict will arise in relationships at some point and understanding and communicating your needs is crucial for creating resolution. Anne said, “Conflict is the doorway to intimacy. Into me you see.” When conflict is revealed, it allows you to understand and grow closer by working as a team to overcome the problem. When conflict is fixed with vulnerability, it allows both partners to be heard and seen through the eyes of love.
 
God is Kind and So Can You Be
When we are at the end of our rope it’s important that we can always return to kindness. God is such a pure example of what love and kindness looks like. Kindness shows up in our thoughts first, then it shows up in our words. Anne said, “Kindness to me is being honest with myself. Kindness is being kind to myself and recognizing my humanness and recognizing when I am depleted. Kindness starts with being kind with me.”
All kindness starts from within. That’s why when we practice patience and kindness with ourselves, it makes it easier to practice that with others people in our lives. When you have love in your heart for yourself and God, that love becomes contagious and spreads like wildfire. When we create kindness in our lives, it creates a positive experience for us and the kindness can radiate into other people’s lives. Kindness is contagious.
 
Creating Healthy Communication in Your Marriage
Sometimes in relationships, we have things that we want to say, but we don’t always express ourselves in the most efficient way. A lot of times, our emotions get the best of us and we become irrational and say things we didn’t mean. When we practice patiences and kindness, it allows us to shift the way we handle conflict. Anne gives her clients a tip to help with this. It’s called The Three C’s - Check Emotions, Communicate and Clarify, and Create Resolution. When we have something weighing us down it’s important to check in with our emotions. Slow down and check in on how you’re feeling.
When we are triggered, emotions will run high causing irrational responses. Once we are able to recognize that, we can slow down to communicate and clarify our needs. This will help with creating understanding and creating resolution with our partners. Often times, in relationships, we think we are going to war with our partner. When we shift our thinking, and realize that our partners are on the same team as us, it allows us to create more love and empathy. When you give your partner the same kindness, grace, and love that you want to receive, it creates healthier communication in the partnership.
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Learn more about Anne's Work Here. 
Anne’s 7-Day Communication Challenge
Get Your Copy of My New Workbook: Love Is . . .
 
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Love Is Patient and #WorthTheWait (Love Is... Series) - with J and Ginger Simpson

 
Love is Patient and #WorthTheWait - with J and Ginger Simpson
 
On today’s episode, I had the privilege to host J and Ginger Simpson for our Love Is . . . series. In this conversation we talk about growing love with patience and faith. It’s clear how much love J and Ginger truly have for each other, but it was a long journey of trusting God to get to that point. Throughout their relationship, they both spent long days and nights waiting on God and his ultimate timing to bring them together. Through trust in God, healing, patience, and waiting, God presented them with the gift of love to cherish and grow together as a married couple. 
 
Patience Paves the Road to Love 
For J and Ginger, things weren't always easy but they both practiced patience as their relationship and marriage was developed. J found himself in a deep-knowing that Ginger was the person he was meant to be with. He trusted in God to believe when the time was right, it would come.  J said “I just believed that this is my wife. Patience is the partner of faith. When you walk by faith and put on patience while you’re waiting, you are doing the will of God.” It was a long road of trusting in the plan that God had for them, but eventually J popped the question and Ginger said YES!
 
Stay in Faith and Do Not Waiver
But things got rocky when Ginger abruptly called off the engagement. It was time for J to wait yet again. While he waited on Ginger to come around, he admitted to “getting in the flesh.” At times, he was tested but he remembered with faith, God will deliver. J said “Most people say they're in faith, but they don’t understand that faith is a process and the results are progressive.” He soon came to realize that in order to get the love he truly wanted, he must trust in God and that his path would soon be revealed. He believed that as long as he was consistent, the outcome of his faith would be rewarded. J carried patience throughout this entire journey, deeply knowing that God would send him what he needed, when he was ready. God is faithful, and when you trust in God, divine timing will deliver.
 
How Healing & Patience Ready Us for Love
Ginger’s journey to marriage came through a different set of struggles. She wanted to ensure that she was ready to step into the love and marriage that she and J truly deserved. Ginger said “I did not want to hurt someone who had been so good to me.” She knew that J was right for her, but she didn’t want to rush into something that she didn’t feel fully ready for. Ginger said “If I would have moved forward with the spirit of rejection and abandonment [that she carried], I don’t know if we would be married right now.” Ginger spent nine years waiting for a husband. She had to trust in God’s plan that when she felt ready, there would be a sign.  But God was at work, restoring Ginger and making her ready for the love that was waiting for her. The waiting was never easy for this couple, but it was well worth it for the love they are living.
 
The Waiting Game of Love
We can’t talk about patience without talking about waiting. When we pray for things, we expect results right away. In waiting, we are able to grow appreciation about the things we are hoping to receive. When we take our eyes off the goal and focus our eyes on trusting in God’s plan, all will fall into line. Ginger quoted the scripture “Don’t grow weary in well-doing, because in due time the harvest will come” (Galatians 6:9). The key with waiting is trusting in the plan that God has for you. Satan will try to make you grow weary, but with consistent faith, your prayers will be answered. During the waiting time, it’s about practicing patience. Patience is not about sitting back and doing nothing, it’s about doing more. More prayer, more faith, and more serving. When you throw yourself into serving God during the waiting period, the wait won’t seem like the wait. The gifts will be abundant as you practice patience and faith while waiting for God to deliver. So remember, patience is not passive. It’s active. Stay in hope as you allow love to be patient in your life and relationships. 
 
 
Other Helpful Resources Related to this Episode
Visit J and Ginger’s Website : The Restored Woman
5 Principles to Waiting in Hope
Purchase Your copy of my newest workbook - Love Is . . .
 
 
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What Is Love Truly? (Love Is . . . Series) - with Kim Sorrelle

What is Love Truly?
Love is in the air! On today’s episode, I was joined by the lovely Kim Sorrelle. Kim is a writer, speaker, entrepreneur, and so much more. In this conversation we talk about what love truly is, learning how to love, and giving love freely without expectations of something in return. Kim helps people discover what the true meaning of love is through her work. Love is the most beautiful gift we have, and when we learn to share that gift, the love will be abundant. 
 
The "Feeling" of Love
Love is such a complex topic to talk about. It’s something we all strive to have in life. When hard times strike, love is there to pick us back up and lift us to strength. Kim said, “Love is the ultimate freedom. There is nothing freer than walking in love.” Real, true, love isn’t about fixing people, or judging people, it’s about showing up whole-heartedly with kindness, compassion, and empathy. 1 John 4 says, “We love because we have first been loved,” and this is key for us to remember: when we have an understanding of God’s love for us, we can love others. Thus, love has no boundaries.
 
Learning How to Love
In order to give love, you must be able to receive love. Kim said “Love is universal.” We all are put on this earth to love and be loved. When you learn to give love unconditionally then the receiving of love will come naturally. Often times, we learn how to love through our family and how we were raised as children. As we watched our parents express what love was, we inherited their version of love and carried that with us as kids and into adulthood. Kim says, “You live what you learned.” As adults, it’s our job to learn what love means to us, despite what we may have learned from our parents. We have the opportunity to overcome things that prohibit us from loving and learning how to love. We have the freedom to create unconditional love in our lives without restriction. 
 
Giving Love Without Conditions
When we are craving love, we need to look at how we are giving love. Do you give love only to receive something back? Expressing the emotion of love is most powerful when there is no need to receive anything in return. When you give love to people without the need to receive it back, that is unconditional love. 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a  says “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast.” This is about honoring yourself and providing love to people who really need love in that moment. When we stop focusing on receiving something back, we can show up fully in love and help others be seen. Kim said, “Being patient is when you actually hear what people have to say, you stop and listen without having your rebuttal to go, and actually listen to them.” When you take a moment to see a human being and hear their story, that’s when the love will naturally be ignited. 
 
Love Does Not Keep Score
Some people see love as, “Because I did this for you, you need to do that for me.” Love is not about keeping score. Love is about giving freely the love that you have. When you give your love freely without keeping score, it will give back to you in abundance. Kim said “Love is what you do, love is something you are, that you give, that you live. Then there’s no score keeping.” Giving love is self-serving because when you give more, you will receive it back naturally. Scorekeeping can often show up in our marriage. In those moments we need to remember to practice patiences and grace, giving our partner the love they need in that moment. When we learn to tap into the love inside our hearts, through the guidance of God, all will prevail. 
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Visit Kim’s Website : Kim's Website
Get my Love Is… Workbook! 
 
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Hot and Holy Sex - with Spiced Wife Ashlyn Watkins

Hot and Holy Sex -  with Spiced Wife Ashlyn Watkins
 
Ashlyn Watkins, host of the Spiced Wife podcast is here to help us understand that our sex lives can be both hot and holy. Spiced Wife is a ministry that brings Christian wives together in reaching their full potential of being a holy and sexy wife. Married sex is a topic that not a lot of people in the Christian space are talking about and if they do talk about it, it's a very sanitized, hush-hush topic. But we need to talk about this topic and to be honest. I feel like people have real questions and real concerns, and they deserve real answers. 
 
Discovering the Path to Spiced Wife
I asked Ashlyn what interested her in helping Christian women help to make their marriages hot and holy. “I can honestly say that I was provoked to passion,” Ashlyn says. “The pain in my life provoked me to Jesus, although I knew Jesus, growing up in church. My grandfather is a pastor, my dad's a pastor, and I was just in it my whole life. I learned, where that can be a blessing, it can also be a hindrance, because God becomes normal to you and you lose that awe of him. When you grow up in church, you meet church first and you meet Jesus second. People come out of the world right into Jesus, they meet Jesus first and they have this amazing experience and so they're instantly on fire for Jesus. 
“With me, I grew so comfortable with God that I learned how to play the part. I was the church girl and the world girl, but you wouldn't know it. I was teaching teenage class, I was leading, praising, worship, leading choir, I had so many roles, and I was wearing the biggest spiritual mask ever. Throughout my life I went through so much. I have a history of abortions, sexual addictions, and just so many terrible things that I had to endure.
In 2015, something clicked, I was just tired of knowing God based on who I was told he was. I wanted to know Jesus for myself. All these years, I've been listening and hearing, and realized I'm tired. I wanted to get clear on who I'm serving. I needed to see who he says I am, but I need to know who he is first. That year I committed to reading my Bible the entire year and my life has changed since then because I learned who God is based on who he says he is. He saved me from the religion that I was hiding behind. In beginning to know him, I found freedom, so it wasn't so heavy to serve Him anymore. My passion comes from loving people's souls and not wanting them to be blinded.” 
 
The Shame of Teenage Pregnancy
That boldness came on the heels of a shameful past. Before Ashyn dedicated herself to helping others find the hot and holy path, she had to find it herself. Ashlyn and I share similar stories of being teen moms who felt shame because we were Christians.
She explains, “I believe I was really delivered from that shame when I realized that my daughter was a way of God's grace to save my life. What I thought was the biggest mistake and the biggest shame when I got pregnant, became the biggest blessing. When God opened my eyes to see that pregnancy slowed me down, it saved my life. And even now, her being a teenager, it's so much fun. She's got the youngest mom, and I'm able to have her friends over and be able to be the fun, cool mom that's discipling them, and they don't even know it. She is such a blessing. What I thought was the most devastating thing is the biggest blessing and breakthrough. I just didn't see it until I began to know God personally.”
 
Women Stuck in the Sexual Shame Cycle
Ashlyn: Women have pain from who they used to be to who they are now, and they feel like they don't have permission to enjoy sex. Many wives are confined in the thought process of, “ I am still this person of my past.” Some wives don’t realize there is a demonic force that is lying to them to create shame around sex. Satan is the king of lies. He's putting these thoughts in your mind that “I'm not good at sex, I can't be good at sex, or  I can't enjoy sex.” It is about learning that you're coming into agreement with him and remembering God made this. Satan just took it and contaminated it. It starts with us, as women having it and enjoying it. It’s about having the confidence of knowing our God is okay with us enjoying sex and that he is okay with you learning how to do it right.
 
How Can Christ Make Our Sex Life Better?
So what exactly is hot and holy sex? Ashlyn believes that Christ makes sex better because there's no repercussions after you're done. There's no feelings of the guilt or shame when Christ is regulating your thinking around sex. Everything with him becomes so much better. You have to know that he approves of it. When you trust in Christ you don't have to have shame in learning what an orgasm is and how to get it and how to have it. That shame is gone. Christ literally makes everything better, and sex is included. He make sex better because he makes you better.
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Spiced Wife Episode on Christ Makes Sex Better: Episode 163
Learn More About Ashlyn at www.spicedwife.com
Oral Sex, Oh My! Dana Che and Real Relationship Talk 
 
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Dating Advice for Singles & Married People Too - with Lisa Anderson

Dating Advice for Singles & Married People Too
I had the wonderful privilege to have a conversation with Lisa Anderson from Boundless, the young adults ministry of Focus on the Family. We’re dishing out dating advice that is pure gold. If you’re single and looking for a long lasting relationship, you’re gonna want to tune in. Lisa and I touch on the idea of the church pushing marriage on singles, how it feels for singles to get advice from married people, and we discuss what it means to be “marriageable” and who is truly ready to step into marriage.
 
The Gift of Singleness
Sometimes it may seem like the church’s dating advice is all about pushing singles to get married and start a family. There’s a lot of great things about being single and a lot of hard things about being single. We can learn a lot about life in both seasons and support each other in both seasons. 85% of people will be married by the time they reach their 30s, but it’s important that we realize not everyone is “called to be married.” There are many who have the gift of singleness, and we need to champion, encourage, and support these people more. Marriage is not the end all be all. Married people who give singles dating advice need to remember this.
Dating and Marriage Advice from the Married
When it comes to married people giving singles dating advice, it “depends on the advice and the way it’s delivered,” Lisa says. “I always tell singles, ‘Don't act like the married are some other species that you don't want them in your life. I mean, it only benefits us all to have people speaking to us and relaying their experience and marriage advice.’”
Lisa continues, "That said, when it comes to saying like, ‘Okay, let me tell you, single person why your life is so easy or why you have it better than I do . . . I hear from so many marrieds, unfortunately, many in the church, who talk about marriage like it is completely the ball and chain. I mean, it's like the worst thing that they could ever do, and I'm like you should be champions of marriage and walking through it and giving encouragement and confidence to the singles coming up behind you. I think a good amount of grace on either side is helpful for having the conversation, for encouraging one another. 
In fact, I always tell people, especially married, when you want to approach that with a single friend, the best thing to start as you wade into that conversation is to say, you know what, 'What's going on in your life? and ‘How can I best pray for you?’ Because then it gives that single person the opportunity to open up as much or as little as they'd like and to enter into prayer on behalf of a friend who truly desires a relationship and desires marriage.”
 
Are you Marriageable?
Being marriageable can be defined as being a person who is single and available to be married, Lisa explains. It’s about people who are in a  position to be married. They are an adult, they are contributing to society, they are plugged into a local church. Some questions you can ask are Do you have a job? Are you a person that has worked on other relationships in your life? Do you honor your parents? Do you keep your commitments? Have you dealt with that baggage in your past that is going to creep into your marriage whether you want it to or not?
Lisa adds, “People say they love Boundless so much because it's their people and they're like, I just want to listen to Boundless. And I'm like, that's fantastic. But here's what you really need to do. You need to get into a church in your town that is going to be up in your grill, real eyes on you, to be in your business and help you move towards maturity in Christ. And so to go after that and be the person who wants to serve and wants to be spoken into and poured into is the person who can move towards marriage and become a viable part of a God honoring couple.”
Finding your Special Person God Designed for You
If you look in scripture, people did some crazy things to get a spouse. They didn't sit around waiting for God to mystically show a sign for this person. I mean, they enlisted other people to help them find a spouse. Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife, finds what is good, and finds favor with the Lord,” not he who sits around assuming that there's one person out there that he has to elusively run into at some point, and then it'll just be magical. 
Lisa continues, “So I think, conservatively speaking, and the way that God has designed us to be in relationship with other people, is put in some good parameters for what this person is. Are they a disciple of Jesus Christ? What's their deal? Who are they in the things that matter? And then you pick one and that person becomes your one. So when you've done that, you put on the blinders and you become a student of that person, you become a servant of that person, you're mutually submitting to one another, loving one another, walking in faith together, sharpening one another, and that person becomes your one. And then you can breathe a sigh of relief because you don't have to worry about what all these other people are doing. You don't have to be frantically searching for that one person. 
Be sure to listen to the complete episode to hear how Lisa’s dating advice affects married people too. We can all grow from the timeless truths of how to do relationships right.
 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Hear Lisa on her show: The Boundless Podcast
Get Lisa’s Book: The Dating Manifesto: A Drama-Free Guide for Dating with Purpose
Hear Dana Che on the Boundless Podcast: 7 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married
 
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Protecting & Prioritizing Your Military Marriage - with Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh

Protecting & Prioritizing Your Military Marriage - with Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh
I live in a really big military town, Virginia Beach, right next to Norfolk, VA, which houses the largest naval base in the world. We also have Langley Air Force Base in nearby Hampton, army bases nearby and marine bases. Because we have so much military here and Shaun and I actually have lots of military friends, I wanted to dedicate a specific episode to helping out our military spouses.
 
In today's episode, we are blessed to have with us Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh, a psychologist, marriage coach, and podcast host of Married to Military. She is going to help us to learn how to have happy, healthy, and sustainable connected military marriages. Military marriages do not need to be disconnected. Military marriages do not need to have higher divorce rates than civilian marriages. So if you are in the military and you are married or if you're dating someone and they're in the military and you're wondering if you really want to get yourself involved in all of this, you are going to want to listen to this episode today.
 
Now, enjoy a few snippets from my conversation with Lindsey.
 
[Dr. Lindsey Cavanagh] I have worked with marriages outside of the military as well. And, certainly, marriage has challenges in and of itself, and some of them are very universal. I say when it comes to military marriages, one thing that comes up is like the deployments, you have the really long separations, whereas there are many careers that will take people away.
 
The other thing that really comes down to military marriages is the military members are trained in a very specific way to be successful at work or in combat or whenever they need to be. . . to be very emotionless, to be very problem-solution-oriented, to be very defensive in their positions. And so, again, all of those things are needed at work, but they don't always translate into a healthy marriage when you're trying to do things like compromise or when you're having emotions that need to be addressed, which really comes up in marriage. So that's another area that I find that's really specific to military because they are all trained in this way.
 
Spouses often say, I'm tired of being second priority. This is probably the number one thing that I help military spouses with because it comes up so often. They say, “I’m tired of my opinions and dreams not being validated.” One thing that I'll say to military spouses is you have to remember that the military does a really good job of giving constant information about what they need to do to advance their career and what kind of skills they need. They are constantly getting counseling about how and what to do to further their career so they are very confident in what needs to happen at work. 
 
Military Spouses Have Needs Too
 
A lot of times, really what needs to happen is that we, as the military spouse, are really educating our spouse in terms of what we need and how they can support us. So often what I find is people will come to me and they say, “My spouse doesn't care. My spouse only cares about the military. They don't care about me.”  Nine times out of ten, when you really dig into it, the military service member cares a lot. And they actually, even in many ways, feel guilty.
 
This is where education from our side is needed, here is exactly how I want you to support me. Here is exactly how I want you to support the family. If I want my ideas and dreams to be considered when he's making his work decisions, I need to make sure that I'm telling him what those are. So really figuring out first what is it that you want from your spouse, how can your spouse support you, and then finding ways to start having those conversations.
 
My spouse was really relieved once I started doing this because now he knows what to do at home to make me feel special, loved and valued even when I don't have as much control over life like the military does. So I find that oftentimes it ends up being a really great thing. It's just you have to put in that initial work and be really clear about what it is you want and what it is you need.
 
Lindsey also talked at length about how to incorporate each other’s love languages into times of separation. Her insight was incredibly valuable and will help a lot of military marriages to stay connected even when they’re apart. 
 
If you’d like this military marriage episode to turn into a series where I do several episodes for military spouses, then make sure that you hit me up on Instagram.
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Married to Military Deployment Survival Guide
Learn more about Dr. Cavanagh
 
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Trust and Accountability in Marriage

Trust and Accountability in Marriage
How many times you have thought, I need to keep my husband accountable or somebody needs to keep me accountable and help me to stop eating Ben and Jerry's at 10:30 at night. When we look at accountability in that way, we are completely missing the foundational truth of what accountability is all about. The definition of accountability is acceptance of responsibility for one's own actions or behaviors. Did you guys catch that? Some of you need to let that sink in. It's accepting responsibility for our own actions, our own behaviors, and our own thoughts. When we think about accountability being external, or being directed at somebody else, we have already started to infringe on somebody else's boundaries, and we are trying to manage that person's behavior.
 
In today’s episode we talk about how accountability should show up in your marriage or in your relationship and then how we can, first of all, keep ourselves accountable. If you're not willing to be accountable to yourself, chances are pretty slim that you're actually going to be accountable to somebody else. So how can you actually become accountable for your actions? And then if you are in a marriage or relationship, how then can you help to support your partner in helping them to be accountable?
 
4-Step Process to Accountability in Marriage
 
FocusU.com is a website that's dedicated to providing impactful and engaging learning methods. It's really more of a business website, but I love a lot of the knowledge that they provide and find it’s helpful for relationships too. According to them, they actually have a four-step process to accountability.
 
Step 1: See it
Step 2: Own it
Step 3: Solve it
Step 4: Do it
 
You have to muster the courage to see it. To see what? To see whatever the behavior is, whatever the action is that you need to be accountable for. It takes courage to be honest. It takes courage to really look inside of ourselves and to say, you know what, maybe I'm not strong in this area or maybe I'm not as strong in this area as I think I am or as I hope to be. That takes courage and it takes humility to do that.
 
Next, we have to own it. Find it in your heart to own it. When I think about this, the word vulnerability comes to mind. Vulnerability goes a little beyond transparency; it takes it a step further where not only are you able to see me, not only am I showing you the truth of who I am, but I'm also willing to show you my heart, my internal motivations of why I do the things that I do. Not just looking at what I do, but why I do the things that I do. And so when we own it, then we have to be willing to be honest with ourselves, to deny our pride, and to be humble. We have to be willing to apologize for mistakes that we've made. That's all a part of owning it. 
 
Thirdly, solve it. Obtain the wisdom to solve it. What does this mean? Put those boundaries in place if need be. It's super important that we understand how to set boundaries in marriage. Another part of solving it is getting the wisdom to solve the problem. Get coaching, get help, get an outside perspective. Read your Bible; just do something, and find solutions to solve the problems that you are facing. 
 
Lastly, number four, do it. Exercise the means to do it. What does that mean? That means commit. Commit to doing the heart work. Commit to following through on your commitments. Okay, so now that you've gone through the steps, you've got the courage to see it, you've got the heart to own it. You're seeking out wisdom to solve it. Now you've got to commit to doing it.
 
Holding Your Spouse Accountable
A part of accountability in marriage is sometimes helping to hold your spouse accountable. Some of these areas include decisions, finances, sexuality, and technology. The truth is, you can’t “hold your spouse accountable” if they won’t allow you to. If they are open to accountability, you must be willing to offer feedback (positive and negative) and follow through on appropriate consequences. 
 
I hope this episode helps you to take your marriages to the next level, to begin to incorporate accountability as a welcome visitor, not like an expired tenant, in your relationship. Because without true accountability, there can truly be no trust. Accountability helps your partner, your spouse, to trust you. It helps you to be a trustworthy person. So embrace accountability and all of its facets in your marriage.
 
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 48: Setting Realistic Expectations in Marriage
Episode 49: Setting Boundaries in Marriage
Wife Life Coaching Mastermind
Follow Real Relationship Talk and Dana Che on Instagram!
 
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Finally, please leave a rating and a comment on Apple Podcasts to let me know how this podcast is helping you and your relationships. I’m always open to guest suggestions and how I can make the show even better!
 

10 Signs Your Spouse Might Be Having an Affair

10 Signs Your Spouse Might Be Having an Affair
Do you have a gut-wrenching feeling that your partner is being unfaithful to you? In today's episode, I'm sharing some not so obvious signs that your spouse might be having an affair. How do you know if something is really going on or if you're just being overly suspicious? There are many tell-tale signs that will help you to determine if your marriage or relationship has become vulnerable or even victim to infidelity. 
Don't Ignore the Red Flags
It's important to not ignore the red flags. You know when something's off in your relationship, so instead of excusing it, deal with it. After you hear these ten warning signs, it may be difficult to have the hard conversation you need to have, but you must. Infidelity does not just go away on its own. Even if you never find out, the damage done to your relationship must eventually be addressed. 
There's an old saying that says, "When you see the world through rose-colored glasses, even the red flags just look like flags." In other words, when we choose to have our head in the sand instead of being aware and wise, we will overlook obvious warning signs.
5 Tell-Tale Signs Your Partner is Being Unfaithful 
Because you will glean so much more out of these warning signs when you listen to the full podcast, I'm only sharing five of the ten here in the show notes. In no particular order, five warning signs your partner or spouse is being unfaithful are as follows: 
Money goes missing and/or they begin using ATMs all of the sudden 
There is a lack of friendship, interest, or connection in your relationship
Your partner becomes accusatory of your actions 
They become obsessed with their looks 
They start staying out late or taking extra “work trips”
The other five signs are very eye-opening, so be sure to listen to the episode in its entirety. 
I want to leave you with this: I truly believe that every relationship has the potential to heal from infidelity. You don't "have" to stay or reconcile, and there are time when you shouldn't. However, if you want to restore your marriage and are both willing to put in the work, it can work. 
 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 102: 12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship
When to Divorce
Sign up for Wife Life
 
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4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart

4 Steps to H.E.A.L After a Broken Heart
Has your heart been broken due to a painful relationship or have you had your trust violated? Most of us have been through this unfortunate situation at some time or another. It's never easy mending a broken heart, but it is always possible. In today's episode, I'm sharing four ways to heal your broken heart using my acronym: H.E.A.L. These four steps are simple but, I'll admit, not easy. 
It's important to put to rest the myths concerning healing your broken heart if you are going to experience true and complete healing. You've heard the feel-good mantras like, "Time heals all wounds," or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." While there may some truth to these, they don't give us the full picture. 
Time is a good accelerator to healing but it doesn't actually heal you. Listen in as I describe how to actually begin and complete the healing process for your heart, whether you've been betrayed by a spouse, a loved one, a friend, or someone else. These principles apply to all situations. 
And be sure to share this episode with someone who needs their heart to be healed too. 
Links Mentioned in this Episode
Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships
Episode 102: 12 Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship
 
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12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship

12 Steps to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship
Did you know that 1 in 4 marriages will experience infidelity? The good news is half of these marriages will survive it. Today, I'm giving you 12 steps to rebuild trust in your marriage or relationship. This is one episode you will want to refer back to should you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of affair recovery. 
I truly believe that all is not lost when someone commits adultery. Your marriage or relationship can survive this, but you need an action plan in order to succeed. 
You Need a Plan 
You've heard the saying: "Most people don't plan to fail; they fail to plan." Well, that's exactly how affairs happen and that's also how couples whose attempts to rebuilding after an affair go sideways. Again, you need a plan of action. 
Shaun and I know this path well. We've had to walk it out in our own lives. You can learn all about our journey of rebuilding our marriage after infidelity on Episode 3: Rebuilding Trust, Rebuilding Our Marriage. 
All is not lost in your marriage, and I believe that you truly can rebuild trust after an affair. Now, let me show you how.
 
Other Links Mentioned in this Episode:
Episode 88: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
Episode 79: It Will Work If You Work It
 
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To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.

Sweet Repeat: How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse

How to Love Your Spouse When You Don't Like Your Spouse
Many couples go through a stage in their marriage or relationship where they don't like each other. You know you should love your spouse, but if you're honest, there are times when you don’t even like them. This episode speaks to that dilemma and will give you some practical steps to take to rekindle the likability in your relationship.
If we are ever going to grow into mature husbands and wives, we must first settle on the fact that love is not a feeling. Sure, you can "feel" loving feelings, but love is so much more than that. I learned this the hard way. Due to the marriage problems Shaun and I had for so long, I had started to become hopeless, thinking there was no way I could ever look at him lovingly again. I didn’t like him. I was often angry. I had been hurt too much.
The Most Dangerous Prayer
I remember back when we'd been married for around five years, I prayed a dangerous prayer: “Lord, teach me to love my husband like you do. Give me unconditional love.” I think that’s when the bottom fell out. I could not have imagined the trials we would encounter or the way God would take me up on my little prayer and teach me how to love . . . His way.
God’s love is radical. It’s illogical. And we are so undeserving of it. He shows us this crazy, radical love and then asks us to show it to our spouse. And yes, you can do this even if you don’t like your spouse. I John 4:19 tells us that, "We love because he first loved us." When you realize the Source of true love, it becomes easier to love. 
In order for God to teach you how to love unconditionally, he has to show you people in their full humanity. #TweetThat.
RECONNECTION IS THE KEY TO LOVING YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN
In order to learn to like your spouse again, you are going to have to be intentional to find ways to reconnect. So many marriages are in habitual disconnection, caught in the hustle and bustle of life or trapped by past mistakes and unforgiveness. For more on unforgiveness, check out Episode 13: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships. 
You can learn to like your spouse even if you don’t like him. A resource that might help you to do this is Keep Your Love On by author Danny Silk. Shaun and I took our marriage small group through this book over the course of a year, and it was super beneficial.
Don't turn your love off! You can learn to love AND like your spouse again. 
If you need more help walking through this, why not schedule a discovery call with me at http://danache.com/coaching. It might be the first intentional step toward a revived relationship for you!
 
Other Links Mentioned During this Episode:
Episode 12: How to Stop Comparing Within Your Marriage or Relationship
Episode 14: How these Hidden Fears Are Ruining Your Relationship
 
SUBSCRIBE | SHARE | RATE | COMMENT
To ensure you never miss an episode, be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sharing is caring! So, share these episodes with your friends and family via email or social media.